How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 11:01 PM November 11, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:01:09 -0000

Hi, Rayofsun! Welcome to the site.

It sounds like things have been very hard on you, and to know your sister is going on a vacation - gosh, that would leave me feeling really down, too. I'm so glad, though, that you recognized you need help. We're also here for you whenever you need to talk something out or vent or whatever you need. (((hugs)))

How are you FEELING? posted by rayofsun @ 06:18 PM November 11, 2008

rayofsun — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:18:36 -0000

Hi, im very new to this all. I have been caring for dad since my mother died in 12/06. He has been ill since spring of 08, and then finally moved in with me in 8/08. He is 78. He has a triple bypass, aortic aneurism repair and received a new aortic valve. Things aren't going so hot for him. He has told me on more than one occasion that he just wants to die. He is tired and wants to move on.

We are now experiencing another setback with fluid buildup and very high kidney function levels.

Im the only one to take care of dad. I have a little sister in the military, she is getting ready to go on her second tour to Afghanistan. I hate not being able to do this all by myself. I hate it. BUT....I finally broke the other day and called the case manager. She talked with me for a long while, listened to my cry..... In the end, she suggested that maybe we see if we can bring Hospice aboard. It took me a long while to finally agree. Dad's dr. called last night and we talked and he said that he thinks im doing the right thing. We see the Cardiac Dr's tomorrow.

Im still waiting to see if dad get's approved, but in the end...I need help from someone. I finally, FINALLY admitted it! Of course I talked to my sister about it on the phone today and she was on her way to GA for the a 4 day vacation with a new boyfriend. Now that..................well, that's hard.

How are you FEELING? posted by A Mox @ 03:24 AM October 08, 2008

A Mox — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 03:24:53 -0000

tjl - Please understand that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you and I promise I will pray for you and your family. Treasure each moment you have left and make them memories that will comfort you when she is no longer with your family. When the time comes it will be hard on each of you and each will handle the loss in their own way. Please continue to cling to your family for support. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory that no one can steal.

How are you FEELING? posted by tjl @ 02:16 PM October 07, 2008

tjl — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:16:56 -0000

My mom is probably going to die within a week or two. She has been in a nusing home since 2004 against my wishes (she was living with me) but my 4 siblings made the call (one was poa) We fortunately got past the hurt feelings and are together with our decision to make these remaining days as comfortable as possible. Her youngest granchild (my daughter) turned 21 and wanted to have her first legal drink with her grandma. We didn't make it on that day but Sunday night we went to the nursing home with champagne glasses and fuzzy navels. My daughter will forever carry that picture of her grandma smiling and licking her lips after we toasted. Mom probably didn't imbibe more than an ounce but it was an extremely powerful moment for my daughter and me. Just to see Mom smile again is wonderful. I swear that Mom is in her own way saying goodbye to each of us. For the most part she has not spoken for a year but occassionally a word will slip out at the most appropriate time. As I cuddled with her last night and talked to her I told her that if she is waiting for my son to come she didn't have to-he is 8 hours away in a very demanding job. Each trip he has made home, he has said his peace with her. Since 2002 the five of us (her children) have alternated weekdays and weekends so that she always would eat a meal with one of us every day and very few days have been missed. We are fortunate to all live in the same city and can say goodbye to our 93 yr old mother without any feelings of guilt. It hasn't always been easy but the benefits have far outweighed the disruptions. My children, friends, colleagues and especially my teenage students have been travelling this long highway with me. My best advice to anyone about to head down this path is to not go alone and to look for the humor. Mom provided me with many tales to take to school from flushing her teeth down the toilet to hiding things in her diaper (like honey buns) to swearing like a sailor (I had NEVER heard her curse before) to saying "I love you" when I needed it the most. Please keep us in your prayers.

How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 03:48 AM October 02, 2008

LauraL — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 03:48:31 -0000

Thank you, A Mox. Your perspective helps a lot. I appreciate it. :)

How are you FEELING? posted by A Mox @ 03:17 AM October 01, 2008

A Mox — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:17:02 -0000

Laura, I don't think you can really prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. Today is 2 weeks since my father passed away and everything seems so strange. I am worried about my mom. She is as white as a piece of paper and just sits and stares off into empty space. She and my dad were married for 62 years and what a marriage it was. My dad loved my mom so much. I took her to the doctor and he said to let her grieve as long as she needs to. Like your aunt I have taken care of my mom & dad for the last three years - moving in the house with them the last three weeks like I said before. I was the one who did everything for them. She will probably take it hard like I did. I know everyone grieves in their own way. I find comfort in knowing that he is not suffering anymore and he has went home to heaven. I was right there beside him when he passed away and I could almost see the angels coming to get him. Frustrated? No, not really, I am just stressed out. There is so much to do and I still can't see an end in sight. During the 3 years I was with both of them there did come a time when I went to the doctor for my nerves. I had a hard time trying to convience him I did not need anti-depression pills. I was not depressed - just stressed! I did not for one minute mind what I was doing. There was just so much to do and no one to help me. Your aunt will probably feel like me, she will be proud that she was there for him when he needed her most. Please hang in there and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 08:54 PM September 30, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:54:51 -0000

A Mox, we are absolutely here for you. Frustrated? Let us know. Scream it all out here, and then maybe we can help point you to the right places on the site that can help you with decision making.

Best to you!

How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 08:53 PM September 30, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:53:43 -0000

Hunebe, am thinking of you! Things will sort themselves out as they do. Be positive, think positively, and know you have us here.

How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 08:26 PM September 30, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:26:39 -0000

My grandfather is dying. It could be any day, maybe a couple of weeks. While I feel pretty prepared for it, my grandmother is not. They've been married 61 years. Have had four children. Have already buried one, my father.

It's my aunt I'm worried for. When I call down there, she cries. I'm happy to be a release valve for her, but I really worry this will sink her, emotionally. The only daughter, watching daddy die. She had a hard time with my father, her big brother, passing, but this is DADDY, you know? And she's there helping, making decisions, advising, cooking, caring...I worry for her, so much.

How are you FEELING? posted by Rebecca @ 01:29 PM September 28, 2008

Rebecca — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 13:29:44 -0000

Hi A Mox, BIG HUGS to you. And prayers too!.

How are you FEELING? posted by A Mox @ 03:20 AM September 28, 2008

A Mox — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 03:20:20 -0000

My dad who was 82 just passed away less than 2 weeks ago. We learned that he had heart problems just 3 short months ago and the heart Dr. could not fix the problem because of his age. The last 3 weeks were the worst I had seen him. When the Dr. told me he was calling in Hospice, I could not believe it. I moved him and my mom to be near me 2 yrs ago so I could take care of them. Now I am wondering how the time went by so fast? I have been trying to work two jobs and take care of them. A month ago I closed up my house and moved in with them. I am the only daughter and my 3 brothers live to far away to help. My dad never let my mom handle any financial decisions so now I am overwhelmed with all the insurance, bills, funeral expenses, and everything else that is thrown at me. She can't help me because she is lost and does not know how. She is 80 and she has COPD and is not physically able to get around. I will have stay with her to care for her. My life has been on hold, but I am proud that I am able to love and care for them. I do need prayers and support, so please someone talk to me.

How are you FEELING? posted by Rebecca @ 02:44 AM September 28, 2008

Rebecca — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 02:44:34 -0000

Hey hunebe, You know what? I don't think there is a way to know how to deal with the end when it comes. What ever is going to come is going to come and you can't really change it. All you can do is sit with it all as best as you can, and allow yourself to feel the pain, the stress, the discomfort, and just sit with it even though there is the incredible urge to want to do something, and the anger because you are completely helpless. Are you close to your dad? I know I had to say stuff to my mom before she went, and one of those things was "Im going to miss you so much".

How are you FEELING? posted by hunebe @ 02:22 AM September 28, 2008

hunebe — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 02:22:03 -0000

New to the posting of my distress. I have a job, friends, support. But the end of life for my dad stress is so huge, I have no real reliefI am not going to know how to deal with the end or the after. All the other arrangements are made, brother and sister are angry with me and I am really alone.

How are you FEELING? posted by Rebecca @ 02:42 PM September 25, 2008

Rebecca — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:42:28 -0000

Hi Cherub,

I know it is so hard. Its been over a year, and I still miss my mom a lot - she was just 75, and mentally so together. But her body had just been through so much and one thing after another.

The emotional roller coaster at the hospital was hard. I remember one day that my step dad and I were sitting at the breakfast table talking before heading to the hospital and looked at each other and said this is it.... she's going.... and we just broke into tears. We scraped ourselves together and went to the ICU and a couple of hours later the docs came in and said "she can go home. She's fine". Say what? Well she wasn't really, but we did go home in a couple days, and then like 2 days later she was back in ICU again, and passed about a week later. One thing that I did was that in my spiritual tradition, we have a prayer that we say everyday for 49 days. It sends good blessings to the deceased person on their journey, and gives us some little thing to do that feels like we can still help them.

I'd suggest an in-person bereavement group. Most hospices and/or local hospitals offer them. Generally you don't have to have used the hospice to join one of their groups. You could use the local services part of caring.com to find local hospices and then just call and ask to talk to one of the social workers.

So cherub, how was it for you with your mom?

How are you FEELING? posted by cherub @ 02:24 PM September 23, 2008

cherub — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:24:20 -0000

As I stated above, I'm new to this site and happy to have found it. My mom passed on August 10, it was the saddest day of my life. My life will never be the same, ever! Mom lived with me for many years, she watched my kids who are 8, 4 1/2 and 2 just for a few hours a day but it helped us and she loved it. Her grandkids were her life, they kept her going. She was in the hospital for almost 1 month to the day before we were informed there wasn't anything else they could do for her...... I spent EVERY day and most nights there with her. I am her only daughter and I have only 1 brother who is 10 years older than I am. My mom was only 71, she would be 72 on Christmas Eve. I have never had anyone close to me pass. I am truly devastated. People keep telling me there are no words for losing your mom, how true that is. Yes I know she is in a better place with our Lord BUT I want to hold her hand again and talk with her, I haven't talked with her 1 1/2 months and that is painful. Since she lived with me, I haven't touched her room, except wash a couple of towels that she had dirtied but I go in her room daily and grab her pillows, squeeze them and cry, cry cry. My 3 small children don't say anything, they just come up to me and hug me. They miss her too, but not like I do. After all that time in the hospital and all that she went through I just knew she'd recover, but she didn't. I have to say I'm still a little angry at God, I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. There is such a hole in my life that will never be filled. It still doesn't feel real, I feel like its happened to someone else. I'm searching for a grief support group, the only thing I find online is for hospice.

How are you FEELING? posted by cherub @ 01:49 PM September 23, 2008

cherub — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:49:57 -0000

Hey Full of Grief, just wondering how things are for you now? I'm new to this site, due to my mom passing. I'll send out a message about that shortly but your blog caught my eye and I pray that things are better for you.

How are you FEELING? posted by Rebecca @ 01:43 AM June 21, 2008

Rebecca — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:43:26 -0000

Hey Full of Grief! Good prayers are being sent your way!

Here's my 2 cents on feeding tubes. If your mom does not want one take it out.

I know this is so hard for you. Just try to stay with it all, and know that this will not go on for long. Whatever time you have with your mom now is a blessing even if its hard. Tell her you understand. Big heart

How are you FEELING? posted by full of greif @ 11:48 PM June 20, 2008

full of greif — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:48:29 -0000

I forgot to tell you, they put a feeding tube in my mom. Some say it's okay and some say it's not okay. She doesn't eat anymore and you can hardly understand what she says. It's so sad and hard for me. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you.

How are you FEELING? posted by full of greif @ 11:46 PM June 20, 2008

full of greif — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:46:15 -0000

Hello,

This is full of grief. I hope I'm posting at the right place. Just wanted to thank all of you for your support. My mom is back at the nursing home now. I have not seen her in a couple of days. I'm going tomorrow. I'm still worried and frightened, but I must go and check on her and spend some time with her. I love my mom so much, it's so hard seeing her in this condition. My brother has stopped coming to see her. He say's he can't take it anymore. It's tearing him up inside. So I just let it be and go on my own. My son has been a big help to me in this transition. But it is still difficult. Again, thank all of you for listening to me and all the support you have given me. Keep us in your prayers. God Bless

How are you FEELING? posted by JohnB @ 05:04 PM June 20, 2008

JohnB — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:04:59 -0000

Rebecca, Thanks so much for your reply-I try to take all of this one step at a time-Can be a bit overwhelming ..would love to keep communicating on this chat board. Lets keep talking -Always feel better sharing with people-Best-JB

How are you FEELING? posted by Rebecca @ 04:56 PM June 20, 2008

Rebecca — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:56:43 -0000

Hi JohnB, Just wanted to add my welcome too! Lost my mom last year, and now trying to manage the trials and tribulations of dad and driving, and stubbornness and all that. cheers

How are you FEELING? posted by JohnB @ 01:16 PM June 19, 2008

JohnB — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:16:12 -0000

Laural--Thank you for your reply..I hope to be able to offer support and words of encouragement to all the caregivers here. I have read your stories and am moved by all your strength and courage to do the right thing and make the correct choices. Please know that I have strong feelings of support for your day to day hardships and am here to talk and share my words if needed. Kindest Wishes JohnB

How are you FEELING? posted by Bell star @ 10:44 AM June 19, 2008

Bell star — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:44:28 -0000

Dear Full of Grief,

I am so sorry for you and your mother. You are carrying a tremendous burden on your shoulders. Sometimes it helps to try to think of things from a slightly different perspective. For instance, back in March, had your mother stayed at home and still fallen there. What would have happened then? By virtue of being at your home, you were able to find her. That is why God had you bring her with you. Remember that God is guiding us in ALL our decisions. Thank God you WERE able to find her and get help promptly. Despite all the resulting pain and suffering since then, you have had more time together, if nothing else.

How are you and your mother doing now? I sincerely hope she is in a better place by now. I recently had another health scare with my own mother. The fear of her gradually losing more of her mind and abilitye to function independently grieves me. As well, seeing such a strong and able woman gradually becoming less and less like herself saddens me and my father and family. It only makes her eventual death feel that much closer, despite her living with my dad at home. It's just hard to watch someone slowly (or maybe, quickly, as in your case) deteriorate into someone you know they would never want to become. Thankfully, I know that God guides us to do what he wants for her.

One thing I find hard to deal with, is that with today's medical technology I wonder when enough is enough. Am I putting my mom through unnecessary suffering by getting her through one more infection or one more illness? Is this just buying us more time, not her? She seems to rally and make it through one more time. But she is not herself during these times, since she gets confused and has lapses of memory of most of the period of days or even weeks. We have had the hard end-of-life discussions, but this type of stuff may or may not apply to those decisions. It's just the gradual chipping away of who I know my mother to be -- that's the doubt. And one brother and I live close by, while the other multitude of siblings live far away. So I fear we will decide something, along with our father, that may eventually result in disagreement among my siblings and long term anger about my mother. Fortunately, again, I look to God for guidance and relief that he is guiding our decisions for the best for our mother's. I was told so many years ago that "guilt is a wasted emotion," and I use that to relieve my own heart. It helps to talk, and to write in places even as anonymously as this.

How are you FEELING? posted by LauraL @ 10:31 PM June 18, 2008

LauraL — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 22:31:17 -0000

Hello JohnB, and welcome! So glad you're found us. You're right - trust in yourself is important. We're glad to have you here to help share your experiences and offer a shoulder!

How are you FEELING? posted by JohnB @ 06:33 PM June 18, 2008

JohnB — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:33:07 -0000

Hello all here..I am just beginning to become more involved with caregiving for my Mom and Dad..I do have other family help but I just wanted to introduce myself and share...I will try to keep up with this board ..I do know that we are all a lot stronger than we think we are....Trust in yourself and you will do the right thing..I look forward to talking with you and supporting each other as we continue to care for our loved ones..Kindest Wishes-JohnB

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