Barbara
I was just responding to jean8 on the problems of taking a vacation when you're the primary caregiver and happened to see your recent posting. It really grabbed me because it is so similar to the problems I've experienced with both my 95 year old mom and the problems related to my deceased father's illness and caregiving issues.
I'd like to share some of my experiences in the hopes that it will help you avoid some of the really big mistakes I've made as a caregiver. And, I apologize in advance for offering too much unsolicited advice, but I've had so much experience with this over the last 10 years of caregiving that I can't help myself.
Big mistake number one for me was not involving my husband of many years in the caregiving for my parents. I assumed all the responsibilities and tried to spare him from having to be involved out of concern for his wellbeing and the feeling that these were my parents so I should shoulder the responsibilities (we were both employed in high stress jobs when this all began). I think this approach may be something we women do instinctively, but in retrospect I believe it was wrong. When we don't share the caregiving responsibilities with our spouses, we are closing off what is a major portion of our lives from their involvement and support. Then, it becomes easy for them to come to resent the fact that so much of our energy and attention is focused on something that they're really not a part of. And, even though it was our decision to spare them the difficulties of caregiving, we can come to resent the fact that they're doing nothing to help at a time in our lives when we are in great need of help from the people who love us.
This really is crisis time for your entire family, not just for you as your father's daughter. Everything you have to suffer through is impacting everything in your family's life whether they're helping you out or not . My experience was that If you try to go it alone, distance and resentments will develop between you and your spouse and the normal difficulties of marriage will be exacerbated at a time when you'll be too overwhelmed to deal with them.
My advice is to begin finding ways to include your spouse (and your children) in the day to day caregiving responsbilities. Could your husband visit with your father once a week to watch a sporting event on TV, to have lunch with him, to take the kids by for a brief visit or to drop off items you normally shop for and take to your father, could he shop for those items? If the kids drive, could they stop by on their own to see their grandad? I've found that my mom, who has been in assisted living for the last few years, is happy with brief visits as long as she knows I'll be coming by regularly.
Like you, I spent a lot of time with my mom when she first moved to assisted living because I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to make new acquaintences easily in that environment. After a few months, I gradually cut back on the visits and was pleased to see she developed friendships with the people she dined with every day and some of the staff at her facility. I know its hard to let go, but sometimes we need to step aside so our parents can begin to acclimate themselves to what is going to be the new normal for the rest of their lives.
Hope this helps in some way.
