Needing care for elderly parents

Hello there! 

Gosh you've got a tough situation.  Do you live near your parents? Would your mom agree to letting you attend either of their physician appointments?  If you were at one for your dad, for example, you could say something like, "I often see that my dad is experiencing XYZ (something that's actually related your mom's care) and I'm wondering how to combat that."  Let her hear a doctor tell her how to care for him.  If you go with your mom to one of hers, you can say "I notice my mom experiencing some issues with memory and patience.  What could this be related too?" 

If you're looking for a more direct approach, I think there's a way to sit your mom down and talk to her respectfully but bluntly.  "Mom, I know caring for dad full-time has got to be taxing.  I want to help you because I'm seeing some things that don't make me happy and I'm sure it's just because you've got your hands full." 

I'm hoping others have some great advice for you.  Keep us updated!

At some point, you may just have to do an "end run" around your obstacle. It's not ideal, but just get the "chatter" out of the way & deal with the issues. If your Father isn;t getting the care that he needs, you have to find a way to get that for him. Social workers and other options can be referred by his primary care physicians  office. Your Mom sounds like she'll be gratefull for the help. once it's arrives. I know my Mom was. I am hoping this works out for you & them!

I don't know if this fits or not but my parents are 83 yr old mom and 90 (just turned) yr old dad. They both still live at home taking care of each other only (they have no help) they are each scared something is going to happen to the other leaving them with the other one to take care of them; mom has macular degeneration so she can' t see and dad has the energy issues; she gets frustrated because he won't help her with the housework or let her in the household financial business (she can't read the mail, bills or the checkbook)  ( she also has hip issues)  and he gets frustrated with her for wanting him to.  She has been seeing a retinal specialist who has been telling her to get some glasses but my dad didn't understand that - may be I didn't explain it well enough to him before but I just got back from there and was finally able to get her some ordered  - when my dad had to have his lawn mower repaired (yes, he still mows his own yard) he actually let me see the checkbook and I saw he had the money to get her glasses (funny how he knew he had it fix the mower but not her glasses - but because he didn't understand - once I sat down with him and explained to him it was no problem we trotted right on up there and got them - but she won't do that  - she was alway very independent and didn't have to explain any thing to him for him to let her do - she wants to just be able to do so we'll see how these help - how much difference this makes in the dynamics of the whole situation.

Hi Donnalee,

I'm really hopeful those new glasses will make a good difference for your mom!

Hi everyone, I would like to respond to the person who has the 93 and 81 year old parents to take care of.    As we all know, when people get older, it is very important to be able to do the things that we always did...including taking care of our spouses...I would personally start, by talking to them individually,.....and explaining that you love them both, and that you would do anything, to make things better between them. I would tell Mom, that you know that she wants to take care of dad,  and maybe the fighting is 'just their way'....its good if she can continue to do things for him, so maybe if you can try to (without letting them realize it) perhaps get the clothes ready, ..etc,...but I am not sure what you mean, about him not getting the kind of care he needs...he is 12 years older, and mom needs to remember that he is aging at a different pace than she is...