Thanks, Lisa -- it's good to have somewhere to go to talk about this. My father has been drinking for years, but refuses to get help or even to acknowledge his problem. He's gone through 2 marriages, and is now living alone, and his life has grown very small. He has few friends anymore, and seems content to just be alone, drinking. I've spent years going to Al Anon, which has helped me a lot, but I still feel a lot of rage at my father for what he's done to himself -- and to his family. It's such a waste. My children don't much enjoy spending time with him, and I don't really blame them. He avoids family get togethers, and when he does come, he's in his own private alcoholic haze. I know I should feel compassion, and sometimes I do, but often I am filled with ugly emotions like contempt, anger, embarrassment.  I know this is a rambling comment and I'm not sure there is an answer, but I'd love to hear from others if you have any ideas, thoughts, suggestions. Thanks

Welcome and ramble away! I can identify with every single one of your emotions- anger, embarrassment, etc. It's so hard to see a parent live this way and it seems even worse when there is grandchildren involved. I felt like I was constantly trying to shield them from the "real" grandma and grandpa.

As for suggestions, I benefited greatly from seeing a counselor. It helped me sort out the various emotions you described as well as develop strategies to ease my stress level during family get togethers. Al-Anon was also very helpful- it was great to be around those who understood exactly what I was going through.

Please come back anytime to vent- that's what we're here for!

Lisa

This is my first time asking for advice. My parents were divorced in 1966. I was 6 years old. I lived with my mom but visited my dad. He has always been a drinker, you know the type that leaves the bottle on the counter next to the canisters. The glass is always with him or near the bottle, just waiting. My dad was the type who could drink all day and never slurr or stumble. He would lose memory of spans of time and even laughed about it. He suffered pancreatic cancer in 2007 and quit drinking during the whole surgery/chemo/radiation process. He was declared in remission in May 2008. He is a miracle! Only 5% of those diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are even eligible for the surgery much less survives the chemo/radiation cycles. His memory has a few new holes in it after the treatment though. He started to have a drink or 2 again at this time. He was just getting on his feet when his 3rd wife died unexpectedly of small cell lung cancer in August 2008. He was devastated. He had not gone to Florida the winter of 07-08 due to his illness but was planning to go in winter 08-09. His neighbor was going to drive dad's motor home down and fly back. At the last minute, dad backed out. He reimbursed his neighbor for his plane ticket and stayed in his cottage on the river alone, all winter. His neighbors either move back to the city or go south for the winter, so he was totally isolated. My husband works 6 days a week and we live over an hour away so our visits were every 3-4 weeks but we were not enough to stave off the depression and associated drinking. Dad & I speak on the phone every couple of days.
In March, he started calling me up wailing about what a mess he was, how lonely he was, how mad at God he was that he took his wife and how he missed her. He had become obsessed with his dogs and talked endlessly about how worried he was that they would suffer if something became of him. The conversations came every 20 minutes with no recollection of the prior call. We went to visit on Sunday & I went away convinced that he was needing to go to a facility to be cared for. He's not showering, or changing his clothes or cleaning the house. That week, I did some investigations into services available in his area, Area Agency on Aging & the like... That Thursday, the neighbor called. Dad was confused. He couldn't find his keys, (they were in his pocket) he was out of food (I had gone to the market and spent 190.00 on the previous Sunday) He didn't know where he was or how to get to the store. The neighbor then took him back home, showing him the multiple cans of soup in the cupboard & many frozen meals, meat & vegetables in the freezer. The truth be known, I think he was not out of food but out of booze.
The following morning, my husband & I picked him up and took him to the ER for evaluation. He was a wailing, crying, moaning wreck when we got there. I had convinced him to get a shower before we arrived though. He kept up in a 20 minute cycle of his dogs, his wife, and his confusion. We checked him in at 2:00. We talked to the social worker to whom my dad kept saying: why are we here, did I call you for help?" He had blood tests and a CAT scan. The process took until 6:00. Over the 7 hours that he had not had a drink, the symptoms began to fall away. The diagnosis, alcohol abuse. The doctor said it, the nurse said it, the social worker said it, I said it and the discharge papers said it. He was beginning to have the DT's by the time we packed him up and drove him the hour home. He understood that he "needed to lay off the sauce" then. I thought we had crossed into a new place when he said that he would give up drinking. Well, I had exactly 7 days before that new leaf shriveled up & fell off. He called me Friday morning, with a repeat performance. Now that I know that this scenario is totally self inflicted, I have less patience and am beginning to feel a bit yanked around. (I am one of 3 children but dad is estranged form the other 2, so this is all up to me.) I spent the balance of the day researching the packets I had collected about facilities again. We went to visit on Sunday. We went to breakfast and planned to go to the market afterwards. He told us he needed to go to the liquor store. I said he already had 60 beers at home and that he didn't need any liquor. He got obstinate with me and I refused to argue. We went to the market after breakfast and he managed to get a box of wine into the cart. I will not argue about something I cannot control when I am out of sight. I cannot control his determination to drink. I cannot take away his car keys so that he cannot get more liquor and I cannot bribe all of the clerks at the liquor store to stop selling to him. I did manage to get him home without a visit to the liquor store though. His concession was to drink a wine spritzer instead of whiskey & water in my presence. I am automating all of his payments and managing the business of life for him. Am I enabling him or am I looking out for his well being?
So here lays my question. I am angry that he is doing this to himself and dragging me into his misery. I don't know what to say when he goes into this funk and if I should crab at him about his responsibility for the situation or do I gather him up with the durable power of attorney he signed last fall and check him into a facility? He will drink if he is left to his own devices. An assisted living facility that takes them on shopping trips, they will not impose prohibition. When he IS sober, he is adamant that he does not need to stop drinking. AA is not on his horizon, nor is any help from Area Agency on Aging, or any moves to be closer to me. He says he'll be just fine. That was because he wasn't plastered, for the time being. So that leaves me, alone. Now what?

Wow, your post brings up a lot of memories for me, especially the part about your dad calling every 20 minutes or so while drunk and then not remembering that he did it. You are definitely in a tough situation and I can tell that you are a great daughter and doing the best you can.

I would absolutely go with your suggestion of gathering him up and checking him into a facility. You've already taken the first step by having a durable power of attorney which is awesome. You'll probably have to resort to what is called an "involuntary commitment" - call the rehab facilities that you have information on and ask them what the exact procedure would be. I would focus on addiction rehabilitation facilities so that you don't have to worry about him being taken on "shopping trips".

We had to resort to an involuntary commitment with my mom and it was the hardest yet best thing we have ever done. It was an impatient facility and amazingly, she took to the program. She never wanted anything to do with AA before but after her stay in rehab, she now goes to meetings and it has been a GodSend for her. My dad even followed suit about 6 months later and is sober now as well.

Hang in there and please keep us updated! I would suggest looking into Al-Anon for yourself as well- it's a great source of support for those who have relatives or friends that are alcoholics.

Lisa

P.S. I like your name.

Useful Sites

http://www.agingincanada.ca/index.htm [agingincanada.ca]  Alcohol & Seniors Home Page

http://www.agingincanada.ca/Seniors%20Alcohol/1e3-1.htm [agingincanada.ca]  Alcohol & Dementia

http://www.agingincanada.ca/BEST_7.PDF [agingincanada.ca]  Alcohol & Other Substance Use Withdrawl

Just an update...  Dad melted down again on Friday, Saturday, Saturday night and again on Sunday morning.  After he called at 1:00 in the morning on Saturday night, I couldn't go back to sleep.  I called the local detox unit and spoke with the RN on duty.  She listened and told me that there would be a bed available no sooner than Monday.  Sunday morning, after I had spoken with dad twice, she called me back and said there was one avialable on Sunday afternoon after all.  Dad wanted to go, so we drove the hour to get him and hour back to town.  He was cooperative and signed himself in.  He blew a .137 upon arrival.  He spent the week there, wanting to leave a couple of times but I had his wallet, keys, credit cards, he had no vehicle and I was not going to get him, so he waited to be discharged by the doctor, which happened on Friday.  He seemed better, never needing mediccation to complete his detox but he had no intention to quit drinking.  While he was in town and sober, I ran him by an assisted living facility that we had discussed several times.  He was interested but said he was not ready yet for the move.  His memory problems may make this move more rapid than he wants but at least we got the subject on the table.  He has been home & in control for 6 days now.  I'm worried because he has had a house guest for 3 days now that historically is a partier, so I wonder how things are going.  I attended my first Alanon meeting on Monday and have found peace in the fact that I cannot control him, just the effect he has on me and my family.  What happens from here on out is up to him.  Wish us luck!

 Thank-you, Lisa S.  My mother is an alcoholic and I became her legal guardian and conservator about six months ago.  Unfortunately, we live about 2,000 miles apart, so things are difficult.  I pay all of her bills, and she lives alone, as she has refused to move out until the exact room that she wants at the local senior community is available.  Mom was on the wagon for a few months, but fell off a few weeks ago.  She hasn't had any falls resulting in hospitalization, yet, although she broke her hip, then her knee, over the course of two years due to falls in her home while drunk.  She's been through treatment programs several times in the past 10 years, and they simply have not "taken". She has alienated her family and friends due to her drinking, and I'm the only one left (probably because of the distance). She does have early onset dementia.

I guess my question is what is my next step.  How do I request an involuntary commitment, and where would I start? Is this the correct course of action? I'll be visiting my mother in a few days for her cataract surgery, although she insists that she doesn't need my help.  Help!  What do I do?

Hi Eurogal,

I will defer to Lisa B. on the commitment.  I have no experience where you are headed.  I do pray for you and hope that you will take the time you have while you are there to investigate every & all senior support agency.  City, County, State, Federal, & private.  Collect information from the proposed senior center on what they can do in house and what you will still have to arrange once she is there.  If you can get your mom to enact a durable power of attorney for finance & health care, they will serve you well, especially since you are not nearby.  Don't forget the HIPPA releases for her physicians.  Bring a phone book home & get the email addresses of all of the support people who live around your mom who can "report in" if you are worried.  You are in the position to have the time to make plans & arrange your "tools" for the eventual repairs down the road.  If she sees you as an ally rather than an invading force, it will go smoother.

Meanwhile, take advantage of the time to review what is important to her about her past.  Look at old pictures & mementos.  Memories are like sand through the hourglass & you cannot get them back once they slip away.  (My mom in-law died after many years of Alzheimer's...) Go through her address book and make note of those people who were special to her and perhaps have her dictate some letters to them.  Her reaching out could ease the loneliness for both of them!

Most importantly do not let hurricane mom tear you or your family apart.  I had a fellow ALANON member tell me this:  Think of this experience like a plane that has suddenly depressurized.  The masks drop down & the flight attendants remind you that you are of the most help if you have put your mask on first.  Really hear the words of the serenity prayer.  It has helped me!  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Best Wishes!

Lisa S.

I am in the same boat. My mom is 2100 miles away, lives alone, is an alcoholic and chain smoker, can barely walk, has dementia to the point where I can't talk to her on the phone and is crippled with circulatory problems in her feet and legs.  It is so sad but I am afraid that putting her in a nursing home will cause her more pain.  She will not be able to drink or smoke.  She is also almost out of money, so the nursing homes available are not very nice. BUT it is inevitable that she will need a nursing home. I am trying to find medicaid funded solutions for her addictions and need for a nursing home.  I can't find anything.

HI Carol's Kid,

The nursing home is not an if but a when.  The anguish you are feeling is understandable.  Her self destructive behaviors are none of your doing and your fear that she may be a danger to herself & others is very real.  If she drives and causes an accident or sets her place on fire, these are not things you can control or prevent from a distance.  You deserve the peace of mind that she will be safe & well cared for.  Addiction control at our parent's ages is dependent on them wanting to quit.  If they don't want to quit, it is a waste of time & resources.  My father is a perfect example, he was drinking less than 2 weeks out of the detox unit.  Once they are "in" they will have to adapt. 

So much has happened with my dad since I wrote last.  None of it good.  He is on the waiting list for a psych unit to deal with is depression but the real problem will be with finding him a place afterwards that will prevent him from from drinking.  We all know that an alcoholic who does not want to quit is a force to be reckoned with.  The only solution I can find right now is a locked unit at 5-7,000 per month.  I don't have to tell you that his money will run out fast at that rate.  Wish me luck...  Be strong!

Lisa S.

Thank you Lisa...you are so right !!  She probably would start drinking after detox if she was left alone. My sister and I have decided it is time for her to be looked after in a nursing home.

I hope things get better for your Dad and you.

I'm glad I could encourage you to do what you have known all along was the right thing.  I know the trepidation you are feeling.  I am committing dad to a psych unit tomorrow and I have this rollercoaster sensation in the pit of my stomach every time the actuality crosses my consciousness.  Only 18 hours to go...  He has been arguing with me all day about taking his keys, demanding I bring them back or telling me how much money it will cost to have the car towed to the dealership to have a key made.  Only 18 hours to go...  I know it is the right thing but it is still so hard.

Good Luck!!!

 Good Luck!  I'll be thinking of you the next few weeks.  Since I last posted, I've visited my mother twice. The last time I was there, she went into detox, and stayed less than a day, as early she tried hitting one of the nurses there.  The psych eval done at the local hospital didn't accomplish anything besides inciting her anger, again.  I've found a facility for my mother, and will hopefully she will move in in August during my next visit.  I wonder how she's doing every day, wonder how much she's had to drink.  Sometimes I'm afraid to make my almost daily calls to her.  But, there's only so much that I can do, as I've got my own young kids to take care of 2K miles away from her.  Sandwich generation.

Hopefully by the time summer is over, her house will be sold, so that she's not able to leave the facility that she will hopefully move into in August.  I'm having her memory assessed during that trip, so wish me luck with that.  I'm feeling pretty burned-out, but I feel like I'm so close to getting us all some much needed help, if I can just get her situated in a facility.  

A word of advice.  If your mom is close on funds, PLEASE prepay her funeral so that you are not stuck with the expense.  You are allowed to spend down her assets that way on the way to medicaid.  I've been through this before with my mother-in-law who had Alzheimer's.  Best of luck to you!

Lisa S.