I discovered that my mother was an alcoholic about 6 yrs ago when she started having memory problems and after traveling to visit found her living in filth. To make a long story short, my brother, who is a doctor, decided to go to court and insisted on being the only guardian as he said he would be taking care of her for the rest of her life. I agreed because his lawyer told me my brother had assured him I would be included in decisions about her care. My brother detoxed her at home, controlled her money for three years so she could not drink and then she recovered enough to have her guardianship terminated. He disregarded any suggestions I had about putting her into inpt rehab and feels counseling is worthless. She immediately started drinking again and has deteriorated in the last year. My brother is very angry with her and wants nothing to do with her now. She is a very difficult person. She was very abusive to me as a child, but treated him very differently, helping support him through medical school and even buying a house with low rent for him so he and his family could have a decent place to live. He owes her 50,000 to 80,000 dollars. I owe her no money. He states that if I want to come and get her that it needs to be soon as he is moving out of state and he is unwilling to help with the logistics of her relocation by putting her on a plane and sending her here - he wants me to travel over 1000 miles to get her and bring her down here. I'm torn about bringing my mother down here as she will just continue to drink herself to death, but I feel tremendous guilt about leaving her alone so far away. I've offered to have her move down here in the past and she has always refused, preferring tobe near my brother. Any words of wisdom or suggestions? I'm pretty much feeling overwhelmed, depressed and angry.
Firstly I am sad that you are in this impossible position, also that I notice plenty of people have read your story but not replied. My father is also an alcoholic. I have been his sole carer for the past 11 months and it has been hell on earth.
There is no winning with an alcoholic parent. There will be little reasoning or rational thought. In his own way, I think your brother feels that he has done what he can. He is probably hugely frustrated. Although dropping her altogether is one way for him to deal with it, it doesn't solve the bigger picture.
Alcoholics do tend to cause rifts with their children and families, even without trying. My brother has also dropped my father from his life. I say this as an explanation that I do understand the dilemma you face. However please try not to let all this come between and your brother (as I have done!). Your brother will be alive much longer than your mother and worrying about what he owes will not change anything.
I hate to sound negative but I suspect whatever you have already chosen to do, move her or not, be with her or not, will cause you tremendous grief and remorse. I care for my father, but it is a constant struggle, a worry every single day, he does not appreciate me or anything I do, also the family do not agree with the care I have given or stance I have taken. You have to make the best choice you can for yourself, whatever you feel you can best live with. I took this path because I wanted to feel I had done everything I can. WEll I have, but I still feel the grief and remorse. Therefore if you are apart please try to learn from what I did, in that it isn't the full answer either doing the care-route, so please don't blame yourself if you decide not to do it.
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