Hi Missy,
Thank You for the opportunity to vent! My family consists of my Mother who has COPD, Autoimmune Hepatitis, and Myelodysplasia. My brother was in a motorcycle accident in 1995, his right arm was amputated, and he has chronic pain due to brachio plexus injury to his spinal chord. His pain medications cause loss of memory, inability to reason simple problems, he forgets to eat and care for himself.
I love my mother and brother more than my life itself, but there are days when I want to go out into our backyard and scream til I have no voice left. My mother's illnesses are not her fault, its the hand she has been dealt. But I am angry that she is sick. I am angry that these diseases (COPD and Myelodysplasia) could take her life, so I enjoy every moment with her that I can. She and I get along "like two peas in a pod" as the saying goes.
But my brother knew when he left that New Years eve party on a rainy night, he shouldve stayed. His decision has effected both my Mom's life and mine. Taking care of Mom is difficult enough, but (God Forgive Me) sometimes I resent having to take care of my brother. I resent it and I feel guilty and helpless. I am grateful that there are days when he can leave the house and go to his friends, if anything it gives Mom and I peace for awhile. My brother and I get along together, but we are as different as night and day... He sleeps most of the day away, and is up and awake most of the night... Well, caregiving gets overwhelming when I am awake during the day to care for Mom, and awake part of the night caring for him as well.
I am here caregiving my family on my own. Somedays, it feels quite a lonely place to be in this life. I have no other family to help. I feel like I'm losing my sanity due to the stress.
I feel so guilty that I feel so much resentment. I don't have a life outside of caregiving for my family. Its beginning to take it's toll on me. I realize I need to get out on my own but its very difficult when someone wants to be near you all day everyday...Anyway...
Its an honor that God sees me as someone strong enough to deal with this situation. Mom has always told me " If you think you have it so bad...There is someone out there in the world who wishes they're life was/is as easy as yours." I pray for those who are caregiving to their loved ones, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one."