Good Morning Everyone,
I've gotten a lot from reading others postings, and it feels like this is a group of supportive, kind and sincere people, not to mention wise! Many of you are struggling with real physical caregiving issues, such as having your loved one live with you, and/or being a part of the "sandwich generation", and my heart go's out to you.
My situation is one of relationship assessment, and decisons I'll be making have long term ramifications for myself and my family, and I really need your help. My grandma is 85 and has been living alone since she was 65. She's fiercely independent and insistent on living on her own. She has advanced Parkinson's disease and dimentia. She also weighs 70 lbs.
For 10 yrs, I talked to my parents (my mom is grandma's daughter) about grandma's health. I've suggested meals on wheels, lawn and snow removal services etc. My parents are only 64, retired, and not without resources. My uncle (grandma's son) and aunt live in Iowa. My parents do not provide adaquate support for grandma under the convenient guise of well she didn't ask, I told her all she had to do was call, she wants to live alone, she's stubborn, she wouldn't give me a key to the house, so I'm all done with her etc... For several years, I've made my annual plea to advocate snow and lawn services for grandma, suggesting that my uncle and mom split the cost. We live in Michigan, so we can get lots of snow at times. I called my uncle last winter and informed him that grandma was shoveling her own driveway, (she weighed about 90 lbs then) and he laughed and said she's a tough old bird isn't she. When I told he about her weight and fraility, he said well, I hadn't heard anything about snow removal, the last I knew your mom was going to get back with me" Needless to say the excuses are many and very convenient for both families.
When I've shared my concerns with my parents over the years, I've been told many times by my dad "well if you care so much, do it yourself" My response has been I do the best that I can, and this isn't about the people in the family with the most resources doing the least, this is a Doug and Sharon, Chuck and Susie issue. I'm afraid she's going to die frozen in the snow, or collapse in her yard.
My uncle has wanted my grandma to live near him in assisted living. She says no, he go's along with it. He saw her approximatley 3 wks ago, when she was 70 lbs, falling over at my mom's house, and unable to remember my brothers name, or who he was. My uncle took her home and dropped her off.
Now, everything I've feared was going to happen has. My grandma fell at the end of her driveway, while taking the trash out. The Dr.' said she laid out all night, dehydrated and in and out of conciousness. Someone called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. My aunt and uncle came in from Iowa, and my dad went to the hospital. (my mom is not well, and has been unable to drive for the past year). The kids and I went to the hospital to visit, and it was the most horriffic thing I've every personally witnessed.
I've never been in combat, I've seen pictures of concentration camp survivors, and read books, seen shows where the human condition is exploited and tortured. My grandma now weighs less than 70 lbs, is unconcious most of the time, and has a huge hemotopa (sp) bruise on her head, the size of a really small paper plate.
I called my mom when I got home from the hospital and asked her very calmly and nicely how she was doing, how she felt about things etc... I told her that I had of things to think about, and did she feel she was a good daughter to her mother, did she feel that she had been and advocate for her? My mom said no, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. I told her that I wasn't interested in continuing the conversation as well, and that her answer told me all I needed to know.
If you're still reading this drama,....I'm sure you can see where this is headed. Mom called me back and left a message saying she never wanted me to call her again, and she was tired of the way I treated her and talked to her and to never call her again. A couple days later, my dad got involved and told me I had not business upseting my mother, I just didn't understand how stubborn grandma was, to keep my mouth shut, they didn't want to hear it, if you're so concerned do it yourself, you like to be judge and jury.
I held my own, and calmly said I was trying to reconcile the contradictions between their opinion of me not doing enough for them, spending time with them, etc.....and how 4 capable, time and money ladden addults allowed their own mother to get in this condition. Help me to understand this. We're now estranged, and by mutual agreement are not communicating.
I'm actually glad we're estranged right now, as I'm trying to understand how this could happen. I've called the hospital several times, and asked for the social worker to call me. I was told last night that any questions I have need to be directed to my uncle, as he's her guardian. The social worker will not talk to me due to the HIPPA laws.....and I understand that.
I did lots of research this morning, trying to assess what's normal and not. Am I being too judgemental on my grandma's children? My dad insists that I don't know what I'm doing, I have no idea, they can't make grandma eat, move, they can't make her do anything. When I talked with Grandma's nurse last night she said seeing elderly patients at 70 lbs was very common, and as long as she was her own guardian, she could live as she sees fit. Now that my uncle is legally her guardian, he can make her live with him, or assisted living near him, as he's wanted for quite some time.
I plan on calling our area action agency on Monday and taking to a counselor. Right now I'm so upset with my grandma's condition, and really struggling to evaluate everyone's piece in this puzzle, (including my own). I only see my aunt and uncle once every 10-15 yrs, so it's a non issue with them. My parents on the other hand.......that's another story.
If anyone has been involved in a similar situation or has any resources, advise, please share. Even if you have negative things to say about my role, that's O.K. too..please try to be constructive. How could this happen, and how could 4 adults in their late 50's and early 60's profess to not be responsible for contributing to this, and be o.k. with it?
Sincerely,
Eliza Jane
