Parent who refuses to accept his condition...

Hi Ray,

Welcome to Caring's groups.  I'm glad you posted.

I have a question.  Is the reason your dad is in a nursing home because he is unable to get around and your mom is unable to help him?  Or is he there because of other care needs?  The reason I ask is that I'm wondering if an in-home caretaker would be a possibility.  I know such an arrangement is expensive - but so are nursing homes.

We were in a rehab situation for awhile during which my dad lived in a nursing home.  We'll just say he sounds he had a similar experience to what your dad is going through now.  He was bored, frustrated, generally aggravated.  All he would talk about is how he wanted to come home.  Thankfully in our case, he was able too with proper equipment and help at home.  Maybe you could talk to a case manager at the nursing home about the things that would have to change at home to make things work.

With that all said, I'm the first person to refrain from promising my parents "I'll never let you go to a nursing home" because I know the reality.  Sometimes the care needed exceeds anyone's ability to give it at home.

Thanks for your response Missy.

My dad is in a nursing home short term for cardiac rehab. However, when he got there they saw he has several other health issues such as not being able to walk and also that he was way too much for my mom to care for single handed. Also, their house is not ideal for him to be in. There are many stairs for him to climb to get to the living quarters of which he is unable to climb. He can barely stand with a walker let alone climb stairs. His health declined dramatically with the last heart attack. The bathroom is not set up for someone in his condition also being that there is a regular bathtub. A lot of work would have to go into the house for it to be condusive for him to live in and it just is not worth it. The house has been in an unkept condition for many years. Also, his car is there and he has threatened to drive if he is home, which would definitely be unsafe!!!!

My mother has looked into assisted living, but she is on a waiting list and not sure when an apartment will become available, however he is resistant to the idea. He feels with the proper medical care, he will be well and home again being independent as he was when he was 40 years old. He is in total denial.

Oh man...it certainly souds like getting dad back home isn't a reality. I'm so sorry.

You may want use the Eldercare Locator (http://www.eldercare.gov [eldercare.gov]) to find some organiziations in your mom's area that are familiar with the local support system. One word of advice, though...while I know it's not easy to let your dad live in denial, if you discourage his attempts to get well, he may feel like you're working against him and, for some reason, want him to live in a long-term care facility. Encourage and support all day long, yet still move forward with finding him a place to live.

Keep us updated. I'll be thinking about you and your family!

The number of Americans aged 85 and older is skyrocketing. It has soared from just over 100,000 in 1990 to 4.2 million in 2000 – and is projected to be 21 million by 2050. About 69% of people turning 65 this year will need long-term care during their lifetimes, and 20% will need it for five years or longer.

When that happens, it's no longer Mom and Dad's problem. The adult children, mostly daughters and daughters-in-law, have to step in and find a solution. Do-it-yourself care is no longer an option for most families because both spouses work. One of the biggest curves life can throw is caregiving — assisting someone we love who's become impaired. They discover that do-it-yourself caregiving is like a marathon race you don’t train for. Most of us enlist rather casually, rarely realizing what we’re in for.

One of the biggest curves life can throw is caregiving — assisting someone we love who's become impaired. They discover that do-it-yourself caregiving is like a marathon race you don’t train for. Most of us enlist rather casually, rarely realizing what we’re in for. Most haven't even gone for a jog.

This kind of naiveté is pervasive and dangerous. It's based on the assumption that long-term care giving amounts to fluffing a loved one's pillow and bringing tea and cookies into the sick room now and then. It ignores the reality that long-term care is usually required because of cognitive impairment and/or physical frailty and often demands heavy lifting, attention to intimate personal hygiene, and the patience of Job coping with dementia-related angry or paranoid behavior.

Thanks Missy for your advise and thoughtfulness. It's hard, but I will still try to encourage and support as you suggested.I will also look into the website that you gave me for support. I'll be in touch.  Thanks again.

Good luck, Ray!  Missy gave very good advice!  Can your Mom check out some other assisted living places, that might have openings or at least a shorter waiting list?  I do remember finding a free senior referral company that helped with narrowing the assisted care places down to the criteria needed for both your parents, but I don't recall the co. name.  I will see if I can find it, but the eldercare locater may have similar services that can save you and your Mom a lot of time and legwork.   Also, try to join a local caregiver's support group...it has helped me a lot.

Try to make your Dad realize that he cannot live at his current home, for his own safety and it would surely give your Mom "caregiver's burnout".  A good assisted care place is a lot better than a nursing home/rehab facility.   I know the nursing homes are depressing and not pleasant for senirors...my 87 yr. old mother-in-law hated her 30 days there after surgery from a fall.  Somehow, your Dad needs to come out of his denial phase.  Take a good look at their finances and help them come up with some options.  Enlist your sibling's help if you have some.  It's a difficult time for you...I feel for you as I have gone through similar things like this, too.  The role reversal is hard for your parents and they have a real tough time losing their independence.  Hang in there and use this site as an on-line support group and know you have on-line friends who will try to help.  You can vent here and possibly get some tips from others who have been there or are going through similar elder care/caregiving issues.! 

Thank you, Kona for your input. My mom has put an application in with a certain assisted living that I took her to visit. There is a waiting list, and the reason she likes this particular facility is because it is much more reasonable than others in her area. It is also run by a religious organization that is the same religion as she is, so she feels very comfortable. I tried to get her to see other assisted living facilities, but she refused, so I am hoping something opens up at this one soon. I am realizing I can only offer the tools and hope that they will start to open up to the possibilites that I show them. It is so hard convincing them that their current lifestyle will have to change......

At this point we are just waiting and little by little I believe my dad will begin to accept his situation and we can move on from there. The nursing home facility is having a meeting next week to access his situation and discuss if there will be any discharge plans in the near future.