Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?

Hi Missy,

A friend of mine was talking just last night and facing this situation with her mom who has dementia. She feels disloyal, but isn't sure her mom remembers the promise she wouldn't do this.

I think in this situation you need to keep repeating to yourself that there's a "greater good" than a verbal agreement. And this is your grandmother's well being.

Some things trump honesty in life --- health, safety and well being.

I wonder if anyone out there has had to use legal measures to force their parent or loved one into a facility?

Now this would be tough. But it happens. Any (painful, I'm sure) tales along these lines?

Listen.........It just doesn't matter anymore what you promised in the past!  That was then & this is now! My mother always said......"I NEVER want to go to a nursing home." Who ever said they DID want to(My question mark key is broken) Even if she does recall saying that (& does she...q.m.)....the fact is that now she needs it! No matter how sad it is (and it is VERY sad).....you need to do the right thing for her care & your mental health. Of course, putting her in a facility opens a whole new GIANT can of worms......it's still what you need to do.  Do not feel guilty!!!!!! We are all doing the best we can in a sad, hard situation. Hope this helps!

About the legal issues..........My sister & I got power of attorney, health care p.o.a. &. directives......everything we need to manage Mom's life......since she is not able to anymore. We did not have to do anything legal to move her to an ALF.......she wasn't in any shape to make her own decisions by then......but SINCE then....our legal powers have helped greatly........making decisions...paying for them....etc. .......if your parent is still "with it"...it is MUCH harder for them to agree to give up control of their money matters, driving, etc.....................but, it still needs to happen for their own good. After my Dad died of cancer, my Mom pretty much just gave up & didn't have any fight left in her to object much......which made it easier for us. Hope this helped!

I agree it's not an easy decision but a necessary one.  My mother-in-law moved in with us 13 years ago, she was 80.  She is 93 now and in an assisted living facility for the past year..  When we saw signs of confusion and at risk for hurting herself, we started looking.  It is a lot easier to look when you can think clearly, then when it "has" to be done.  Go visit facilities that are close to your home, stop in at all hours, even in the middle of the night.  Some facilities have residence that can go outside and sit, visit with them for a while, they are a good source of information.  Get to know some of the aides, remember even though they will be living there, if you are not confortable, then they won't be either.  A suggestion was made that we tell her the doctor insisted she live in an assisted living because of her safety and the fact that the family could no longer provide the level care needed.  But also assure them that because they won't be living at home, that you are still close and will visit them.  The facility Grammy is in was the best decision we made.  Sure she was mad at first; but she got over it once she started talking with the other ladies.  I pick her up occassionaly and take her to the mall or park to walk around.  Again, it's hard, but there is only so much a family can do at home, and it's for their safety especially once they are up all night and wondering.  Work with the facility, on suggestions on how to handle different situations that come up, they are used to dealing with it on a daily basis, and are a good support for the family.  Best wishes to anyone who has to make these decisions, but know that in a long run, it's the best thing to do.

 My 86 yr old mom has been living with us for over 7 years.  Before moving in with us, she was planning to move to a retirement community, because she didn't want to be a burden on her kids. Now she doesn't remember that, and believes that we should take care of her for life.  The first years were great, but this last year or so I've started having problems.  I feel like I have no privacy, I avoid spending unnecessary time with her and I'm dealing with clinical depression.  My husband (bless him) is fine with her being here as long as I can be her "daughter" and not her "caretaker".  However, hiring and overseeing caretakers brings on a whole new barrel of problems when mom & I don't agree on what care she needs.  I had hoped that over time Mom would see that moving to assisted living situation would be best, but although she has done some temporary stays while we travel, she absolutely does not want to move.  Do I just need to get an attitude adjustment, or tell mom I need her to move?

Hi Susie,

I wonder if something like adult day care would work for your mom.  That would give you a set number of hours a day that mom would be out of your hair.  And I say that with the utmost respect for you both.  But I know with my children (completely different, I know) if I don't get time to just hear my thoughts and lay on the couch I go nuts after awhile!  I need that time, even if it's just for an hour or two. 

The above are all right, they won't remember your promise and even though they are getting very forgetful, they still want to be indepent.  I would find a place you are confortable with and make the move.   Talk about your concerns with the people that work there, they will be your best support from the start and through out the time your Mom is there.   Decorate her room like she was at home, put lots of old pictures.  Be sure to put chairs for visitors, that helps a lot also.  Best wishes to you, it's a big relieve to have someone else helping care for them.  You will still be a big part of her care, but it's nice to have help and have the comfort that they are in a safe place with people that really do care for them.

Been there...done that.  My 90 yr old mom has dementia..... 

You have to do the best you can..both for you and your mom.  My Mother said she wanted to live in her house as long as she could..  At age 90, she feel, the doctors said she could not leave alone, when she went into rehab, it was awful, she refused to get out of the car, etc.   She adjusted in a short period, now she is in assisted living.  She is okay..not necessaryily thrilled ...says she wante to live in her home a long as she could......we tell her she did and now this is what we have to do.

I agree with chap1716..make her room homely, with her stuff.

reread RENA - she is right, that was then - this is now

good luck...do NOT fell guilty

Mom always made me promise never to put her in a 'home'. Five weeks ago I broke that promise and she is now living in a memory care assisted living facility. Sometimes I feel guilty about this but everyone has told me that I made the right decision. Mom has dementia and can no longer care for herself. I was trying to work full time and care for her at night and I did it for 3 years but as her needs increased I could no longer do it. It's a tough decision to hand over the torch. And once you do, caregiving doesn't stop, it just changes.