Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 05:33 PM September 28, 2008

Marla — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:33:58 -0000

Kate poses an interesting suggestion. I'm not sure there is a universal answer, obviously, to that. When dementia, stroke, Alzheimer's is part of the deal, it compounds the difficulty in making the right decisions for their long-term care because you don't really know all the time what they want. Boy, and finding a decent facility that you can afford is near impossible.

My mom knows there is stress in the house and doesn't say a word about it. That makes me mad. Like, she knows it's causing hardships on me and my husband, but is so selfish that she doesn't care. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. I've known her all my life, so I tend to follow my instincts on her behaviors. She said something once, when she called me in the middle of the night with diarrhea and I was exhausted and impatient in cleaning her and the bedding. I said I was sick of living in a nursing home (and instantly felt intense regret and guilt). She said, "I'm sorry you have to do this. Maybe we can call (nursing home name where she "recovered" after stroke) and have them take me back." I said, "no, that's not going to happen", and I just dropped it.

Anyway, I guess we all have to consider our own circumstances and gauge how to bring up moving with them accordingly.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kate Rauch @ 04:40 PM September 28, 2008

Kate Rauch — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:40:05 -0000

Maybe I'm overly optimistic or rose-colored glasses prone, but I think our beloved elders would rather live on their own, even in an assisted living type situation, than move in with extended family when this causes obvious stresses and tensions. Crowded quarters, finanical difficulties, historically bad relations; time juggling pressures... these sorts of things. WHICH ARE COMMON AND NORMAL AND NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! They may outwardly object to assisted living; but on a day to day basis find this more peaceful and healing. I guess much depends on the facility, and I am a big proponent of checking places out thoroughly, and getting the best one can afford. But my point is, what seems the "best solution" on paper, having grandpa or mom or dad or great-aunt move in, may not really be, for anyone, including the elder. It's worth taking the time to think this through with self-honesty. . . Living with tension in the air is felt by everyone in the household. Great if it can be worked through and solved easily and swiftly. But this isn't always possible.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 03:43 PM September 28, 2008

Marla — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 15:43:36 -0000

Judy,

I neglected to ask about your situation. Please share your story if you want to.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 03:40 PM September 28, 2008

Marla — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 15:40:02 -0000

Judy! Liz!

Judy, you are spot-on, 100% correct in all your points! I wish I could have been as succinct in my thoughts! Liz, PLEASE take heed on what Judy is saying. Read her comments very carefully and know she is right. I have experienced (and it sounds like Judy has, too) ALL OF WHAT SHE HAS WRITTEN. You need to think of yourself and your new husband and marriage. This is a valiant, loving thing you are doing with your grandpa, but Judy is speaking from experience, and yours will be no different. Judy's #4 point is really worth ingesting, Liz, since we're women and we seem to really encase ourselves in GUILT. It's the worst. Guilt at being angry at them when they call at midnight wanting 7-Up. Guilt at wanting to put them in a facility. Guilt that you aren't paying enough attention to your husband. Guilt that you're just pissed off in general. Guilt that you can't do it all.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 03:24 PM September 28, 2008

Marla — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 15:24:11 -0000

Hi Liz,

My heart goes out to you. You are so young to have all these burdens and responsibilities. How long has he lived with you two? Do you have a caregiver (PT or FT)? Who pays his bills?

My feelings on family members like your aunt and my brother are these: they are showing their true colors now. They will never be anything other than what they are now. They are glad and relieved you are taking all the responsibility so they don't have to. They are NOT grateful, so don't expect any graciousness from them. The only thing you may do is write her a letter - but do it for yourself and expect no comfort or accomodation or help - and let her know how you feel. Just write out your frustration and anger and resentment, then if decide to send it, do. You may want to just burn the letter after venting. Upon receipt, she will probably become very defensive and mad at you and may lash out. Whatever. Don't let that hurt you. At least she knows how you feel. In your letter, you may want to remind her that it would be very hurtful and childish for her to bring your grandpa - her dad - into this matter. Remind her that these matters are between you, your husband and her. Take some time writing it and spell out what exactly you would like her to do. You mentioned above her taking some responsibility. Tell her what you want from her. But again, don't expect anything.

I've disowned my brother after he stole the $30K from Mom. She knows exactly how I feel about him and she just has to deal with it. I don't talk bad about him in front of Mom. I dial the phone for her when she wants to talk with him, and when he calls for her (twice a year - birthday and Mother's Day), I let her talk with him. But, make no mistake. I've made it very clear to her my anger. She had her stroke in September 2006, and not once, not once, has he even SEEN HER. Amazing. He lives in Maryland. Big deal, huh? There's flights every 6 hours. So, during her after-stroke ICU is-she-going-to-die? period, to the 2 months in the nursing home "recovering", to moving in with us in December 2006, he never even visited. He actually said once, a long time ago, that her moving in with us would be great for everyone! "Mom can sit outside on the back deck, read her magazines, enjoy all the flowers, and watch the birds and squirrels." Can you believe that detachment from reality? That's how these people think. They have no concept of what it's like. But that's how they like it, right? Totally removed.

Good luck to you, Liz. Keep in touch and pleeeeease let me/us know how you are. Vent any time!

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Judy @ 03:12 PM September 28, 2008

Judy — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 15:12:42 -0000

LizW, You and your husband sound like wonderful caring people. Since I read your note last night , you have been on my mind. If I were your mother,, I would say "DONT"! But since I am not and dont know all the circumstances, please let me offer some advice on what you should know before commiting to this..

#1 If you take the responsibility,, no one else will. They will praise you about what a wonderful person you are,,, but only because you have taken the responsibility off of them.

#2 As your grandfathers health gets worse,, so will all of your relationships,, including your husband. Your life will be consumed with your grandfathers wellbeing and happiness and there will be no room for any other.

#3 Your health will deteriorate .

#4 Once you move him in there is not much chance of changing your mind because the guilt will be so much more overwelming..

#5 People who say they will help,, will only help when it is convenient for them and their thought will be, "you are the once that chose to do this, not them".

God bless you for considering this,, but please think about another way,, possibly assisted living? That way you can care for him and still have a part of you left for your husband.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by LizW @ 04:34 AM September 28, 2008

LizW — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 04:34:09 -0000

I am 27 years old and a newly wed (3 weeks). I am the primary caregiver for my 89 year old grandfather. My father passed away, his daughter (my aunt) lives in another state and doesnt help. he was living on his own but i had set up a visiting nurse service. When i returned from my honeymoon i found out he started to refuse care and was depressed. My husband being the great man he is said that he could come and live with us. We have the room for him, and i love him to death but i am so resentful about the lack of help from his daughter. She calls him once a week and sends him pajamas for christmas but thats it. I would love to confront her but i dont want to upset my grandpa. It will take a few week to get the house ready for him, i want her to take some responsibility!!!!

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 11:43 PM September 27, 2008

Marla — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 23:43:03 -0000

Thank you, Kate. I will talk with the caregiver about over-nights. It would be nice to have a few quiet nights knowing your sleep won't be interrupted by anything, or to be able to just lay around the house on your own.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kate Rauch @ 11:10 PM September 27, 2008

Kate Rauch — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 23:10:07 -0000

Hi Marla, and welcome to the discussion. Time can pass with these cyber conversations, but people still read..... and weigh in when they feel the need. Your situation sounds so familiar. I don't know if it helps, but you certainly aren't alone juggling all the conflicting emotions of love, annoyance, stress and caring. It really is tough to add another adult to your household, and when it's your parent, tougher still because of the confusing expectations and guilt. All your feelings are normal. I'm glad things have simmered down from the kingdom expectations. And I'm glad you've found a good caregiver. (Not easy; you're lucky!) I wonder if there's anything that can be done to help you and your husband get some alone time in the short term. Can the caregiver take your mom out for longer stretches of time, like to dinner and a movie? Can she or other family members take your mom on regular overnights; like monthly? Little things like this can go a long way. . . Also, check out your local senior center. Many offer a variety of activities, outings, and fieldtrips. This could be a win-win, entertaining your mom, and giving you alone time in your own house. Just a few ideas. At the very least, maybe the caregiver can come over so you can go out on a date with your husband --- very soon. Like tonight! Keep us posted with how things go.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Marla @ 09:36 PM September 27, 2008

Marla — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 21:36:25 -0000

Hello,

I just found this site and see that the last response to this question was 5 months ago, so I don't know if it's even still being viewed.

My mom had a stroke 2 years ago and after a short 2 month "recovery" in a nursing home, moved in with me and my husband (we have no kids). It's been very trying to say the least. The nursing home basically kicked her out the door with no counseling for me and my husband. We had no idea what we needed for her care from basics like water-proof pads on her bed to needing a "gate-belt" to help her walk. We, like a lot of folks, went through months of hell trying to find a competant caregiver. Having to interview, hire, train, trust them in your house and with your parent, then firing and going thru it again and again, that was just maddening.

In the beginning, Mom really took advantage of the situation, expecting us to cater to her 24/7. Asking for a piece of pie after calling and waking me up at midnight. Wanting me to change the chanel on the TV after calling and waking me up at 2am. This lasted a few months until we let go of our guilt at saying NO and told her she didn't live in a spa or the Hilton.

Now, after 2 years, we have a wonderful part-time caregiver. However, we are really struggling with not having any alone-time. We have a small, 1400sf, 3 BR rambler. There's just no privacy. I'm also feeing some resentment at the situation, since I'm the only one in the family who is sacrificing for her. My brother stole $30K from her after her husband died (before her stroke). That money would have really come in handy for her care, you know!? So, we are slowly considering putting her in an Adult Family Home. My husband and I have been talking about it between the two of us for a few months, but ultimately, we don't make any moves in that direction due to guilt. I feel she will deteriorate and just wither away and die in a home. She loves it here in our home, but we are really not happy and the living situation is affecting our marital relationship. We fight a lot about silly things that I guess we are substituting for the real issues of having our lives changed so drastically so quickly.

I don't want to appear to not love my Mom. Of course I/we do. She and I have always been incredibly close throughout my life. She's funny, intelligent, witty and loving. I just wonder how many of you guys out there have or are going through similar feelings and how you have or are dealing with it.

It's so cathartic to have someone to "talk" to. None of my friends understand. Being an adult child caregiver is something no one can understand unless you've gone through it yourself.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Sidekick Homes @ 04:11 AM April 16, 2008

Sidekick Homes — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:11:20 -0000

My brother and I both lived away from our small home town and our parents as they aged. They provided for themselves fairly well until dad died suddenly. Mom slowly began to isolate herself and, soon she spent every day alone. When, on one of our visits, we found plates with scraps of food stacked with the clean plates in the cabinet we knew we needed to take action. At first we tried a care professional who could be with her all day, but that left the nights unsupervised and after a time mom grew suspicious of the person caring for her. We followed by trying small group homes, two or three of those, but nothing satisfied her and us together. Finally her greatest fear was realized when we had no choice we could see short of moving her to a nursing home. She lived another two years after that day but very unhappily away from family and away from her home of 40 years.

Neither my brother or I were willing to move mom in with our families. At the time we lived in a very small home with two kids in school. My brother's home was a bit larger, but his two sons would have had to share a room and my brother and his wife would have had to move into one of the boy's rooms upstairs to give mom a bedroom on the first floor. It all sounds so selfish now after she's gone. Make no mistake, Mom wasn't easy either so she would have needed her own space.

I now provide small cottages for people to house their aging parents. It's a small payback that I wish I could have done for my mother.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Rebecca @ 02:44 AM April 11, 2008

Rebecca — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:44:48 -0000

Hi Annie, Just wanted to send a little support your way too! I just had a few months of caring for my mother but so grateful that I could give her that care. God we have so much we have to try to balance... I was wondering about your question about ways to help your mom adjust.... Don't know if it would work, but are there things in your house and life that you could ask her to help with - to be responsible for - that might make her feel more like it was important for her to be there? Stay in touch!!

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kirby F @ 01:15 AM April 11, 2008

Kirby F — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:15:07 -0000

Judy and Annie,

My heart goes out to both of you.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it is really useful for me to reflect on this now, before my kids have to take care of me.

Judy, I can understand your mom's desire to be in her house. I really relate to being put at ease with being in my own space. Can you suss out the important things for her and re-create them in her room? I think I might like to be able to make myself tea without seeing other folks. And, having my own bathroom would help too. Best of luck. And, please, keep asking the other wise caregivers here for advice. I'm amazed by their wisdom.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Judy @ 02:03 AM April 10, 2008

Judy — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:03:02 -0000

Annie, God bless you! I understand your stress and struggles. My parents lived in there home for two years before we moved them in with us. My dad has dementia and sundowners and gets really crazy in the night time, my mom also has health problems and can barely see or walk. We had the neck monitor that would call my house when pushed and I would be running over there all hours of the day and night. We had help come in for part of the day,, but got way to expensive. Our choice was either to put them in a nursing home or move them in. I couldnt imagine walking out of the nursing home and leaving them there. We sold their house and built on to our house. We had a large covered patio,, tore it all down and made a very nice living area, with bathroom and bed area. It has been really hard but at least I am home and not having to leave my family at all hours. We also are getting up in age, (in our 60's) and sometimes I resent the fact that I am tied down and cant enjoy my later years. But again,, the alternative is worse. Its not easy, but I am sure of one thing.. I dont want to have regrets over what I could have done. Hang in there,,,

Judy

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Annie @ 08:09 PM April 09, 2008

Annie — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:09:17 -0000

Hello. Just found this site. I have read all the input. It is a relief to know I am not alone in my struggles to care for my aging parents. 8 years ago, my father suffered a stroke that shouldhave killed him but did not. He then developed dementia. My mother cared for him until her health began to fail and my husband and I moved them in with us. We did not live in the same town and their insurance was at a local hospital. After my dad's Alsheimers worsened, we were forced to put him in the VA nursing home. This was just devastating to my mother. My dad no longer knows her or us. My mother continued living alone for 4 years but a year ago, her Dr. had a pacemaker put in and they punctured her heart. They did not expect her to live at 82 after that, but 2 days later they poked a hole in her lung and collapsed. In spite of it all my mother survived. She was in anursing home for 100 days (all medicare paid for) and back home alone. She then went into renal failure due to high medications and back in the nursing home. We had quit our jobs in Dallas and moved to my parents small town to take care of them. Have spent 7 years struggling to make a living, and care for my parents. My brother is also in anursing home in town. I spent all last year making the rounds between the nursing homes. I am no spring chicken and neither is my husband. My health has begun to fail and I believe stress is part of it. After the last bout of illness, we have moved my mom in at night at our house. She still wants independence and so we let her go home during the day. I am going to get an alert for the house, and a scooter to help her get around. I struggle with the guilt every day for not being with her 100% of the time and daddy and my brother. My mom cries a lot which just tears me up. She insists on keeping her house and living there days. I got a nursery monitor for the nights. She is sleeping on the sofa bed. We have suggested selling both houses and buying one to fit us all but she will not let go of any of her things. I have a problem selling all my things in order to let her keep her stuff. It is such a struggle. Her health is finally improving. I just do not know what the future will bring. I am trying to give her quality of life. My dad has none. Of course he is oblivious to it anyway. Thanks for the venue of being able to at least talk about it. It is not how I pictured my end of life. My husband and I have taken out long term care insurance to try and save our children this dilemma. I love my mom and dad. They have been really good to us. I am glad to have the opportunity to be with my mom at the end of her life. My dad is just a depressing situation. I am looking for other suggestions to help my mom adjust to living with us. Regards, Ann

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by dee @ 03:45 AM April 05, 2008

dee — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:45:26 -0000

Connie:

Thanks for you response. It is appreciated.. He's been given the right to drive from his doctor. But that was his car, and we've not had an opportunity to discuss his 5th wheel. At this point, I'm just tried of agruing over everything, I'm exhausted, and just can't seem to do a thing right in his eyes. He doesn't really have "friends" or associations, and would pretty much prefer to take off by himself. We've suggested a short trip to see how he handles things, but he is going to do what he wants, and there is no stopping him so you just best get out of his way. It's been a long journey, and my natural drive is to not give up or give in, but I just do not have the energy to fight and argue any longer.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Connie Matthiessen @ 06:05 PM April 04, 2008

Connie Matthiessen — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:05:51 -0000

Hi Dee -- It sounds like you're concerned that your father could have another episode while he is driving on his own. Have you tried consulting your father's physician to find out what she or he recommends? If the physican thinks it's okay for your father to take short road trips, for example, maybe your father could be persuaded to limit himself to short getaways. You would probably also feel better if he travelled with a friend, if that is something he would agree to. If his physician does not think he should be driving at all, then it would be helpful if the physician would tell your father that directly, as he may be more willing to listen to an "expert" than to you. If he refuses to listen to either you or his doctor, and you are convinced that he poses a driving risk to himself and others, you and his physician can report him to the Department of Motor Vehicles. They will require him to come in for an evaluation, and determine whether he is safe to drive. You might find this article on elderly parents and driving helpful. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by dee @ 02:27 AM April 01, 2008

dee — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:27:35 -0000

It was interesting reading each situation. Approx 8 months ago, I left my home, family, and work to go and care for my father in another state, spending 5 months in a phsyc hospital with no medical condition, but depression. I watched him deterioriate daily, and finally decided to move him to my home state. Admitting him back into the hospital, expecting the worst, he made a 360 degree turnaround, and is now 98% back to normal, and is even driving. It's been a struggle as he gradually gets his independance back, but we've been told his condition is genetic, and could come back at anytime. He's now living in my home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Although it's been a struggle, because he wants to hop in his 5th wheel and take off traveling by himself. How do I let him go, without driving myself down with concern and worry? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, because it's turned into a constant agrument, and has really put a thorn in our relationship, which in itself is ripping my heart out.

Thanks,

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Bodhi @ 02:15 AM April 01, 2008

Bodhi — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:15:35 -0000

Kate, I heard a great talk today by Arriana Huffington of the Huffington post, and one of the things she talked about was this obnoxious 'room-mate' that lives in our head with us. The idea being that we so often second guess ourselves with our mind.... I know I do that, .... all this to say, that I'm working really hard right now to say what I really mean as directly and with as much heart as I can. So if you were concerned about Grandma, I would suggest getting to know her more directly and then asking her what she needs. Invite her for tea.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kate Rauch @ 01:34 AM April 01, 2008

Kate Rauch — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 01:34:34 -0000

I should check back with my neighbor and see how things are going. Grandma is still doing childcare, but less and less often. I've actually been thinking of asking her, the grandma, if she's interested in watching my kids now and then -- for pay. This feels terribly awkward to me because I want her to feel OK saying no, and I'm not sure if she even needs the money. Will this insult her? I was hoping it might help her have a sense of purpose, and help me. What would you guys do?

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kirby F @ 10:03 PM March 31, 2008

Kirby F — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:03:08 -0000

Gee,

I'm so glad that our groups feel like a place where you can tell it like it is. We started caring.com's groups with that intention and it's so exciting that you're making it a reality.

We all need help when going through major identity transitions, when moving, changing our role in a relationship, or having different abilities.

Let us know how we can help with your transition, even if it's just to lend an ear.

Thanks.

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Bodhi @ 03:07 AM March 31, 2008

Bodhi — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:07:58 -0000

Hi Gee, I'm not in either end of this situation myself, but something did strike me when reading these stories too... and that is a reminder that in whatever relationship we are in, being a mom, being a son, being a spouse, that we remember to do a few things that help us retain our own identity, and feed our own spirit. I was reminded of that in a story I read by Carol Odell about working on her writing as a balance to everything else in her life. I like this site too!

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by gee @ 12:13 AM March 30, 2008

gee — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 00:13:42 -0000

Reading your story, I had to go up to see the name!..I thought it was my daughter writing it before it happens. Because we are deciding wthter to get a multifamily home together - and now seems to me I'll be in your situation shortly.

I like this site. You can tell it like it is. I know I didn't help you, but you sure gave me some insight!! Thanks

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Lisa B @ 06:00 PM March 17, 2008

Lisa B — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:00:08 -0000

That's a great point, Catherine, about needing to remind grandparents as well that the grandkids they've helped care for will be growing more independent by the day. My mom has been struggling with this too as my kids get older and don't want to "hang out" with her nearly as much. At first I thought "Well, she should be prepared for this- I grew up and became independent, she's been down this road before" but I've definitely noticed the sadness that has resulted from this situation. I think it's a bit worse because my kids are both boys and as they get older they get more into video games and such that she has no knowledge or interest in. My MIL does a bit better in that she at least tries to particiapte in their new interests- my kids love when she plays the WII with them :) But my mom is a lot less confident and already has her mind made up that it would be "too complicated" for her to do.

So, not much advice but wanted to say I can definitely relate! I would also love to hear how others in that situation have dealt with it.

Lisa

Did life change when you moved your parents in? posted by Kate Rauch @ 03:55 PM March 10, 2008

Kate Rauch — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:55:10 -0000

My neighbor moved her mom from the east coast to the west coast to live with her, and her husband and two kids. At first it was a win-win. Grandma did childcare, keeping her busy and feeling needed, which also gave my neighbor and her husband a break. Then the kids became teens not needing or wanting as much care, including from their grandma. In fact, grandma is worst since she tends to worry and fuss over them. Grandma fell into a deep depression and it's been this way since. The family is at a standstill about what to do. Grandpa also developed throat cancer, deepening her depression, though her prognosis is good. She goes to the local senior center, can even walk there herself. This hasn't been enough to cheer her up.

Wow, writing this story is depressing me! Is there a moral? Kids grow up and become more independent and this healthy and normal, and we need to prepare grandparents for it, too. Especially if they're actively caring for their grandkids. Wonder how others have dealt with similar situations?

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