Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Missy @ 09:18 PM August 31, 2008

Missy — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:18:59 -0000

Oh no, Eliza Jane! I'm so sorry your post went *poof*! :-(

You're so absolutely welcome for the response. I really hope something we've said helped.

I want to throw one last thing in there. I don't know how your family is, but in mine sometimes less is more. Keep that in mind when composing your letter. Perhaps saying something like, "I am really sorry for hurting your feelings. Each of us has our own relationships with each other and I shouldn't have questioned yours with grandma. I value ours and I'm sorry to have lashed out during this very stressful time."

Acknowledge the hurt feelings and desire to smooth them. Point out that this happened during a time of heightened sensitivity on everyone's part. If you really go into your feelings or how you understand why feelings are hurt, you may get in deeper and this letter will have the exact opposite effect you're hoping for.

Please come back and update us on how things are working out and how your grandmother is doing. I'll be thinking about you!

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Bodhi @ 03:15 PM August 31, 2008

Bodhi — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:15:57 -0000

Hi Eliza Jane,

I just wanted to add my support to what Chris and Missy said. And also add a couple other things. We each have our own relationships with our parents, and I have always assumed that each was just like my own. But the truth is that it isn't. I have lots of issues with my dad for example, and he basically blames his mother for all the emotional trauma in his life. I 'know' I should be taking more interest and involvement in my dad's aging and helping in some way, but I have hugh resistance. So I have to really take the energy to find a way to empathize with him.

A friend recommended a book (which I found on CD;s at the local library) by Marshall B. Rosenberg called "Nonviolent Communication". I've been listening to it the last few days, and found it really transforming. Apparently this guy has been doing training sessions on communication all over the world, everything from couples to diplomats.

He gives some really great examples about how a conversation can go one way or another and specific technics for how it can turn into something that leads to the kinds of outcomes we wish for. Maybe its something that would help you in your conversations.

Good luck!

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Chris @ 03:04 PM August 31, 2008

Chris — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:04:14 -0000

> I just spent over 30 minutes composing a nice letter to the two of you and I clicked on the slider bar to the far right, and it's gone!!!

Oh No! I'll see about adding a warning so that can be avoided for others in the future.

I'm really happy to hear your response. Please write back and let us know how things turned out! I also hope that Caring.com can be a valuable resource for your family during this difficult time. Let us know if there's any information you need but can't find on the site -- sometimes it's a little hard to find just the right thing.

-Chris

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Eliza jane @ 02:24 PM August 31, 2008

Eliza jane — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 14:24:35 -0000

Good Morning Chris and Missy,

I just spent over 30 minutes composing a nice letter to the two of you and I clicked on the slider bar to the far right, and it's gone!!! I really wanted to write a thoughtful detailed letter, responding to all of your pearls of wisdom. I have to get off the computer now, or I'll never get anything done today!

Please know that I'm taking all of the advice you've so graciously and kindly given me, and doing it. I'll be writing a letter of apology to my parents this week. I'm so greateful that the two of you took the time over this holiday weekend to write me. It was obvious that you put a lot of thought and effort in composing your letters, and you did a fine job being constructive.

Have a super weekend, and I'll write again soon!

Always A Friend,

Eliza Jane

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Chris @ 04:21 PM August 30, 2008

Chris — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 16:21:05 -0000

Hi Eliza Jane,

Welcome to our little community -- I hope you will find great support here. This is clearly a very rough time for you and your family and I can empathize; my own grandmother passed away about two years ago and my mother's family is still recovering from the strained relationships that were created during those difficult last years. I remember seeing it happen and feeling quite powerless to affect the situation in any material way.

It sounds to me that you did have a lot of foresight to see how things were headed and that you tried to do what you thought was appropriate to help forestall them and that was to encourage your grandmother's children to help her.

But I have to agree with Missy and say that from what I've read here, I think you've overstepped your bounds here and have really hurt your mother by adding salt to an open wound. You did what you could when you could, and I'm sure your parents feel that they did as well.

As upset as you are at your parents, if you still value your friendship with them, I think you should phone them up and apoligize. Try really hard to see things from their perspective and understand that they probably feel very bad for not doing more.

I don't know if this is the answer you were looking for, probably not. But I encourage you to think really hard about whether you're willing to cause a rift over this. I've lived through a rift with my own parents and it took us years to put things back together -- It was really tough and I wish I could have avoided it.

Let us know how things turn out,

Chris

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Missy @ 03:24 PM August 30, 2008

Missy — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:24:44 -0000

*hugs* Eliza Jane, sometimes care giving issues really bring out the worst in people. When my own grandmother was dying, her daughters fought amongst herself with great resentment over who was (or was not) doing what, when, how and where. It was awful! Six years later, there is still a strained relationship. It's improved, though, as for the longest time they didn't speak at all.

As for the relationship issues, free will is really a powerful thing. It seems like everyone in this situation exercised it regularly. Grandma dug her heels in and demanded to live independently. And it feels like your parents and aunt and uncle decided ignorant bliss land was where they wanted to live. Even when she's not well, it doesn't feel like anyone is jumping into action. So perhaps what your family is telling you is true. If you feel strongly that your grandma needs more help, then take matters into your own hands to the best of your ability.

While I know it feels kind of satisfying to know others feel guilt or remorse about actions you feel contributed to your grandmother's condition now, it's only theirs to own. Imposing it on them won't accomplish anything in your relationship with them. But don't take any of this in the wrong way. I absolutely understand why you feel so disappointed and angry in some of your family's inaction. It is breaking my heart and she's not even my grandmother!

I definitely agree that you should call your local Area Agency on Aging. They have a wealth of knowledge about resources available in your grandmother's area. Though you're in a pickle if you don't have guardianship. There's only so much you can do.

I want to agree with the nurse. I'm certain your grandmother's condition is difficult to see, but it sounds like what I've seen in my own family. The only really great she has going for her, though, is that she was so independent. Despite being so thin and frail, she was obviously strong if she was able to haul her trash to the curb! I'm really hopeful for you that she rebounds. It's possible that this hospital stay will address whatever she's got going on and bolster her health a bit.

I give this "tough old bird" lots of credit for wanting to live independently. It's a shame she wasn't able to do that in really close proximinity to someone who could be depended on to give her a big hand. I'm betting her recovery from this injury is going to dictate how and where she lives. It may not be a possibility for her to live independently anymore.

Please keep us posted, Eliza Jane. I'll be thinking about you and I'm so sorry your grandmother got hurt.

Trying to make sense of it all.... posted by Eliza jane @ 02:16 PM August 30, 2008

Eliza jane — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:16:12 -0000

Good Morning Everyone,

I've gotten a lot from reading others postings, and it feels like this is a group of supportive, kind and sincere people, not to mention wise! Many of you are struggling with real physical caregiving issues, such as having your loved one live with you, and/or being a part of the "sandwich generation", and my heart go's out to you.

My situation is one of relationship assessment, and decisons I'll be making have long term ramifications for myself and my family, and I really need your help. My grandma is 85 and has been living alone since she was 65. She's fiercely independent and insistent on living on her own. She has advanced Parkinson's disease and dimentia. She also weighs 70 lbs.

For 10 yrs, I talked to my parents (my mom is grandma's daughter) about grandma's health. I've suggested meals on wheels, lawn and snow removal services etc. My parents are only 64, retired, and not without resources. My uncle (grandma's son) and aunt live in Iowa. My parents do not provide adaquate support for grandma under the convenient guise of well she didn't ask, I told her all she had to do was call, she wants to live alone, she's stubborn, she wouldn't give me a key to the house, so I'm all done with her etc... For several years, I've made my annual plea to advocate snow and lawn services for grandma, suggesting that my uncle and mom split the cost. We live in Michigan, so we can get lots of snow at times. I called my uncle last winter and informed him that grandma was shoveling her own driveway, (she weighed about 90 lbs then) and he laughed and said she's a tough old bird isn't she. When I told he about her weight and fraility, he said well, I hadn't heard anything about snow removal, the last I knew your mom was going to get back with me" Needless to say the excuses are many and very convenient for both families.

When I've shared my concerns with my parents over the years, I've been told many times by my dad "well if you care so much, do it yourself" My response has been I do the best that I can, and this isn't about the people in the family with the most resources doing the least, this is a Doug and Sharon, Chuck and Susie issue. I'm afraid she's going to die frozen in the snow, or collapse in her yard.

My uncle has wanted my grandma to live near him in assisted living. She says no, he go's along with it. He saw her approximatley 3 wks ago, when she was 70 lbs, falling over at my mom's house, and unable to remember my brothers name, or who he was. My uncle took her home and dropped her off.

Now, everything I've feared was going to happen has. My grandma fell at the end of her driveway, while taking the trash out. The Dr.' said she laid out all night, dehydrated and in and out of conciousness. Someone called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. My aunt and uncle came in from Iowa, and my dad went to the hospital. (my mom is not well, and has been unable to drive for the past year). The kids and I went to the hospital to visit, and it was the most horriffic thing I've every personally witnessed.

I've never been in combat, I've seen pictures of concentration camp survivors, and read books, seen shows where the human condition is exploited and tortured. My grandma now weighs less than 70 lbs, is unconcious most of the time, and has a huge hemotopa (sp) bruise on her head, the size of a really small paper plate.

I called my mom when I got home from the hospital and asked her very calmly and nicely how she was doing, how she felt about things etc... I told her that I had of things to think about, and did she feel she was a good daughter to her mother, did she feel that she had been and advocate for her? My mom said no, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. I told her that I wasn't interested in continuing the conversation as well, and that her answer told me all I needed to know.

If you're still reading this drama,....I'm sure you can see where this is headed. Mom called me back and left a message saying she never wanted me to call her again, and she was tired of the way I treated her and talked to her and to never call her again. A couple days later, my dad got involved and told me I had not business upseting my mother, I just didn't understand how stubborn grandma was, to keep my mouth shut, they didn't want to hear it, if you're so concerned do it yourself, you like to be judge and jury.

I held my own, and calmly said I was trying to reconcile the contradictions between their opinion of me not doing enough for them, spending time with them, etc.....and how 4 capable, time and money ladden addults allowed their own mother to get in this condition. Help me to understand this. We're now estranged, and by mutual agreement are not communicating.

I'm actually glad we're estranged right now, as I'm trying to understand how this could happen. I've called the hospital several times, and asked for the social worker to call me. I was told last night that any questions I have need to be directed to my uncle, as he's her guardian. The social worker will not talk to me due to the HIPPA laws.....and I understand that.

I did lots of research this morning, trying to assess what's normal and not. Am I being too judgemental on my grandma's children? My dad insists that I don't know what I'm doing, I have no idea, they can't make grandma eat, move, they can't make her do anything. When I talked with Grandma's nurse last night she said seeing elderly patients at 70 lbs was very common, and as long as she was her own guardian, she could live as she sees fit. Now that my uncle is legally her guardian, he can make her live with him, or assisted living near him, as he's wanted for quite some time.

I plan on calling our area action agency on Monday and taking to a counselor. Right now I'm so upset with my grandma's condition, and really struggling to evaluate everyone's piece in this puzzle, (including my own). I only see my aunt and uncle once every 10-15 yrs, so it's a non issue with them. My parents on the other hand.......that's another story.

If anyone has been involved in a similar situation or has any resources, advise, please share. Even if you have negative things to say about my role, that's O.K. too..please try to be constructive. How could this happen, and how could 4 adults in their late 50's and early 60's profess to not be responsible for contributing to this, and be o.k. with it?

Sincerely,