http://www.caring.com/community/groups/living-arrangements/discussions/welcome-to-living-arrangements en-us 60 <p>I'm envious of how well you all are able to accomodate everybody's needs.&nbsp; Wish I had a similar talent.&nbsp; Living arrangements in our family where our aging parents are concerned have ranged from fairly easy to impossible.&nbsp; My father was left blind and brain injured about ten years ago after an anyurism burst in his brain, he survived about seven years and was cared for at home.&nbsp; With Dad, as long as he was physically able to travel (until the last six months), he spent every other week at my house by choice.&nbsp; I live 100 miles from his home and he traveled back and forth at will.&nbsp; He rather enjoyed it.&nbsp; I think it allowed him to hold onto a touch of freedom and control plus it kept him and Mom from going stir crazy couped up together all the time because he did require 24/7 care for over seven years.&nbsp;</p><p>My ailing mother-in-law is an entirely different story.&nbsp; My father-in-law refuses to allow us to help ... it's obvious he's terrified of giving up his choices and is determined to go out on his own terms.&nbsp; Unfortunately we're 200 miles from my in-laws and since our assistance is unwelcomed to the point of hostility it has become increasingly difficult to even visit.&nbsp; My father-in-law will go put the padlock on the yard shed if he knows we are coming to prevent my husband from giving their neglected property any attention while we're there.&nbsp; They're well aware that I've been a nurse for over 25 years, yet my father-in-law is all but combative if I attempt to care for my ailing mother-in-law in even the simplest way (getting her a glass of juice can send him into fits) ... and the fact that she asks for me whenever her condition worsens or she becomes frightened makes him crazy.&nbsp; It's become so painful for my husband that I now have noticed him making excuses not to go and as bad as I want to resist the temptation because I feel we're neglecting them, I can't stop myself from giving in to some of his excuses to put off a visit for yet another week, then another.&nbsp; My husband is resistant to visits but my son all but refuses ... each time he comes home on leave he says he wants to see them then manages not to have the time.&nbsp; I intend to make him go when he comes home for Christmas, his last visit before deploying to Iraq, because I fear they won't be here&nbsp;by the time&nbsp;he comes home from the war.</p><p>The stress is horrible and understanding the dynamics behind everybody's behaviors in this situation does little to alleviate the strain on all of us.&nbsp; The bottom line is that my in-laws are both still competent and&nbsp;they are barely able to function well enough to provide for their own needs BUT they still are doing it.&nbsp; Simply put, the choices are theirs to make.&nbsp; Obviously they want to remain my husband's parents, not his charges or dependants, and intend to stubbornly do so as long as it remains in their power.&nbsp; We just wish we could find a way to ease their burden (and no, they won't let us hire help for the house and yard, we already tried that).&nbsp; Any ideas besides lots of therapy (for us, not them)&nbsp;and prayer?</p> Wed, 15 Oct 2008 02:47:55 -0000 www.caring.com:10:128:1703 jaded_heart http://www.caring.com/community/groups/living-arrangements/discussions/welcome-to-living-arrangements <p>Wow, Taura! I am really amazed and impressed with all that you and your husband have done! We considered insulating our garage at one point also, due to pure lack of space. You guys have done that and so much more! I'm sure your parents and aunt really appreciate having their &quot;own&quot; space- kudos to you! Thanks for coming by and sharing your story. :)</p><p>Lisa</p> Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:48:36 -0000 www.caring.com:10:128:1143 Lisa B http://www.caring.com/community/groups/living-arrangements/discussions/welcome-to-living-arrangements <p>Hello, everyone!&nbsp; I just thought I'd share my &quot;living arrangements&quot; situation with everyone.</p><br /><br /><p>First, a little background:&nbsp; I am an only child (married with no children), and am primary caregiver to my 90 year-old dad, 85 year-old mom and 80 year-old developmentally disabled aunt.</p><br /><br /><p>My mother is very alert and pretty mentally clear for her age.&nbsp; She is physically healthy but is VERY stressed out.&nbsp; Recently (over the last year or so) she is beginning to show very early signs of dementia.&nbsp; (We have a Dr. Appt.&nbsp; next week.)&nbsp; &nbsp;</p><br /><br /><p>My father is sharp as a tack, but has a lot of medical issues.&nbsp; He is currently living with recently-diagnosed bladder cancer.&nbsp; He has chosen (with my mom and I supporting his decision) to NOT undergo any heroic surgeries (bladder removal, etc) due to his age.&nbsp; He will, instead, &quot;live with the cancer&quot; in the hope that he will not be too terribly uncomfortable in the end.</p><br /><br /><p>Also, my mom took on the responsibility of primary caregiver to her develpomentally disabled sister over 45 years ago.&nbsp; Now, my mom is physically unable to perform the tasks required of her in that role ... and, at 85,&nbsp; who would want her to?! My aunt, although unable to perform any advanced tasks (cooking, dressing, showering, etc) is very physically healthy.&nbsp; She needs guidance, assistance and supervision on a 24/7 basis.</p><br /><br /><p>=====</p><br /><br /><br /><p>Living arrangements:</p><br /><br /><p>Last year, in January, we had a series of family discussions about &quot;what happens next?&quot; when everyone gets older, more ill and more unable to care for themselves.&nbsp; After MANY discussions (a few of them quite heated!), we agreed as a family that we would prefer that all (3) &quot;parents&quot; stay in their current environment, the family home.&nbsp; This, of course, came after quite a few visits to assisted living facilities ... which, one by one, we're rejected as an option, for various reasons.</p><br /><br /><p>So, in July 2007, we began a remodeling project in my parent's single-story home.&nbsp; They stayed with my husband and I in our 2-bedroom, 2-story townhouse for 5 months while the heavy construction took place.&nbsp; Whew!&nbsp; That was tough!&nbsp; My dad slept on our VERY comfy couch ... he had the best deal, I think!&nbsp; He was close to the fridge and close to a bathroom.&nbsp; What more could a guy want?!&nbsp; My mom and aunt (because of my aunt's disability) slept together in our master bedroom.&nbsp; My husband and I slept on a not-very-comfy futon in our shared office.&nbsp; Let me just say it's a REALLY good thing that we all get along! =o)&nbsp; The quarters were cramped, and, not having ever lived anywhere else other than the family home for 45 years, my parents were real troopers!</p><br /><br /><p>Our goal with the remodeling project was to create 2 seperate living areas that would allow everyone a small measure of privacy.&nbsp; We also wanted to spend as little money as possible on the remodel, because the goal was also to pay it off QUICKLY (within 3 years)!&nbsp; This way, if my parents needed ever-increasing care, I would be able to quit my job and devote myself full-time to their care without any of us feeling a financial pinch ... and without my husband feeling any of the burden of providing intimate care to my family.</p><br /><br /><p>Although it was heartbreaking for my mom, after doing the financial calculations, we decided that the most cost-effective method of giving everyone enough breathing room was to convert the existing &quot;formal living and formal dining room&quot; (covered in plastic and never used!) in to a bedroom and bathroom.&nbsp; Also, the 2-car garage was insulated, the floor was raised and insulated, and is now fit for use as a small sitting room / dining area / kitchenette / laundry room for my husband and I.</p><br /><br /><p>We were also able to do some creative re-decorating, and we moved my parent's &quot;fancy&quot; furniture in to the main portion of the house and re-cycled the &quot;old&quot; stuff for use in our new &quot;kitchenette / sitting room&quot; area.&nbsp; Now, my mom is enjoying her beautiful furniture every day and is actually quite thrilled with her &quot;new home&quot;!</p><br /><br /><p>Of course, my husband and I had our own place and years of accumulated &quot;stuff&quot; to deal with.&nbsp; We were also acutely aware of the fact that all of our &quot;stuff&quot; was simply that!&nbsp; We had very little problem with donating virtually ALL of our furniture and miscellaneous stuff to charity.&nbsp; We even had a few days of &quot;give it to the neighbors!&quot;&nbsp; where we would move a TON of stuff outside to the driveway with a big 'FREE' sign and watch it all walk away! Of course, I was a TEENSY bit pained to be giving away some favorite items, half of my library (ouch!) or some of my rather expensive antiques, but, in a strange way, it was also liberating!</p><br /><br /><p>So, we're all under one roof now.&nbsp; The parents don't really need us here 24/7 ... YET.&nbsp; But, we're just a walk down the hallway should they need us for anything.&nbsp; Also, this arrangement has allowed us some &quot;breathing room&quot; and an opportunity to PLAN in advance for a time when things will surely get more difficult.&nbsp; I'm still working full-time, as is my husband.&nbsp; He and I are paying off the $80,000 remodeling expense as quickly as possible.&nbsp; This way, when I need to quit my job and switch gears, we wil have no financial obligations aside from food and utilities, which my husband will more than be able to handle.&nbsp; This will also allow my husband and I to continue to put money in our savings account and will ensure that my parents personal money is more than enough for them to live out the rest of their lives, without the need for assisted living expenses and the like.&nbsp; This is the plan, anyway!</p><br /><br /><p>We all officially moved in in January of 2008, and we're all quite happy!&nbsp; Of course, now that I'm here, there are inevitably many more things that need attention, simply because I am so convenient!&nbsp; But, I really don't mind.&nbsp; I am trying my very best to give my parents the unconditional love and support that they always gave me.&nbsp; And, of course, my husband is a SAINT!&nbsp; We're childless by choice, but, we can see that the road ahead could very well become exhausting!</p><br /><br /><p>Anyway ... that's how we're doing it!&nbsp; Comments / suggestions welcome!</p> Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:53:16 -0000 www.caring.com:10:128:1067 Taura_Krise http://www.caring.com/community/groups/living-arrangements/discussions/welcome-to-living-arrangements <p>Hello! Welcome to our &quot;Living Arrangements&quot; group. Choosing the best living arrangement option for both your parent and your family can be tough. Here you'll find a supportive place to to post questions as well as share advice and support to others who are&nbsp;facing similar circumstances and decisions.</p> <p>If you're new to our Community, please take a moment to review our&nbsp;<a href="http://www.caring.com/about/community_guidelines" rel="nofollow">Caring.com's Code of Conduct.</a>&nbsp;These guidelines will help you sucessfully participate in our groups.</p> <p>&nbsp;So, let's get talking! Feel free to reply to an existing post or start a new discussion of your own.</p> <p>Lisa</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> Sat, 17 May 2008 00:08:20 -0000 www.caring.com:10:128:613 Lisa B http://www.caring.com/community/groups/living-arrangements/discussions/welcome-to-living-arrangements