Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by MomsMa @ 01:09 AM November 18, 2008

MomsMa — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 01:09:55 -0000

Hi usamomof2,

How old is your mother in law? This may seem like strange question but, why is it that you felt compelled to take her out of the nursing home? I admire your compassion & courage, but when life gets that difficult, it sounds as though you may need to rethink your decision. Does your husband help you with her care?( Some men think that caretaking is "womans" work.), If he doesn't participate , maybe he needs to take a walk in your shoes . If hes a helper , then good for you!! Some aids will let you leave while they are there, have you asked what their policy is? If they cannot let you leave, can you go in your bedroom? That is what my sister did when Mom lived with her. She would excuse herself & ask not to be disturbed, unless its absolutely necessary. This really is tougher than raising my 3 boys, my heart goes out to you & yours, wishing you peace tonight deb

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by MomsMa @ 12:45 AM November 18, 2008

MomsMa — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:45:27 -0000

Hi !

Thanks for your post Missy! I do plan to take legal action against my brother & his spend happy wife. I have been so busy with Moms care that i havn't been able to think straight, but yes they are not going to get away with that. I spoke with my bro( the nice one:), and told him that it would be nice if Mom could come to his house for the summer. LOL! He came & took her for the weekend. Thats after , well we work no ones home . si i say, well look for some one to sit with her & we will pay the person, well THAT really shook him. no i can't because.......on & on. I said the same thing to my sister & she said haha i'm with you all summer! i told her thats ok you can still have the responsibility. The problem is i do ask them nicely,as well as firmly, no luck.

Does anyone else fel like this? It may sound rather strange. I am 57 yrs old, & watching her struggle day to day really scares me. Mom is 21 yrs older than i am, and sometimes i get downright depressed thinking that the next 20 yrs of my life will be spent as a caretaker, then it may be my turn, so basically the only good yrs. i have left are these. I love Mom, its just so hard.

On a lighter note, we went grocery shopping & today she drove the scooter! I was getting nervous

(Mom never drove) Good Thing she hit the pop machine, as we were pulling in the check out line!

She almost ran me over, She cracking up! (it was sooo funny) She was a little embassed, but i'm just glad she didn't have to potty! THEN we might have been in trouble Deb

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by Missy @ 11:13 AM November 16, 2008

Missy — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 11:13:07 -0000

Hi ladies,

I just want to add that this is a safe place for you to talk frankly about how your feeling. Never feel guilty about venting here. This is a spot where you can get much needed support.

Momsma, you sure do sound stuck! I know this sounds drastic, but is there any legal action you can take against your mom's previous care givers for taking her money?

usamomof2, do you think you could call those family members that dropped by unannounced and say, "I've got XYZ to do next weekend. I really need for mom to come stay with you those days" or "I really need for you to come sit her with for the day"? Sometimes folks feel guilty about not helping me and therefore uncomfortable around the one they know is doing all the work. They won't offer to help because they're afraid it'll something like "Oh you want to help now? What about when she was in the nursing home and no one would help then?!" But maybe if you can ask in a nice, but firm way, they may be willing?

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by usamomof2 @ 10:19 PM November 15, 2008

usamomof2 — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:19:51 -0000

I am new here. I am my mother in laws caregiver. No one in her family calls or comes to help. They dropped by without calling last week. (without so much as a call in three months since I moved her here from the nursing home) Not one offer to take her out to lunch or sit with her for a bit to give me a break. I have aids coming 4 days a week for four hours a day. That is not a break because I am still bothered about things the whole time an aid is here. I have told them to pretend I am not here. No such luck. I am supposed to have an aid 7 days a week but of course that doesnt happen. God forgive me, but there are times I dont even want to hear or see my mother in law. I took her in because nobody else would. She cant even use the restroom anymore and changing her gets to be a pain in the neck. I have a 13 year old daughter, an 8 year old son, and a husband. I am so tired and nobody around me understands. I feel sooooo bad when I voice how I feel so I rarely say anything about it.

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by MomsMa @ 02:58 AM November 13, 2008

MomsMa — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 02:58:41 -0000

absolutely NOT! What they do, do is come up with the most creative excuses & i'm sorry. Then they tell me how they'd like 5minutes alone or how tired they are. Mom was living with my sister who passed away in june, this year. So without us (me & my sister&brother) knowing she moved in with our younger bro.& his wife. No consideration at all to driving distances, i am 100mi away( & have aways driven to take my turns) well, long story short, mom kept asking where her check went. barb(my sister) & i thought it was odd that when she came to visit, she had no $. When she was living with my late sister, she always had $ so she could shop, or go out to eat. and her food stamp card so she could buy something special if she wanted to. ( don't worry , we didn't make her go with out) . After a few times, we looked into it & found that they had a really good time with her check book-to the tune of 8000.00, wiped out all of her foodstamps,(& didn't bother to recert so she lost them) Aug.14th, she called me & said please come & get me , i can't stay here. so i did. the plan was for my sister barb, to get an apartment big enough for mom, because thats where mom wants to be. mom had another stroke, & has been doing rehab (at home) since sept. My whole life is upside down. i am stuck at our cottage 100 miles from my home, because thats where it happened. This is so hard, i feel like i am working at a nursing home. I love my mom very much, but i am a 2x breast cancer survivor 57ys old. where are these people who wanted her to move in or help out? Momsma

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by Stephanie Trelogan @ 06:51 PM June 09, 2008

Stephanie Trelogan — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:51:01 -0000

Oh Sonni, you've got so much on your plate. How could you not feel resentful sometimes? Sure, there are other people whose lives are difficult, but that fact doesn't minimize your burden -- nor should it invalidate your feelings.

I just read your responses to robb, another caregiver whose mother has COPD, and I was almost moved to tears. You gave such insightful advice about carving out time for yourself...please heed your own words and don't give into your guilt! Getting out on your own is essential.

You can think of it as necessary self-care: if you don't nourish and replenish yourself, you won't be able to care for your family.

Much love to you.

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by Sonni @ 06:07 AM June 08, 2008

Sonni — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 06:07:22 -0000

Hi Missy,

Thank You for the opportunity to vent! My family consists of my Mother who has COPD, Autoimmune Hepatitis, and Myelodysplasia. My brother was in a motorcycle accident in 1995, his right arm was amputated, and he has chronic pain due to brachio plexus injury to his spinal chord. His pain medications cause loss of memory, inability to reason simple problems, he forgets to eat and care for himself.

I love my mother and brother more than my life itself, but there are days when I want to go out into our backyard and scream til I have no voice left. My mother's illnesses are not her fault, its the hand she has been dealt. But I am angry that she is sick. I am angry that these diseases (COPD and Myelodysplasia) could take her life, so I enjoy every moment with her that I can. She and I get along "like two peas in a pod" as the saying goes.

But my brother knew when he left that New Years eve party on a rainy night, he shouldve stayed. His decision has effected both my Mom's life and mine. Taking care of Mom is difficult enough, but (God Forgive Me) sometimes I resent having to take care of my brother. I resent it and I feel guilty and helpless. I am grateful that there are days when he can leave the house and go to his friends, if anything it gives Mom and I peace for awhile. My brother and I get along together, but we are as different as night and day... He sleeps most of the day away, and is up and awake most of the night... Well, caregiving gets overwhelming when I am awake during the day to care for Mom, and awake part of the night caring for him as well.

I am here caregiving my family on my own. Somedays, it feels quite a lonely place to be in this life. I have no other family to help. I feel like I'm losing my sanity due to the stress.

I feel so guilty that I feel so much resentment. I don't have a life outside of caregiving for my family. Its beginning to take it's toll on me. I realize I need to get out on my own but its very difficult when someone wants to be near you all day everyday...Anyway...

Its an honor that God sees me as someone strong enough to deal with this situation. Mom has always told me " If you think you have it so bad...There is someone out there in the world who wishes they're life was/is as easy as yours." I pray for those who are caregiving to their loved ones, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one."

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by Cindy57 @ 09:07 PM June 06, 2008

Cindy57 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:07:19 -0000

Hi Missy,

I took care of my grandparents alone..At first I was resentful of them for not putting forth any effort to help me..I had to quit my job because they required so much help..I guess you could say I was lucky to be able to quit but at the time it didn't feel that way..I loved my work and with a little help I could have kept working..

After a while I wasn't resentful anymore..I really got to a point that it was normal to do everything I did..

You have to keep in mind that I cared for them for 21 years so that makes a huge difference I think..

Poll: Do your siblings/family help enough? posted by Missy @ 08:08 PM June 06, 2008

Missy — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:08:26 -0000

With regard to giving care, in any capacity, to your parents, do you feel as though your siblings and/or family help enough? I'm wondering if the majority of us feel some resentment or quite content. You can simply post "yes" or "no", but please feel free to add any comments!

Thanks for your participation!

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