What a mess... posted by LauraL @ 04:04 AM October 02, 2008

LauraL — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:04:16 -0000

It's always easy to criticize from the recliner. *G* You do what you feel is best, since you're the one with the responsibility. I'm sorry your sister will miss out on family due to her attitude.

What a mess... posted by Marla @ 10:20 PM October 01, 2008

Marla — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:20:19 -0000

Hi again,

I guess I can't make a reasonable opinion about spending the $5k to bring the car up. That's up to you. You know what it's worth on the market (ie selling it easily in FL) vs getting it to you and pleasing your mom. And you know what? Consider that a gift to yourself. You are doing all the work and sacrifice; why not have a small reward? And don't spend a moment second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty.

One thing I've heard (and probably you, too) over and over again is how quickly family members show their true colors when a situation like this arises! It's an epidemic! Greed and control.

Have fun with the car!

What a mess... posted by msnovtue @ 08:58 PM October 01, 2008

msnovtue — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:58:12 -0000

Thank you for the replies. And I frequently do end up just ignoring my sister. As I keep telling my mom, I have neither the patience, energy, or inclination to deal with her immature self (She's 40, BTW.) I just wonder if I'm not setting myself up for trouble in the long run.

Actually, I already have the POA-- I think that's part of the reason my sister's being such a PITA. We had WW III over it last Christmas. My sister seemed to think that 1) she should have it, despite being unwilling to help up to that point and being on the opposite side of the country, and 2) that all a POA involves was managing mom's money. While I'm not technically an attorney (never admitted to the Bar), I did go to law school. I kept urging her to talk to a lawyer before she considered it. She (of course) ignored me, instead only talking about Mom's money.

Maybe it's just me, but that both irritated me and worried me. I finally got mad enough I told her to go find out what a POA actually was, then get back to me. She of course now acts the injured party-- Mom and I are in cahoots to keep her out of the family, I'm spending/wasting all Mom's money, etc.

The latest row concerns a car-- My mom still has her house in FL & everything in it, including two cars. One is my (late) Dad's "baby"-- a pristine 20 yr old Mercedes sedan. I've arranged to bring it up here, so that I don't have to keep putting wear & tear on my own 8-yr old Honda. The car is staying in Mom's name, it will largely only be driven for her, etc., but my sister claims I'm blowing Mom's money to bring it up here.

So far, I think Mom's in pretty good financial shape-- yes, even now. And I know that a good 99% of the time, she is utterly miserable. She loves that car, and is sad she doesn't get to drive it anymore. It's costing her about $5000 to bring it north & catch up on the maintenance-- after that, I will be paying all the bills on it. I will get to drive it some for my own purposes, but honestly, it costs too much to drive every day. Also, it's a bigger car, and it'll be easier to get Mom's walker (and a wheel chair when needed) it it than my dinky Civic.

So am I being selfish & wasting money? I don't think so, but I'm biased. And I'm not going to lie and say I'm not looking forward to driving it. But it will be another expense for me in the long run.

Of course, when Sis found out, she had a fit, and now she's got me second-guessing myself. Personally, I see no problem with spending some of Mom's money for something that's useful, but will also make her a little happier. That, and the car doesn't just sit in FL, rotting away and loosing value.

Any thoughts? I relly don't think I'm in the wrong here, but I don't know.....

What a mess... posted by Marla @ 07:48 PM October 01, 2008

Marla — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 19:48:41 -0000

Hi,

Tell your family to go to hell. Seriously. They are secretly quite happy you are there to do it all, so they don't have to. They'll never be helpful or grateful, only critical and unsupportive. If it makes you feel better, which is the #1 priority here, then screw 'em. I have been dealing with the same exact stuff for 2 years, so my opinion is from experience; and I bet there are a hundred others reading this who would agree.

Also, get Durable Power of Attorney of your mom. You can print one from the Internet or go to a Staples or Office Depot or whatever. Make sure you get one that has an addendum in it that addresses her medical needs as well. Have your mom sign with a witness from the home she's at and have it notarized. If she's mentally or physically unable, talk with her doctor and ask them how to be her POA with their help. That way, you are in charge of her financial and medical decisions.

Sorry to be so blunt re: your family, but exhausting yourself physically and emotionally by coddling them only hurts YOU.

Keep your spirits up and keep in touch.

What a mess... posted by Missy @ 01:27 AM September 30, 2008

Missy — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:27:28 -0000

Hello there! I'm really glad you found us. This is definitely a good place to vent. You're among folks who understand!

I think you have every right to be upset and frustrated. It's hard to feel like nobody wants to take any responsibility, but wants to criticize someone who did. It's not fair! Though keep one thing in mind. While it may not seem like it, everyone very likely has your mom's best interest at heart. Everyone is upset with each other because they love her.

Have you ever thought about going to a support group for caregivers? Some people are really open to such a suggestion and others are more reluctant. If you're in the latter category, I want to assure you that just listening to others may help out in helping you understand there are others out there in the same situation and they may even have some good tips for dealing with things.

Please keep us updated. I'll be thinking about you!

What a mess... posted by msnovtue @ 04:55 PM September 29, 2008

msnovtue — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:55:01 -0000

I'm so glad I've found this place-- I hope I can get some help with my own situation...

About a year and a half ago, I had to very suddenly move my Mom from Fl back here to IN, and eventually put her in a an assissted living facility. She has advanced Parkinson's, and I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing everything myself, and feel like I'm working myself to the bone-- but no one else seems to agree, or to think that I'm doing anything right.

My sister effectively dumped the situation in my lap, yet critizies every decision I make. She can't be bothered to keep in touch with me, to find out how mom's doing, but when she does find something out, she immediately has a fit about it. She thinks I'm going to waste all Mom's money because I don't skimp and save every last penny. Yet she's only visited Mom once since this all began, and has done nothing to help in any way.

Am I wrong to say the heck with her? I have enough trouble trying to keep up with mom. I'm still trying to get all her finances organized after a year and a half. My sis thinks I'm being lazy-- but she doesn't realize that 1) there are a small ton of documents to be signed, and I'm lucky to get mom to sign 1 when I see her, and 2) I just can't make it to visit mom any more often than every other weekend. I'm single, live by myself, and have a house and several pets to take care of. My sister makes me feel like I'm screwing up everything, but I get so mad at her for not only not doing anything to help, but also being completely out of touch with how things really are. I want to just ignore her altogether, but I'm not sure I can....