Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by Bell star @ 11:37 AM June 19, 2008

Bell star — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:37:59 -0000

Dear Clair,

I feel for you. In November, my mother had a particularly difficult medical illness, and we thought she needed more time to rehab before returning home with my dad. But she outright refused. She was totally beligerent. She spent one entire hospital day refusing to do anything. Refusing to talk to any family member. She convinced her doctor and all the hospital staff that she could do what she wanted. (Of couse, those other people did not see how much my father had to care for her at home - how dependent she was on him and had taken for granted that he could lift her when she didn't rise from the lift-chair. How dependent she was on my brother when she would fall and Dad could not lift her 250 pounds from the floor. How dependent she had become that she had a nurse daughter who could play case manager/pseudo doctor. How dependent she had become on other of my siblings and their immense knowledge.) Frustrated, yes!

And, her doctor refused to say that she was not of right mind to make her own medical decisions. That was the first time I'd ever heard someone say that 'we have the right to make our own decisions, even if they are the WRONG decisions.' I got it. But I didn't like it. See, we just couldn't let her have the resulting consequences of those wrong decisions. What ultimately happened in my situation was that one of my sisters interrupted her extremely committed life and came home again for a week to be with Mom and Dad. She gave me and my brother some time off. A reprieve. He and I were so mad - that time off was very needed. It gave my dad some help and someone with a different frame of reference, a little more optimistic, but also very firm with Mom.

I think the fact that our medical care had afforded people living much longer with chronic conditions - that is putting us in some tremendous dilemmas that just didn't happen much. And, in generations past, grandparents may have been living with family, rather than alone. It's a different world, so much more independence while aging. I'm hopeful that geriatric care managers will become more prominent and vocal in helping us thru these situations.

Don't be afraid to have frank discussions with your father. I would most certainly make specific plans for who will do what, now that no family lives close by. Plan out several scenarios, if this, then that. Get him transportation thru your county elderly and disabled transportation provider. They are supposed to be available everywhere. Everywhere by law. They will meet him at his door, so he needs to be able to get to the door himself or with someone else's help. He should be able to bring along one caretaker, if needed. Every county has some form or elderly case managers. Usually, a home visit is arranged, so a home assessment can be made and services then offered. Again, he can refuse, however. But with time, that may change.

Another thing I've learned over the years - we live our lives how we want to. We tend to die the way we want to, also. So no matter how you try to change him, he's going to do what he wants. It's up to you to handle your response to this and to the resulting circumstances that happen. That's the hard one when you think circumstances could be better. I welcome your continued discussion with this.

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by cece @ 10:53 PM June 14, 2008

cece — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 22:53:17 -0000

Hi Clair,

We're in almost the same boat with my 91-year-old mom, who has slight dementia but not enough to be declared incompetent. She now has an aide during the day to help with meals and the like; her physician agrees and supports the need for in-home care, and she'll listen to him to a degree. And now that she's gotten to know the aide, they get along well, but if Mom would agree to transfer to assisted living it would be a blessing and relief for our family. Mom was in the hospital last week and we tried, with her doc's encouragement, to have her transferred to a beautiful assisted living facility on a trial basis. She adamantly refused, stating "my girls (meaning my sisters and I) take good care of me."

The case manager told us that it's a free country, and sometimes that means people are free to make the wrong decisions about how to live. I can't say that I agree with him, though I see his point.

Perhaps you could begin by arranging for an aide to "drop in" a few times a week to help him out. He might be more accepting of a male aide, and you might be able to find one who could run some errands for him, prepare a few meals, and even keep an eye on his health (Is he taking his meds on schedule? Does he need a ride to the doctor's office?)

I think the biggest hurdle is getting some older folks to trust an "outsider." Meals on Wheels, at least in my community, has several different delivery people; familiarity is important to the elderly to build trust. We found our aide through a trusted neighbor. Since the aide is a friend of a family friend, Mom was much more accepting of her. Does your father belong to a church or other organization? That might be a good place to start asking around for assistance for him. You could hire through a professional agency, too, of course.

Good luck. Please know that you are not alone, and I hope that all goes well for you and your father.

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by LauraL @ 01:58 PM June 13, 2008

LauraL — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:58:46 -0000

Hi Clair,

Welcome to groups! We're so glad you've found us.

It does sound like you're having quite the time with your father. I would be very concerned, too! Have you checked with his doctor, and explained the situation to him? Your doctor's office may have some referral information that could help convince your father that he needs some assistance in some way. Has he visited any care facilities to see what is offered? I've seen so many lovely ones where the residents interact with one another and socialize and have parties, all the while having someone on hand to help take care of the business of living.

Someone else may have some better suggestions for you, and do let us know how things are going.

~Laura

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by Clair @ 03:07 PM June 12, 2008

Clair — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:07:34 -0000

My father flat refuses to move into a assisted living facility. He is 89, is not feeding himself properly and is loosing weight. His house is cluttered and where he prepares his food is filthy. We tried Meals on Wheels which really was not very good and he cancelled. He refuses a house keeper. He just wants us to leave him alone and let him live how he wishes. He is also unsteady and could fall and suffer real harm. What can we do legally. Can we force him to move? I just can't stand by and watch him slowly waste away. My brother does have power of attorney. I live 450 miles away and my brother, who has been great and taken my dad to his doctors visits etc. will be moving up by me and my dad will be all alone. He has a great neighbor who looks in on him but she and her husband purchased a motor home and are planning on doing quite a bit of traveling. I want him to move into an assisted living facility near me so that I can take over his care, but have no room to have him move into my home. He just won't budge, says he doesn't "mind" being by himself. Also he does not drive, we already had to press that point due to eyesight concerns and the fact he was just dangerous behind the wheel. Help we don't want to force the issue but cannot just sit by and watch him waste away.

Recent Posts in 'Moving parent to assisted living facility' | Caring.com

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by Bell star @ 11:37 AM June 19, 2008

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by cece @ 10:53 PM June 14, 2008

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by LauraL @ 01:58 PM June 13, 2008

Moving parent to assisted living facility posted by Clair @ 03:07 PM June 12, 2008