Terrified of my siblings, but want to honor dad

Wow thats cool on his part but I can see what you mean about the stress part.   My mom did something like that, but she did it over the phone and with email.  At first I thought it was sort of dark but later thought it was a good idea.  One of the things she did was to make a list of some of the family 'heirlooms' and have us say if we wanted them, so it wouldn't be a big nasty feeling situation after she was gone.  My brothers wanted nothing to do with it, but somehow she got them to participate somewhat. 

Maybe a solution is to say just waht you really feel to him if you think he can hear it?   ...That it feels like it brings up lots of anxiety, etc., and that what would feel better would be to work some of this out on the  email and with individual or group calls.   Them have everyone to get together  later in the process...   don't know just thinking out loud.

I think it's 'pay me now or pay me later' with this stuff. Even though my grandfather went to great lengths to have his children agree on how things would be sorted out after he died, he never got them all to agree with each other in a public way. Instead, he would call each of them in turn trying to figure it out. After he died, there was a lot of 'I never said that' and 'I never agreed to that' going on between my aunts.

Things would have worked out far better, I think, with a real physical meeting and some more open communication between all the parties.

Hey Yacht,

I agree with you. In many ways the most significant gift we can give our dying parents (we're all dying, but that's another discussion) is self-compromise for their peace of mind.  In time, this will translate to our peace of mind, us stewing-in-our-own-issues grown-up kids. I am sure of this.

Assuming there's no risk to your safety (i.e. one of your siblings is abusive), if I were in your shoes, I would try to muddle through the meeting with your dad and siblings. I can believe it may be diffcult, but it sounds like what your dad really really wants.  

Would you feel comfortable contacting them all saying something like, "Look, I'm a little tentative about this meeting given our history.  But since Dad is willing to make all of these arrangements for us, it's clear to me this whole thing is important to him.  Can we all just make a pact to be civil and polite to each other just to see this through?  The last thing Dad needs is for this visit to be filled with tension and stress.  I'm not suggesting we pretend to be best buddies or anything.  Let's just agree to not intentionally push buttons."?  Or maybe calling each sibling individually to say something similar would work.  

Good luck!  And if you go, enjoy your time with your family.   

Go to the get together and deal with it. Be glad your dad is handlingit all now before he passes. It's better for you and your siblings - especially if there's tension among you. Knowing exactly what your dad wants now is best for him and his children.  Be sure his wishes are spelled out and documented. It will make things easier later.

You know, I agee, anonymous. Others have said this as well.  We'll all feel better down the line if we follow our dad's wishes as closely as we can. I also agree that it's important to at least try to ease tensions with siblings by talking or acknowledging it in some fashion. Thanks for the encouragement. My dad has been helpful in saying how important this is to him.

Just got my step-dad's will in the mail today asking us for feedback changes etc..  Thought you'd appreciate this..   a little humor really helps.

F.   Some of these above-mentioned items have been requested by more than one of you. In the case of family heirlooms the first- mentioned bequeathal should not sell or get rid of such item without first seeing if the others want it. Or how about working out a Time-sharing deal or barter with another "cherished heirloom"? You work it out but no fights. In the event of a fight (or close to one) the item should be sold and the cash be divided equally between all of those involved. You may notice that [my deceased spouse] got mushy at this point in writing her will and testament, but I intend to remain "cool" at all times, especially dead.

Priceless! 

I'm from a large family and when I father died and my mom decided to move to a smaller home, there were a lot of keepsakes and memorabilia of my father's.  So we had a lottery and each drew a number.  The first one to pick something was the last to pick something in the second round.  It worked out nicely.

Mom passed on 12/07 after a year long battle - I was a primary caregiver to her until she was too sick to stay at home. The day after she died Dad found out she had a CD for 240,000 and named 3 of her 5 surviving children as beneficiaries.  Dad (who was co-signer but did not know about this) He immediately took the funds and opened a new CD and named whoever he wanted to name. A sister who lives out of town came, stayed with Dad for a month (took a leave) cleaned out the house of ALL MY MOTHER'S BELONGINGS, and did not share any of this with any of the other siblings.  All this was done because Dad accused the three named beneficiaries of the original CD of conspiring to add our names to the CD (as if the bank would allow this!). I have now made peace with Dad (84 yrs.) and am his primary caregiver (I handle ALL OF HIS AFFAIRS!!)  I am terrified of how to handle things once he's gone.  After all of this, Dad still refuses to write a will stating that he has assigned three beneficiaries of his choosing (luckily I'm one of them) and as for the properties (2 houses) he doesn't care what happens to them.  He just "hopes" we can sit down and settle things amicably.  He's the one who created all this strife, but just doesn't acknowledge it. 

Oh gosh!  How difficult for your family!  I wonder why your dad is so against creating a will with specific instructions, especially he's seen how stressful dividing assets can be.    You'll have to keep us posted.  i wonder if anyone has any advice on how to convince him it's a good idea.

Hi Maraljake- You said the key thing when you said you've made "peace" with your dad.  You're the lucky one in this regard, which helps you have a smooth relationship with him during this precious time. Maybe -- in the name of peace and amicability -- you can suggest to your dad that he make a will, to make it easier for everyone. Even in families without conflict having a will makes things so much more clear after someone has died. You can point this out to your dad. . .  It doesn't have to be complicated or expensive (cruise the Caring end of life section for more on this); your dad may have the wrong impression. One trip to a lawyer can do it.

I also wish he'd just divide his estate equally among his kids -- for the sake of lasting peace among all of you.  But I wish this for everyone and all situations; admittedly I don't know any of the details about why some kids are in, and others aren't. Just seems a good way of letting bygones be bygones for eternity.

Let's hope your peace and reasonable thinking can be caught by your dad!

Hi Maraljake,

A will is really really easy to do and will save money and aggravation later. Stuff can get hung up in court and the estate can be chewed up.   Maybe you can try the tack of saying 'that while he doesn't care about what happens - that isn't really true, he cares about you and wants the best for you'.  If he won't do it for himself, will he consider doing it for you. 

Or  another tack, explore his feelings about wills.  Did he have a bad experience?  Was he left out of his parents will? 

Good luck to you  !