Remembering your mom on Mother's Day

Such a great question.   Last year I was so angry at the "Mother's Day" holiday thingy.... all the cards not to send you know...   This year, it feels still tearful as you say, but there is something new too. An appreciation and deepening of something.  One friend told me that her experience was that her mom moved from being outside of her, to being more inside.  I think I'm starting to understand this. 

I just got a flyer from the  local hospice inviting us to a candle making event.  Decorating - decopage kind of a thing, so I'm thinking about that.  My mom was big into home made ceremonies, and mandalas and I think I'll do some kind of ceremony.  Big sheet of paper, draw a circle with pencil around edges of pie pan.  Get out watercolors, and paint whatever comes to mind without editing or worrying about meaning.  Then paint another one or not.    Lets see what else, light a candle, some kind of words - reflections, conversations.  

Other suggestions welcome!

"One friend told me that her experience was that her mom moved from being outside of her, to being more inside.  I think I'm starting to understand this."  Rebecca, that was beautiful!

Dear Missy,

My mom is obcessed with thinking there is something wrong with her.  Her doctors have her on a lot of medications so sometimes seems is quite out of it.  She doesn't enjoy life and says she wouldn't mind dying.  She could have better quality of life if she wasn't so self absorbed.  Money is the most important thing to her (she has enough invested she's fine financially).  You said you were starting to understand about being inside inside of outside herself, do you have any insight for me.  I don't know how to help my mom be at peace with her life and accept rather than fight it.  I want so badly to help each day for her to be more enjoyable.

Signed,  Cathie

Hi Cathie,  That  sounds so stressful!  And it feels a bit like my relationship with my dad -  hard to see them suffering when we know it could be different. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my dad is going to live his life - his way -- no matter what I do. 

I think that was me who said that about inside/outside stuff.  I think I meant something different then what you are asking, but that doesn't really matter.  Your question is a really good one. 

Its really hard to enjoy life when you don't feel good - its just so depressing.  I do know that I feel better when I  can be distracted from myself and feel needed, or valued, or have some purpose to doing or living. 

At the end of my mom's life (she passed away last year), she was so tired and debilitated that it made it hard to do anything.  She was just dropping things out of her life.  One thing she did do, was to write her 'memoir'.  She'd been journaling for years, and put it into a more cohesive book. 

There is so much to it - so many factors and variables. I was wondering if there is anything your mom is really interested in?  Is she worried about money or is that just what she thinks about? Can she get out?  Are there things you ''need' her for?

Hi Rebecca,  Thank you so much for responding.  My mom can get out, but doesn't want to anymore. She wants to be alone and die alone.  She has been rather spiteful and disrespectful to me lately.  She calls me names and I believe it;s cause she doesn't want anyone to see her drink and medicate herself to death. I love her so much and I'm really in pain about this, but I will do my best to just accept it.  I live with her and I'll be dammed if I am going to leave her. 

I NEED FOR HER TO NOT HATE ME SO MUCH or herself.  I love her so much.

Again, thanks for your response.  CATHIE

Hi Cathie.  I'm not an expert in this department, but my dad has had drinking issues on and off for a long time.  It must be challenging to live dayin and day out with your mother in that kind of condition. I wouldn't know how to put up with it.  I think I would have a sit down with your mom's doctor and have a real heart to heart with them about the issues and concerns. 

AND, you have to realize as I'm sure you must know,  some things are not in your power to change.... especially parents .    You can't and shouldn't focus on trying to make her not hate you.  First of all, she doesn't, and secondly,  the reall issue is she can't live with herself as you've pointed out, and thirdly, its the same issue for you.... that you be able to love you.  Deep down your mother does as well, but she's too lost to be able to bring that to the surface now.  

I had an ephiphany about my dad, with the realization that I couldn't fix him.  I have to find gentle ways to find peace with him living his life, and allowing him to go when he's ready.  Its his time table not mine.  

Do you think I'm on target?   xoxo 

Hi again Rebecca,   Your wonderful insight has been so helpful.  You hit the nail right on the head.  I have started to inquire more into scriptures and getting closer to God.  This helps me to feel better inside which helps me be better with my mom.  I had the worst dream I have ever had last night and I know it was from God trying to give me insight as to what might be going on in my mom's mind.  It must be really scary to know that you are getting close to your time here on earth and I just need to be more sensitive to what she is going through.  She knows that she must have someone help her with alot of things that she has been in total control of her whole adult life and she hates having to NEED someone.  I can't ever "fix" her but I can show her all the love I have for her and help her to know thatt God is with her.

Where abouts do you live Rebecca??  I am in the San Bernardino/Riverside area of California.

Again, thank you so much.  All of you out there, thanks...  Love from, Cathie

Hey Cathie,  Been away for a few days.  I'm on the east coast. 

Another thought occured to me while reading one of the posts in the "Caring Central" Group under Dementia Aggression.  Go read it if you haven't already.  This is what struck me about it.  It sounds like your mom could be having issues with both dememtia, and an agressive behavior response that can be linked with some medications, steriods in particular.   It makes sense to see if there are patterns in her behavior that correspond to when she takes certain medications.  And you should talk to her doctor!   

Take good care!

Rebecca,  I don't know what to say.  You're a sweetheart!!!!!!!  Thank you so much.  I will certainly folow up and read about Dementia Aggression ASAP.  Mom isn't feeling too well today.  I don't think she has been taking as much pain medicine.  I know that at least for this past week she has slowed  down on her alcohol consumption.  I had the most horrid dream of my life last week and a serious attitude change on my part was the result.  I don't know what she is going through in her mind, but I do know that there is alot of confussion, loss of memory, and I don't know what else.  I just know that I love her and I want to make life for her as pleasant, safe, and happy as it can possibly be.  I don't have children so until now I have never had that "mother-instinct and worry about them" kind of love but I now know how it feels to have that mother daughter bond (in reverse).  Does that make sense?  Anyway, Rebecca,  THANKS AGAIN and you have a blessed day, okay?  God will bless you for all you've helped me.  He Blessed me with you.  Cathie

Hi Cathie,   Some time ago you asked me what I was talking about  - mom being inside vs outside .... And it wasn't really related to your question at the time, but I've been thinking about it... so thought I'd answer your original question....  When my mom died last year it was so devasting to me because I was so habituated to called her, being with her, etc.  All my daily routines were thrown apart.  I was talking to a friend of mine at the time who had lost her mom 5 or 6 years before.  She said, the pain never goes away, it just kind of changes.  And for her the experience of connecting with her mom became an internal thing over time.  The way I understand it is that my longing for my mom caused me to look around outside of myself... wishing she was in the room, or at the other end of the phone, but somewhere that I could find.  But of course I can't.  Over time, she is moving inside me.... that is that I feel a connection to her through my heart.  My husband jokes to me that when I want to 'call her on the phone', just call her on the internal phone system.   Hard to really explain, but I feel a closeness to her.  And I think we can have that same connection while alive, even when we can't talk to each other.

Hi Rebecca,  Thanks for your message.  I understand.  Mom isn't doing really good right now so I am going to cut this short, however, I did want to take the time to tell you thanks. Your words bring me great comfort.  Have a great day.  Cathie