My 58 year old brother-in-law is the primary caregiver for my 89 year old mother-in-law. She lives alone but he spends every evening with her...sees that she gets a meal and watches tv with her. (he's twice divorced) Their relationship has always been unusual...he's very controlling and she seems to like to have him make every single decision for her. (He's been ordering her meals in restaurants for at least 20 years...she doesn't get a chance to even speak to the waitress when he's there. When my husband and I take her out...without him...she's required to read the menu and order for herself...which she is quite capable of.)
Recently we learned that he had her quitclaim her third of her house to him seven years ago.(He has been renting an apartment for 20 years.) My husband and I purchased the house thirty years ago when our two children were small and we were living on one income. As a good-will gesture we put her on the deed as a one-third owner so that she could get tax benefits. She made the $300/month payments...which was far less than the rent she had been paying. Our intention has always been that when the time comes for her to be in an assisted-living home, we would sell the home and use the money to cover her expenses.
Medical appointments haven't been made for her except when she's ill...she never complains...recently we took her in to have her pessary cleaned and checked..something that needs to be done every three months...since he hadn't had it checked in 1 1/2 years...significant infection requiring two antibiotics...plus yeast infections and no dental cleanings in ten years...just teeth pulled due to neglect...add to that the cat litter covering the bathroom floor and the refrigerator full of spoiled food and/or ice cream, cookies and soft drinks.
My husband does NOT want to be the caregiver (we live three hours away and my husband and I both work part-time) and I'm sure the mom likes things the way they are...but now we found out that there are hefty credit card debts despite the fact that she never shops, the house is filthy and not kept up, and her social security and retirement brings in about $2200/month. The house is now completely paid for and my husband and I pay the taxes and insurance.
My question to this discussion group is should I just back away and let the two brothers handle the mom's living situation ... I've never said anything negative to the brother about his housekeeping...in fact on several occassions I've thanked him for everything he does and told him to let us know how we can help... but he deeply resents it when I clean up and fix things since he thinks I don't think he's doing a good job. It's so hard to see her live in such an unclean environment and I am not a super housekeeper myself but her home is really bad...cat hair and talcum powder over everything, filthy broken recliner, torn cushions,dirty laundry in the bathtub, her clothes in huge piles on the floor around the bedroom etc. Both of my own parents have passed away some time ago so I want to help her in whatever way I can.
Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
