Taking care of Dad posted by Barbara Feldman @ 11:36 PM October 02, 2008

Barbara Feldman — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:36:25 -0000

Hi Maria,

You're right about coming here to talk and share. I've only just started to try this and it feels better knowing there are people out there going through the same things I am.

Thanks for sharing!

Taking care of Dad posted by Marla @ 08:00 PM October 01, 2008

Marla — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:00:39 -0000

Hi folks,

I've mentioned this in another posting, and it may be helpful here, too. I live in Seattle and found a Senior Center who provides group sessions for adult children dealing with elderly, dying parents. This includes us who have our parents in our homes or those who's parents are in ALFs. You may look around your town for these gatherings, or start one of your own! Just TALKING with those who know what it's like is very cathartic. I guess that's why we all sit here and typetypetype.

Taking care of Dad posted by Barbara Feldman @ 12:32 PM September 28, 2008

Barbara Feldman — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 12:32:18 -0000

April and Sensei,

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I appreciate knowing that there are people out there who can relate!

April, my husband was much more involved in the beginning. But as my mom got sicker and my dad got more physically involved, he pulled away. I truly understand his feelings about being with my dad now. Yet, he is extremely supportive of me. He will do anything for me as long as he doesn't have to spend much time with dad. I get it though. My dad makes a mess when he eats. He drools some. He is very messy. It's hard to watch even for me. But I take your suggestion of asking him to drop things off or run a quick errand as a great idea. I will definitely try that!

I think it's a little different for men vs. women in terms of making friends. My dad was never terribly outgoing and making friends at 91 years old isn't easy for him. He does have 24/7 aides with him in addition to being in the assisted living "hotel" as he calls it. That helps me (and him) a greeat deal. I have the most trouble with his crying and feel so badly about what his life is like. He has Lewy Body dementia. (I forgot to mention this) and he has horrible hallucinations regularly. Apparently there isn't any medication to help this, sadly. But, like this morning, at 5:45 AM, he called to tell me he just got back from the dungeon that he was taken to and now he was home safe. Hard to deal with that!!

I feel like I'm rambling, but this is the first time I've been able to share with people in the same situation.

Thanks for listening!

Taking care of Dad posted by sensei258 @ 11:31 PM September 27, 2008

sensei258 — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 23:31:08 -0000

Dear "Anonymous",

I have years of experience as a nursing assistant and Social Services worker in nursing homes. I see some helpful replies posted here. But, nobody has said what I will. There will come a time when you are no longer able to care for your father properly. You are the person who decides when that is. At that point, when you decide to hire caregivers, or to place your father in a care facility (and there are different levels of care) please don't feel guilty about it. Do the right thing for your father and for yourself.

Taking care of Dad posted by April @ 10:26 PM September 27, 2008

April — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 22:26:34 -0000

Barbara

I was just responding to jean8 on the problems of taking a vacation when you're the primary caregiver and happened to see your recent posting. It really grabbed me because it is so similar to the problems I've experienced with both my 95 year old mom and the problems related to my deceased father's illness and caregiving issues.

I'd like to share some of my experiences in the hopes that it will help you avoid some of the really big mistakes I've made as a caregiver. And, I apologize in advance for offering too much unsolicited advice, but I've had so much experience with this over the last 10 years of caregiving that I can't help myself.

Big mistake number one for me was not involving my husband of many years in the caregiving for my parents. I assumed all the responsibilities and tried to spare him from having to be involved out of concern for his wellbeing and the feeling that these were my parents so I should shoulder the responsibilities (we were both employed in high stress jobs when this all began). I think this approach may be something we women do instinctively, but in retrospect I believe it was wrong. When we don't share the caregiving responsibilities with our spouses, we are closing off what is a major portion of our lives from their involvement and support. Then, it becomes easy for them to come to resent the fact that so much of our energy and attention is focused on something that they're really not a part of. And, even though it was our decision to spare them the difficulties of caregiving, we can come to resent the fact that they're doing nothing to help at a time in our lives when we are in great need of help from the people who love us.

This really is crisis time for your entire family, not just for you as your father's daughter. Everything you have to suffer through is impacting everything in your family's life whether they're helping you out or not . My experience was that If you try to go it alone, distance and resentments will develop between you and your spouse and the normal difficulties of marriage will be exacerbated at a time when you'll be too overwhelmed to deal with them.

My advice is to begin finding ways to include your spouse (and your children) in the day to day caregiving responsbilities. Could your husband visit with your father once a week to watch a sporting event on TV, to have lunch with him, to take the kids by for a brief visit or to drop off items you normally shop for and take to your father, could he shop for those items? If the kids drive, could they stop by on their own to see their grandad? I've found that my mom, who has been in assisted living for the last few years, is happy with brief visits as long as she knows I'll be coming by regularly.

Like you, I spent a lot of time with my mom when she first moved to assisted living because I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to make new acquaintences easily in that environment. After a few months, I gradually cut back on the visits and was pleased to see she developed friendships with the people she dined with every day and some of the staff at her facility. I know its hard to let go, but sometimes we need to step aside so our parents can begin to acclimate themselves to what is going to be the new normal for the rest of their lives.

Hope this helps in some way.

Taking care of Dad posted by Barbara Feldman @ 08:33 PM September 27, 2008

Barbara Feldman — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 20:33:50 -0000

My mom died almost 3 months ago, rather suddenly. My parents were living in Manhattan and I was going in every weekend from Connecticut. It was stressful and my husband came with me at first but eventually begged off the every weekend visit. It put a lot of stress on me especially since I also work full time and have two teenagers at home. But then mom died and my dad wanted to move closer to me so we were able to get him into an assisted living place just 5 minutes from my house. I thought that would ease the stress on me. I was so surprised when I found out that that wasn;t the case at all. I go see him everyday. I often sit with him through his meals even though he eats with some other residents. I get calls from him from 5 AM to any time at night. He cries and sounds so lost and sad. It breaks my heart. But now I have no time for myself or my family. It is so difficult. I love him dearly and he deserves all my attebtion. How do I cope with being pulled in so many ways and giving him the love and support he needs? Help!!

Taking care of Dad posted by Missy @ 01:19 AM September 03, 2008

Missy — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:19:41 -0000

Hey there! Welcome to our community. I'm glad you found us and I'm hopeful you'll find some great people to connect with!

You know, the first thing that came to my mind while reading your post is your dad's safety. dementia, possible Alzheimer's and drinking makes a terrible combination for driving, no matter how little. But I know that's not why you posted. I just couldn't resist mentioning it, even though he may be perfectly fine to drive.

It definitely is tough trying to balance everything. That situation leaves little time or energy for your own sanity, know what I mean? When my dad isn't well, I feel like I bounce between work, my family and him, lather, rinse, repeat over and over again. It exhausts me!

Taking care of Dad posted by Anonymous @ 02:42 PM September 02, 2008

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:42:09 -0000

My Dad is now 80 years old. My husband and moved back to the Midwest to be closer to both of our Dads and to help them out as they get older. My Mom passed away 10 years ago, and Dad has been a challenge ever since. He now has dementia and some symptoms of Alzheimer's. He confuses easily; he only drives in town now; I take him to his appointments out of town. He wants me to come and see him whenever I have free time which is every weekend. He drinks too much so it's difficult to be around him very long because he becomes verbally abusive and I'm tired of putting my husband through that. He has a female "friend" that he's known for quite a while, but the friend is more frail than he is. It's a struggle to balance home, work and family, but we're managing. I do what I can for Dad, but a support group or someone who is in the same boat to talk to sure would be nice.

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