Parents had me "late" in life.

Hi OSWANGO,

Welcome to Caring's groups.  I'm glad you found us and posted!

I'm so sorry your mom isn't doing well.  Does she live far from you?

Here's my advice.  I would do everything you can to go and see your mom.  Trust me, I know getting away from a professional life for even a few days, especially, when you have your own business, is difficult.  But perhaps she's having some of the same guilt issues you feel and wants to work things out or spend some good solid time together.  It sounds like she's going through a tough time and is really craving some time with you.  If making the trip isn't a possibility, is there maybe any way she can come to you for a few days? 

If is issue of homosexuality comes up, maybe you can say something like, "I understand you're not happy about it, but it's not gonig to change, so let's not even go there with each other.  Let's just enjoy our time."  That way you save her from trying to convince you to like men and she saves you any lengthy presentations on how it's pretty unlikely things will ever change.  I think the "I understand how you feel and respect your right to feel that way" approach allows parents and children to skate around any given issue by acknowleding how someone feels but not conceding any kind of defeat.  Know what I mean?

And you're in a safe place.  Our parents can drive us nuts.  Their care can overwhelm us.  We can feel desperate and sometimes even uninterested in helping.  But that never means we don't love our parents.  You can vent here without having to feel like you need to disclaim that you love her. 

Please keep us updated.  I'll be thinking about you.  *hugs*

Hi OSWANGO,

I'm sorry you're going through this tough time, both you and your mother, and your brother, too. Missy gave just the right advice, I think. Make an effort to go to her for a visit. Perhaps she just has things she needs to say before she no longer has the memory to do so. I know it's a tough decision to make.

Hang in there and do keep us updated on how things are going.

~Laura

HI Oswango,

I just want to lend my support to what Missy said too.  It is sooo hard when there are these issues that create divides between us. It has certainly been true for me with my dad for a variety of reasons. And yet I realize that he is over 80 and not going to change.  This guy who raised me and cared for me, and did all the things that parents do - a kind of miraculous thing when I think about it.  Never having had kids, I’m always amazed by the ‘mothering’ or ‘parenting’ instinct that I observe in others.  

So what’s my point? um, I guess 2 things.  

One is something my mom may have said to me - our parents give us this unconditional care and love (as best as they can). It’s like an inheritance given to us, which we in turn pass along to someone else.  Maybe it is in returning the care of our parents (if needed and to the extent that we are able) and otherwise it is to others in our life.

The other thing, is that it’s important for each of us to do or say the things we must, from the bottom of our heart.  Are there things you need to say or do for your mom now for yourself?  Better to do this now.

Guilt is like worry.  It is wasted in the sense that if there is something you are worried about and you can do it, then do it, so no need to worry.  If there is something you are worried about and you can’t do anything about it, then don’t worry, there is nothing you can do.  So no need to worry.

Big heart

Hi Oswango,

I'm a lesbian, too. I'd take the above advice and let it go. There's always SOMETHING that our parents don't approve of. Ya gotta agree to disagree.

There are lots of services that could support your mother where she is. I'm wondering if you and your brother have talked about what options there are, how you both feel, etc. He's jumping to the nursing home option pretty quick. maybe she could find socialization through an assisted living facility. if mom is long distance, you and your bro could hire a geriatric care manager who's local to your mom and help supplement what she has there to support her. eldercarelocator is a good resource for that either online or by phone. just google it.

my partner's mother has dementia, and she's out to everyone BUT her mother, since she's a late bloomer and her mother would forget within 2 minutes anyway. fortunately my partner is working with her sibs as a team, just consulted with a geriatric care manager, and has a plan for the near future now. and i'm an experienced caregiver as well, and a medical social worker, so i give her tips and support her. which is to say, remind her to take care of herself.

do you have support for you? A therapist, a group of friends, etc?  Are you aware of SAGE? SAGE and AARP are sponsoring a conference in October. Although you are not yet in need of caregiving, the whole theme of the conference might help with your mother as well.

Good luck,

Jane