Burying special items with our parent. posted by Rebecca @ 07:37 PM February 15, 2008

Rebecca — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:37:52 -0000

Hey you made a really really important point... about taking the feelings and thought of everyone into account.

It became instantly clear to me when mom was ill, that it was me jumping on the plane, and when she was gone, it was me calling everyone, and when it was time to organize and plan, it was me again. (I don't mean this like a burden, but it was like I was now replacement for mom somehow. ) Organizing food, and schedules, and cooking and everything... It wasn't really my time for digesting and mourning. (I've been the 9 months sense doing that part.) I mean maybe its just me, but I had to create a space for everyone else.

Its like weddings, in truth, they are not for the couple getting married but for their parents... (now I really have to get back to work.... but such an interesting and consuming conversation.)

Burying special items with our parent. posted by LauraL @ 07:23 PM February 15, 2008

LauraL — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:23:41 -0000

Wow, again, blown away!

What I really liked about this idea, and the one for the second memorial, was that the feelings and thoughts of those in mourning were really considered as well. They had a chance to say and do something positive and uplifting in a time of crisis and sadness. Such beauty in the written word.

Well done. :)

Burying special items with our parent. posted by Rebecca @ 07:17 PM February 15, 2008

Rebecca — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:17:59 -0000

Yeah LauraL, it felt really good and people really got into it.

You know, you go into the funeral home - which is morbid to start wtih, and then they show you all these things that you should buy to do your parent justice and honor and there is this subtile pressure to do more (man I need a spell checker in here.... :>)) and it was so nice to already have mom's wishes nailed down.

Because of scheduling, we ended up doing 2 memorials, and a lot of people at the second one wanted to send messages and notes off too... so we got huge pieces of poster paper and let people wander off with them to write on. Then we burned up the whole thing and added it to the cremation ashes. IT was very powerful and moving for everyone.

Burying special items with our parent. posted by LauraL @ 07:02 PM February 15, 2008

LauraL — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:02:58 -0000

Rebecca, that is a very cool way to handle things. What a wonderful way to send messages right along! I think that even in death, folks deserve a bit of creativity, and this really fit that bill.

I'm still shaking my head in wonder. What a really, really neat idea.

Burying special items with our parent. posted by Kate Rauch @ 04:25 PM February 15, 2008

Kate Rauch — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 16:25:30 -0000

I continue to find these tales fascinating.... Your story about writing messages on your mom's casket was so cool, Rebecca, I told it to my kids last night. They were a little grossed out, but I hope I planted a creative seed. Wouldn't mind this kind of send-off myself.

Makes me wonder if any religions out there have taboos about these kinds of things. Does anyone know?

Burying special items with our parent. posted by Rebecca @ 01:35 AM February 15, 2008

Rebecca — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 01:35:22 -0000

When my mom died last year we did a kinda neat thing... She wanted to be cremated with a simple card board box. She was very much into as simple as possible. But we upgraded to a pine box. :>) Then at the service we got a bunch of colored markers and invited everyone to come up and write wishes and send offs or whatever else they wanted on the box. Prayers, flowers, whatever.

My step-dad wanted to keep the ring and did.

Then we played some sad music and then all processed out to the cremation room. They opened the door and slide her box in while we played St. James Infirmary Blues... kind of the New Orleans tradition of sad music going to the funeral because they are gone and we miss them, but then happy music coming back because they are in a better place now.

I'd never been to a service where you actually went to the cremation room, and it felt a bit shocking to me. But then I really appreciated it because somehow it made it more real that she was really gone.

Burying special items with our parent. posted by Kate Rauch @ 11:47 PM February 13, 2008

Kate Rauch — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:47:01 -0000

Yes, with my mom us kids chose some special pieces of her jewelry to throw in the casket, as it were. (Since she was cremated there wasn't a casket, but it felt this way). These weren't pieces of us, but making this decision felt personal -- there was a connection. I love the photo idea.

Burying special items with our parent. posted by LauraL @ 09:57 PM February 13, 2008

LauraL — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:57:40 -0000

It was really persona; it seemed rather like the Egyptians, leaving the objects in the tombs to help the soul on the way. So he could take us with him, as it were, or that we were sending pieces of ourselves along, too. It really was a comfort.

Burying special items with our parent. posted by catherine @ 03:21 AM February 13, 2008

catherine — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:21:44 -0000

Wow Laura, so we have a theme with the wedding ring. I remember how good I felt about this decision with my mom. I like your photo story; this feels really personal, with humor. Very touching.

I wonder what other burial rituals us modern day folks have?

Burying special items with our parent. posted by LauraL @ 09:07 PM February 12, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:07:26 -0000

My father I believe was cremated with his wedding ring, and we were told that anything else we might want to include, could be.

In the end we included a picture of his truck with my sister and I standing outside in on this crazy trip we had taken as a "short cut" and we got utterly lost. It's a family memory. There were other photographs as well.

I think that whatever works best for the family is the way to go. Now, if someone had wanted the ring and everyone else wanted it to go with mom, then there would have been some difficulties. :(

Burying special items with our parent. posted by catherine @ 08:22 PM February 12, 2008

catherine — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:22:29 -0000

This may sound morbid but, when my mom died we were asked by the funeral home what we wanted to do with her wedding ring. A quick survey among us three kids, and our dad, and we agreed to have it cremated and buried with her, finding peace in this.

Anyone else been in this boat, and how did you handle it?

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