How do you discuss death with the living? posted by LauraL @ 11:25 PM May 17, 2008

LauraL — Sat, 17 May 2008 23:25:13 -0000

Genevieve, please accept my condolences on your loss. I think you did everything just right. **HUGS**

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by Genevieve @ 05:58 PM May 16, 2008

Genevieve — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:58:47 -0000

My mother just died on May 1st at the age of 99. She was very specific about how she wanted things handled in the event of her death. My brother and I took her information and prepaid her funeral five years ago. When she died. everything was already taken care of and we were able to mourn and not have to run around trying to make final arrangements. I think being gentle with her and talking to her will help in the end because it is not easy to make decisions when your heart is heavy with mourning. Genevieve

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by Cathie @ 08:33 PM May 13, 2008

Cathie — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:33:08 -0000

Grace, I have pondered over the same subject for awhile, my opinion is MEDDLE>>>> It isn't meddling you will be so sorry if you don't talk to your mom about these things. It not only will help her but it will help you so very much at being at peace with her loss. Cathie

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by LauraL @ 01:54 PM May 13, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:54:24 -0000

Anonymous, such wonderful forward thinking! You are truly one who loves his family and wants to make things as easy as possible. My best wishes go out to you and yours.

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by Anonymous @ 07:09 PM May 12, 2008

Anonymous — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:09:33 -0000

I am a 60 year old male with a life-ending disease. It was exteremly important to me that I make my "final wishes" known to my family. Fortunately one of my sibilings is (and has been forever) my best friend. I was concerned about my wife at the time I pass. I don't want her to have the added stress of immediately being hit with a bunch of responsabilities. I sat down with the two of them. I told my bride, that I would put every detail in writing, and that my brother would make sure my wishes were followed, that he understood all that was required of him, and where all legal documents were kept, and what documents were required to be filed, with whom.

On a couple of times since, we've taken time to review my wishes. My Brother and I agree that things will be made simpiler for my wife when I pass; and she agrees. Further, I can rest knowing that the two people I love most in the world take care of things for me, and I would not be burdened at the time.

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by LauraL @ 01:36 AM February 07, 2008

LauraL — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 01:36:33 -0000

It's hard, because it's admitting that life is coming to an end, and we don't want to do that, even though we know it's important.

I was fortunate in that my dad brought it all up to us while he was in the hospital. He let us all know, so there was no argument, what his wishes were for certain things and life-prolonging techniques were a no.

Perhaps broach the subject with, "Mom, I know this is hard, and believe me, I don't want to have to talk about these things either becuase it hurts, but we know it's important that we sort out just what you'd like done and how while we're both able to."

Best wishes,

Laura

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by Kirby F @ 08:47 PM February 06, 2008

Kirby F — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 20:47:25 -0000

grace,

Here are the things that occur to me:

When you decide to bring it up, make sure you have enough time for what might come out.
It might work to start the conversation by being self-reflective, such as "Mom, I sometimes think about my own funeral and how I'd like it to be. Do you?"
Listen a lot.
You'll do this gracefully - your post shows how thoughtful you are.
I've never regretted, with enough distance, any hard conversation I've had with someone. Although, I've initially felt chaffed by some that others have started.
This is tough and you're brave to contemplating doing this.

Please - come back and tell us how wrong I was. Reality is so much more nuanced and interesting than advice.

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by Rebecca @ 04:08 PM February 05, 2008

Rebecca — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:08:03 -0000

I guess if that were me, then I would treat today like it was the last day of her life and (well it could be) and then just ask what is in your heart to ask, or to say. There is nothing like speaking the truth in my experience. I was pretty lucky with my mom in that she was very assertive about talking about the end of her life and what she wanted, and being open to hearing anything we might want to say. Not that she was always rational or objective. But I've become a big fan of 'truthfully telling'.

How do you discuss death with the living? posted by grace @ 05:27 PM February 03, 2008

grace — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 17:27:50 -0000

My mom is almost 90. She has a leaky heart valve, high blood pressure, glaucoma, but nothing that is imminently threatening her life. Four years ago, my dad was in a similar condition, and it took only four days to go from being hospitalized to being dead and gone.

I realize how fragile her life is. And I also realize that she could be with us for many more years. She lives with her 93 year old sister. Her two younger siblings are alive and healthy.

I think the thoughts of her mortality press heavily if not consciously on her mind, but really I do not know. I want to talk to her about her wishes for her last days, for her death and beyond. I want to help her reach peace with the inevitable, finish any unfinished business, and reduce any anxiety she may have about living and dying, but how?

Am I a meddling child or should I reach out?

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