'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Emily M. @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Emily M. — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:52:00 -0000

Hello Want2help,

Thank you for contacting Caring.com with your concern! As an active Web user myself, I can definitely understand how frustrating and disrupting SPAM, advertising and/or inappropriate posts can be. Please know that we prohibit this type of behavior on our site, and take actions to address this issue when it arises (such as deleting the offending content). We apologize for any inconvenience the post(s) caused you. We have now removed the comment.

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'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Want2help @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Want2help — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:14:57 -0000

Please moderate this thread

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Want2help @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Want2help — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:42:49 -0000

Someone has been coming to this thread and posting spam as above. The moderator needs to block it.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by shaburrows @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

shaburrows — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 22:17:29 -0000

thank you so much for replying. I have felt so alone and have found great comfort in just your reply.I will get in touch with her social worker tomorrow and go from there. I wish you well with your efforts to get guardianship, but if its anything like the UK with these things I think the money side of it is pointless. My mother has told me she hates me and has had a bad life because of me. i dont think she means it but it still hurts none the less

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Californiagirl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Californiagirl — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 18:30:23 -0000

Yes, still here and available to chat. I have filed for guardianship based on my mother's dementia. The cost so far has been 3250.00. However, when her case is resolved I might get the costs back from her estate. She continues to deteriorate and her health is OK but I can see the deterioration. After I get guardianship I will put her in assisted living and see if she recovers any of her brain function and can live in a retirement community instead. Let me know what's happening with you and I will be glad to help.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Want2help @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Want2help — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 14:15:41 -0000

Hi, yes, I'm still here and available to chat. Update on my mother is that she passed away in November, still refusing to leave her house. But she was able to have caregivers who loved her and they stayed with her until the very end, round the clock. Let us know what's going on with you. You'll find supportive people here with, hopefully, some experience, those there's not a one-size-fits-all cure, obviously.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by shaburrows @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

shaburrows — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 13:17:11 -0000

I am new to this and would like to know if you are still available to chat

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by shaburrows @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

shaburrows — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 13:15:45 -0000

Hi are you still answering and replying? If so i would love to talk to you

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Rock&HP @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Rock&HP — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:23:30 -0000

Hi Butterflyhead -- such an appropriate name for our dilemna! I hope you have gone to Al-Anon because it's for relatives & friends of drug users too. Sometimes all it takes is a decision to take an action--no matter how small-- and leave the rest up to God. If you don't let yourself be pushed by all the "fires" you will no longer be flitting like the moth in the lamp shade. Now, I need to take my own advice!!!

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Rock&HP @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Rock&HP — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:21:01 -0000

Hi California Girl: I have the same issues with a mother in another state. But I am an only child. At moment, she has 8 hours of in-home care (most her long-term care insurance contract will provide) but needs 24 hours. On her own she would live in filth and not eat at all. At this point, we're having to control alcohol intake by giving her only a little per day. When we don't, see calls in nefarious types to bring it to her, putting her and her property at great risk.

Because she scores so highly on a mini-mental (even when drunk), it would seem hard to get a guardianship. (Though her previous doctor, who dismissed her out of frustration, said he would sign papers based on her "clock-face test" score. Her new one is less sure. Still, I haven't the heart to throw her out of her house ....though it must be done, since she's running out of money. Bringing her into my life is impossible, because my husband hates her and we have no room or money to care for her, even so.

She is all the things alcoholics are: ungracious, manipulative, angry, slovenly...and, very rarely, sweet. She hates me because I did an intervention 20 years ago.

Question 1: how did you get a guardianship based solely on alcoholism? Is that legit in California? My lawyer told me it would be hard in Tennessee.

Question 2: What ever did you decide to do?

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Butterflyhealed @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Butterflyhealed — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:54:05 -0000

How do you all deal with the pain in your heart? I'm coming from the parent side - my 22 year old son has made a mess of his life - and it's killing me. I'm sick, dizzy, depressed - and mostly, in mourning. You mourn the loss of the potential. And then, you're pissed because they take up so much time out of your life. You can never count on anything, and most events are ruined. We've spent any savings we manage to aquire - and ...it's just overwhelming. It's affecting my work. I have no social life because I'm always on alert and never know when the world is going to rock and I'm constantly picking up pieces - yes, I know about 'enabling'...what parent can let their child be homeless or hungry? And torn between wanting to beat his ass, and taking him into my arms and comforting him because he's in pain too from what he's done....it sucks! I just need to talk to someone - and having a hard time finding people to share with. I guess Al-anon - but he's a heroin addict - on Suboxone - but apparently he gets off of it on occassion to get high when he's so overwhelmed by the consequences of his actions. Last week was a $800 week - yeah - couldn't he have just bought a case of beer and called it a night - no.... - In three weeks - he has to be out of his apartment, has broken his hand, will lose his license, has to attend a 16 week court ordered program and get some of his 100 hours of community service in - yeah - I wouldn't even be able to handle all this - much less a kid who's messed up in it all - of course I want to help him through it so he can have some hope of getting over all this - but then people bitch at me for 'enabling' - seriously? When it's your kid - what would you do?

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by mikiomiles23 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mikiomiles23 — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 22:44:20 -0000

I'm very sorry to hear all of this about your mother. It's such a tough situation.. handling/dealing with an alcoholic. I really don't have much advice for you, besides keeping your head up, and just keep moving!

You should like you're doing a wonderful job. It sounds like if it wasn't you, someone else would be going crazy by now. Keep it up!

(Related Posts: Resveratrol[cehd.org])

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Californiagirl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Californiagirl — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:21:57 -0000

Thanks for the support! I moved my mother to my town about 11 mos ago. She continues to drink, as I expected. she is very depressed and has been her whole life, yet she refuses medications. She refuses to bathe on a regular basis and her apartment is always a mess. She refuses to let the people at her retirement home in to clean. I'm looking at guardianship as she is not caring for herself. She has two dogs that she loves and they do what they want, including defecating in the house, even though I know that she takes them out on a regular basis. Anyway, i have a supportive husband and am doing well after the initial adjustment and anxiety of having her here. I have made arrangements to have someone come to her house monthly to do a deep cleaning and will meet the weekly person provided by the retirement community at the apartment weekly. She screams at me if I try to clean, but she will "be nice" to a stranger. The only thing I can see to do at this time is to consult a lawyer to find out what the options are.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by newlife @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

newlife — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 02:56:58 -0000

My heart goes out to you as I came from a home where alcohol was a problem. My father drank every weekend and was abusive....he had a heart attack at 38...and developed diabetes..the doctor told him to quit or die. He quit...lived to be 73...apparently your mom is substituting the alcohol for something else that is missing in her life...could she be depressed and using the alcohol to get a way from the pain. Above all do not blame yourself...We cannot control others lives.I do understand your pain..as my sisters and brothers had to make a decision about our mom...either way it went it was a no win for all.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Cobweb @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Cobweb — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:57:24 -0000

Firstly I am sad that you are in this impossible position, also that I notice plenty of people have read your story but not replied. My father is also an alcoholic. I have been his sole carer for the past 11 months and it has been hell on earth.

There is no winning with an alcoholic parent. There will be little reasoning or rational thought. In his own way, I think your brother feels that he has done what he can. He is probably hugely frustrated. Although dropping her altogether is one way for him to deal with it, it doesn't solve the bigger picture.

Alcoholics do tend to cause rifts with their children and families, even without trying. My brother has also dropped my father from his life. I say this as an explanation that I do understand the dilemma you face. However please try not to let all this come between and your brother (as I have done!). Your brother will be alive much longer than your mother and worrying about what he owes will not change anything.

I hate to sound negative but I suspect whatever you have already chosen to do, move her or not, be with her or not, will cause you tremendous grief and remorse. I care for my father, but it is a constant struggle, a worry every single day, he does not appreciate me or anything I do, also the family do not agree with the care I have given or stance I have taken. You have to make the best choice you can for yourself, whatever you feel you can best live with. I took this path because I wanted to feel I had done everything I can. WEll I have, but I still feel the grief and remorse. Therefore if you are apart please try to learn from what I did, in that it isn't the full answer either doing the care-route, so please don't blame yourself if you decide not to do it.

'Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia' posted by Californiagirl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Californiagirl — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:55:38 -0000

I discovered that my mother was an alcoholic about 6 yrs ago when she started having memory problems and after traveling to visit found her living in filth. To make a long story short, my brother, who is a doctor, decided to go to court and insisted on being the only guardian as he said he would be taking care of her for the rest of her life. I agreed because his lawyer told me my brother had assured him I would be included in decisions about her care. My brother detoxed her at home, controlled her money for three years so she could not drink and then she recovered enough to have her guardianship terminated. He disregarded any suggestions I had about putting her into inpt rehab and feels counseling is worthless. She immediately started drinking again and has deteriorated in the last year. My brother is very angry with her and wants nothing to do with her now. She is a very difficult person. She was very abusive to me as a child, but treated him very differently, helping support him through medical school and even buying a house with low rent for him so he and his family could have a decent place to live. He owes her 50,000 to 80,000 dollars. I owe her no money. He states that if I want to come and get her that it needs to be soon as he is moving out of state and he is unwilling to help with the logistics of her relocation by putting her on a plane and sending her here - he wants me to travel over 1000 miles to get her and bring her down here. I'm torn about bringing my mother down here as she will just continue to drink herself to death, but I feel tremendous guilt about leaving her alone so far away. I've offered to have her move down here in the past and she has always refused, preferring tobe near my brother. Any words of wisdom or suggestions? I'm pretty much feeling overwhelmed, depressed and angry.

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