Oh boy, Brandi, can I ever relate! I ended up taking care of my mother when she was dieing of cancer. I had 4 siblings at the time, and everyone told me that I had to do it because I was closest to her (in miles) and I didn't work (I was raising two little ones). I fell for it and reluctantly agreed. If I would have known what was coming, I would have asked my husband to change jobs and moved away to another state.
Like your mom my mother was also an alcoholic. My father died in an accident when I was 8 years old. Starting when I was 10, and lasting until after I graduated from high school, my mother worked and dated the man who became my stepfather (who was also an alcoholic). My younger brother (8 years old) and I were lucky if she was home 3 nights a week, and many times it was less than that. Weekends? Forget it! She would take off on Friday, after work, and we wouldn't see her again until Sunday afternoon.
No such thing as a babysitter either. My younger brother and I were the only ones in the big, creaky, 100 year old Queen Anne style home. We were the youngest. The oldest was married, second oldest was in college, and the 16 year old took off as soon as my mother left. Did my mother think my older brother was babysitting? She knew by the trouble he got into that he wasn't.
The nights she was home, we had to leave her alone because she was hungover. She discouraged us from taking part in school activities because she didn't want to go to them. I was a cheerleader for 3 years and she showed up for 1/2 of a game to see me cheer. The real kicker??? The school gymnasium was right off of our back yard, across the alley! All she had to do was walk out the back door of our house, walk to the back of the yard, cross the alley and enter the doors that my little brother and I watched the high school proms from.
My husband, oldest child and I went to visit my younger brother, his wife and little girl almost 30 years ago. My brother and I were alone, talking, and he asked me if growing up was as bad as he remembered it. I told him that I had many of the same memories and unfortunately it was. I don't know what was worse, when Mother wasn't home or when all of the drunks congregated at our house. They would come in around 2 or 3 in the morning and cook bacon and eggs. I would get sick to my stomach from the smell. I'm guessing because I probably didn't get any dinner that night. If I was lucky, Mother brought home a doggy bag with a steak bone in it and I ravaged it like a hungry dog after she went to bed.
So why was I chosen to take care of her? Because at the time I had low self esteem and I was a people pleaser; plus, like you, I was afraid of my mother, and anxious to win her love and approval, so I was easily pushed into it. Two and a half years I catered to my mother's every need and want, entertained family when they visited (sometimes with friends), got out of the way when I wasn't wanted, and raised my two children. I also had to juggle trouble when it was tossed my way by my terribly dysfunctional siblings.
Fortunately there was a clear sign when it was over. My mother teased my 4 year old to tears and I knew that was it. They could beat me (emotionally) until I was bloody, but don't mess with my babies. I called my oldest brother and told him that I was done. They had to figure out new arrangements for Mother. He knew from what I said and the way I said it that I meant it. I also think he understood. We moved my mother back to her house in a few days and another sibling and his wife took care of her. My mother tried bribing, and even threats to get me to change my mind, but to no avail.
Was it soon enough? No. After being my mother's robot for 2 and 1/2 years, and walking on the eggshells of family dysfunction, I was horribly depressed. I almost succeeded in taking my life after my mother died six months later.
My siblings decided that I had broken my mother's heart and let me know, one week after her death, that they were kicking me out of the family. I was crushed. I hurt so badly emotionally that I was in pain physically. I think it had a lot to do with the start of my fibromyalgia. I've read that many people, diagnosed with fibro, went through extreme emotional trauma. This was mine.
What they did not only hurt my husband and me, it deprived my children from any family interaction until they were adults. Considering the dysfunction, though, it may have been a blessing for them. It's just that I was horribly ill with alcoholism and depression and I had to get better.
That journey started about a year and a half later. I was in therapy, but I had to quit drinking in order for everything to work. I didn't think I could live without drinking because life was too painful. Fortunately some very bright counselors, therapists and sponsors proved me wrong and I've been sober for 20 years now. I still struggle with fibromyalgia and depression, but I'm so grateful for everything that I have today.
One of the most healing things just happened to me a couple of years ago. I thought my children understood everything that had happened, but my oldest child and I were talking about it on the phone and I explained what had happened. The reason that my family disowned me.
When I finished he said "that's it?!" and I told him "yes". He said "that's why they didn't have anything to do with you for 10 years?" and I replied "yes". My son said "well I'm surprized that you're willing to have anything to do with them after what they did to you". Years and years of guilt and hurt just fell off of my shoulders. I get tears in my eyes just writing that.
Now I've rambled on and on. But I wanted you to know these things before I said what I'm going to say. Would it be that bad if your aunt did take care of your mother, and took all of her money as payment? I inherited quite a chunk from my mother, and I would gladly give it all back to not go through what I did. If we could go back to the time my siblings told me that I HAD to be the one to take care of her, and I would just reply "No I don't" and walk away from it. Some things just aren't worth it. Just make sure that your aunt is going to keep her after her money is all gone. I would have a lawyer draw something up.
Wouldn't that feel wonderful to just walk away from it and be happy with your family? And you really can do it! If anyone wants to give you a hard time about it, you don't have to speak to them. You do have a choice here.
Please stay in touch and let us know what you decide to do. Good luck to you, dear, and God bless.
