http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle en-us 60 <p>I have a mother-in-law who got lupus 16 years ago. She is 57 years old. She manged it with a few medications at the time. However, through the years the Doctors loaded her up with more and more pills. The amount is to 20 pills now. I have never heard of taking so many different pills for this disease.</p><p>Anyway, she loves to eat fatty foods and weighs about 350 pounds. She is a horder who lives in piles and piles of junk in her home. Her husband is 10 years older and smokes about 3 packs of cigs a day. He has bad health too.&nbsp; But, he has to take care of her. He is always waiting on her. He cooks for her and everything.&nbsp; My mother-in-law is her own worse enemy. She drinks 6 sodas a day and wonders why she keeps getting bladder infections. She eats the wrong foods which always sets her stomach off because she has colitus. She does everything a person shouldn't do when it comes to her health. Now her husband has been ill for 2 weeks, but is getting better.&nbsp; This is why I am writing. What is going to happen to her if he is not around anymore? His health is bad too and he doesn't take care of himself either, but at leaset he is able to take care of her right now. She craves attention from everyone and expects everyone to wait on her. My husband and his brother said they put themselves in this situation, now they have to live with it. They don't act too concerned with the future and what may happen to their mother. I keep asking my husband what is he going to do with his Mother if something happens to his dad since he is the one who waits on her hand and foot. She is actually on oxygen. Hard to believe. She is 57 years old with oxygen tanks. She does nothing to change her situation and actually expects people to help her, especially all of us. </p><p>What is my role as the daughter in law? Keep in mind I have a full time job and run our business in the evenings plus I try to keep up our house. Also, they have no money and owe on a house that should have been paid for years ago. How can we get them the care that they need? They never planned for their future. In fact they act like children. This is how irresponsible they are with their bills. Can somone please help me. I can't take care of them. I have to work and my husband has to run the business. I hope I can get some answers from someone. Thanks</p><p>&nbsp;</p> Tue, 06 May 2008 22:23:14 -0000 www.caring.com:7:92:530 Chaney http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle <p>You're so welcome, Kath!&nbsp; While it's unfortunate, I have a feeling that you'll get more replies from others in a similar situation.&nbsp; Hopefully their words will help too.</p><p>&nbsp;</p> Sat, 19 Apr 2008 20:49:13 -0000 www.caring.com:7:92:427 Missy http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle <p>Dear Missy,</p><p>Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.&nbsp; I greatly appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in my frustration.</p><p>Kath</p> Sat, 19 Apr 2008 16:17:38 -0000 www.caring.com:7:92:425 kath0362 http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle <p>Hi Kath,</p><p>As a fellow daughter-in-law caught in the middle, I suggest strongly that you do stay out of it, for the most part.&nbsp; What I encourage you to do, though, is sit down with your husband, talk it all out to see where he stands on all of these issues, then let him know that you support him.&nbsp; That may not send him off to confront his brother, but at least he knows if he decides too you'll be by his side.&nbsp;</p><p>In my own family, I had an uncle much like your brother-in-law &quot;caring&quot; for my grandmother. There were, undoubtedly, concerns about the cleanliness and safety of the house.&nbsp; They had a similar unusual relationship.&nbsp; When anyone tried to talk to her about it, she made it very clear that she was unwilling to change things (i.e. live permanently with another relative, for example).&nbsp; Even though we felt there were better things out there for her, she willingly didn't choose them.&nbsp; What can you do with that?&nbsp; You know?&nbsp; Free will, sometimes unfortunately, is pretty powerful, both for your mother-in-law and husband.&nbsp; Everyone needs to want a change to make one in this case.</p><p>With that all said, I understand how it is SO hard to see a situation like this.&nbsp; Don't you just want to yell at your brother-in-law for what he's doing?&nbsp; But then I'm sure, if he's been defensive in the past, there is some worry that he'll make your mother-in-law pay for whatever anger he has from any confrontation.&nbsp; I really feel for you.&nbsp; Please keep us updated.&nbsp; I'll be thinking about you!</p> Sat, 19 Apr 2008 14:00:25 -0000 www.caring.com:7:92:423 Missy http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle <p>My 58 year old brother-in-law is the primary caregiver for my 89 year old mother-in-law.&nbsp; She lives alone but he spends every evening with her...sees that she gets a meal and watches tv with her.&nbsp; (he's twice divorced) Their relationship has always been unusual...he's very controlling and she seems to like to have him <i><b>make every single decision for her.&nbsp;</b></i> (He's been ordering her meals in restaurants for at least 20 years...she doesn't get a chance to even&nbsp; speak to the waitress when he's there. When my husband and I take her out...without him...she's required to read the menu and order for herself...which she is quite capable of.)</p> <p>Recently we learned that he had her quitclaim her third of her house to him <b>seven years ago</b>.(He has been renting an apartment for 20 years.) My husband and I purchased the house thirty years ago when our two children were small and we were living on one income. As a good-will gesture we put her on the deed as a one-third owner so that she could get tax benefits.&nbsp; She made the $300/month payments...which was far less than the rent she had been paying. Our intention has always been that when the time comes for her to be in an assisted-living home, we would sell the home and use the money to cover her expenses. </p> <p>Medical appointments haven't been made for her except when she's ill...she never complains...recently we took her in to have her pessary cleaned and checked..something that needs to be done every three months...since he hadn't had it checked in 1 1/2 years...significant infection requiring two antibiotics...plus yeast infections and no dental cleanings in ten years...just teeth pulled due to neglect...add to that the cat litter covering the bathroom floor and the refrigerator full of spoiled food and/or ice cream, cookies and soft drinks.&nbsp; </p> <p>My husband does NOT want to be the caregiver (we live three hours away and my husband and I both work part-time) and <i><b>I'm sure the mom likes things the way they are...</b></i>but now we found out that there are hefty credit card debts despite the fact that she never shops, the house is filthy and not kept up, and her social security and retirement brings in about $2200/month. The house is now completely paid for and my husband and I pay the taxes and insurance.</p> <p>My question to this discussion group is should I just back away and let the two brothers handle the mom's living situation ... I've never said anything negative to the brother about his housekeeping...in fact on several occassions I've thanked him for everything he does and told him to let us know how we can help... but he deeply resents it when I clean up and fix things since he thinks I don't think he's doing a good job. It's so hard to see her live in such an unclean environment and I am not a super housekeeper myself but her home is really bad...cat hair and talcum powder over everything, filthy broken recliner, torn cushions,dirty laundry in the bathtub, her clothes in huge piles on the floor around the bedroom etc.&nbsp; Both of my own parents have passed away some time ago so I want to help her in whatever way I can.</p> <p>Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.&nbsp; Thank you.</p> Sat, 19 Apr 2008 04:28:58 -0000 www.caring.com:7:92:421 kath0362 http://www.caring.com/community/groups/relationships/discussions/daughter-in-law-caught-in-the-middle