mom,stroke,passive aggressive, i am only caregiver

Hey momwacko,  

Don't take it personally!   (I know easier said then done!)   Passive agressive behavior is hard.  You end up feeling guilty and put out.  We just can't take it personally.  I was visiting a friend this weekend - she has a little built in suite for her parents - her dad's terminal with hospice help at home, and her mom is just tired of it all.  She wants her bedroom back, her life back, her comfort back and sometimes she just gets angry and spiteful.  Dealing with loss is so hard for everyone. The only thing I could do was to just listen with lots of attention and then give her a big hug.    So you have to just know that her acting out is out of frustration, loss, helplessness, whatever. I think its important for you to create a little private space and time for yourselves too. Can you get a little bit of help sometimes so you can get a break?   

I'm sorry your mother's move has coincided with a time you hoped and expected to have more freedom to think your own thoughts and pursue some dreams.  And I admire your doing what needed to be done for your mother.  I'm looking at a similar situation and haven't been able to commit to doing it yet. You might try practicing some verbal boundaries that tell your mother that what she said is not okay with you, like "That wasn't very nice, Mom." or, "I'm not interested in hearing things like that, Mom."  One of my favorites is simply, "That's not what I am here for, Mom."  This is the end of the conversation for you, for the time being.  Repeatly using sentences like this puts the ball back in her court, leaves the fallout to her, and doesn't sound hateful.  Also, believe me when I say that she probably hates herself for saying things like that to you, but she's still angry about her situation, too.  She might apprectiate the boundaries as time goes on.   And make sure you have a person outside your family to vent to. This person should confirm your sense of violation and remind you that you're an amazingly good person.  My non-family support person really helps me get over stuff fast, so it doesn't ruin my weekend (sometimes!).

The previous posters gave you some great advice. Here is some from the site itself:

http://www.caring.com/checklists/8-life-issues-caring-for-parent

Perhaps that will give you some guidance, as well.

Bless!

~Laura