My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Quent @ 05:29 PM March 10, 2008

Quent — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:29:40 -0000

My spouse and I dealt with the problem of “driving while incompetent” with only one of our four parents. After my father-in-law was in his upper 80s his short-term memory, problem-solving ability, and vision all deteriorated significantly. His car acquired scrapes and paint of unknown origin on its four corners. We initially used logical arguments to encourage my father-in-law to stop driving. Of course the man agreed with everything we said, then did whatever he wanted to do. Then he would occasionally disappear with his car for hours, but when asked where he had been he’d reply “I’d tell you if I knew.” We contacted the DMV, which issued him a restricted license that allowed him to drive only between his house and the local restaurant / bar in our active-adult community. Well, do you think the license restriction changed his driving habits? Of course not! Eventually (after doctors diagnosed my father-in-law’s dementia) the DMV acknowledged that my father-in-law’s driving skills were questionable and invited him for testing, which he failed. The DMV revoked his license. Do you think that had any impact on his behavior? Of course not! The local police phoned us one night when they found him driving very slowly after dark while he was trying to read street signs. Did that have any effect on his driving habits? Did the police even check whether he had a valid license? Of course not! Then, some of our friends alerted us that my father-in-law was driving erratically through the neighborhood. Finally, we realized that we were the only ones who could force him to stop driving. Nobody else was going to do it for us.

So, although long reluctant to take this step, we disabled my father-in-law’s car to prevent him from driving again. We could, of course, appreciate his perspective. As one ages, a person’s world shrinks ever smaller. Health deteriorates, friends and relatives become house-bound or die, disposable income shrinks, apparent distances to destinations become greater, technology outpaces comprehension, and (in the USA) alternative methods of transportation for the elderly never materialize. Elders gradually lose control of everything that seems to matter, and depression often follows.

We promised to provide transportation whenever he needed it but, as we feared, my father-in-law was extremely angry and bitter. I’m afraid he never forgave us. He was an “independent” man who seemed to carry grudges “forever.” Eventually my father-in-law reluctantly gave his car to his son. Our solution to the “driving while incompetent” problem became unavoidable but it proved not to be a good one in terms of our relationship with my father-in-law. But, the good thing is that he never injured himself or another person with his car.

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Missy @ 03:05 PM March 05, 2008

Missy — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:05:03 -0000

Yikes Rebecca! Part of me feels like you need to call the police with the information because that's a hit and run and highly illegal. Is this a place where you park often? Can you ask the guards if they contacted the police?

It's a bummer because who knows what this guy's situation is. Sure he appeared elderly with thick glasses, but perhaps he was driving a car he was unfamiliar with.

Update us when you decide what to do!

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Rebecca @ 03:53 AM March 05, 2008

Rebecca — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 03:53:08 -0000

This morning I was walking to my car in a parking garage. I'm watching this big white SUV, backing up, and its making me nervous, then all of a sudden he bangs into the bumper of a parked car while he is trying to turn around. THen he pulls forward and around another corner, then tries to turn around again, and then snags another bumper of another car. I get a good look at the elderly guy driving the car, he has these really think glasses on, complete with handicap sticker, oh and get his license plate number.

So, when I leave the lot I give the plate number to the guards and say that guy shouldn't be driving - having explained about the cracked bumpers.

So the question is, should I do more and if so what? What would you do?

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Missy @ 02:09 AM March 02, 2008

Missy — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 02:09:30 -0000

Hello! Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry that you're faced with this driving issue.

I really think you did the right thing. Driving while under the influence is really dangerous and illegal. The scary part, beyond the obvious risk of harm, is that if you know she's doing it, there may be some liability issues for you. It's almost like you're forced to take action.

Good luck to you. I'll be anxious to hear if your relative reapplies.

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Anonymous @ 06:17 AM February 28, 2008

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:17:50 -0000

I had to face the driving issue with a relative who was an alcoholic. She lost her license for several years after a DUI, then said she was going to reapply. She said she was going to show the DMV her certificate from a rehab program, but I knew she'd relapsed and was actively drinking. I finally called the DMV and asked them what one should do in this situation. They said you could write a letter, which would go in the preson's file when they tried to reapply. I told my alcoholic relative quite frankly that I planned to do this if she reapplied for a license.

I told her I couldn't have it on my conscience that she might kill herself or another person driving drunk and I'd do whatever I could to prevent that. It was really hard to be so hard-line, and she was really angry. But I think in her heart of hearts she knew she wasn't safe to drive, and she never reapplied. Meanwhile, though, I know other people who know their parents or relatives are driving drunk and don't know what to do, because they've never lost their licenses. This is a really tough one! Anyone have suggestions?

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Missy @ 02:55 AM February 26, 2008

Missy — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 02:55:36 -0000

Thanks so much for the response and support, Laura. That's a great idea about checking with the DMV about how often he should be retested. I never thought of that!

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by LauraL @ 11:14 PM February 25, 2008

LauraL — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:14:01 -0000

Oh, Missy, I'd be scared to death! I wonder if his doctor should tell him that he should be going to the DMV and having them verify he's still ok to drive according to their vision standards or something. I think I heard rumblings here in Oregon in requiring folks over a certain age to have to retest for driving every two years or something to make sure everyone was safe.

You are not picky. You are CARING!

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Missy @ 02:13 AM February 22, 2008

Missy — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:13:41 -0000

Quick update - My dad never left the house today. That's good and bad news because I'm always worried about him being too sedentary, but good news in that he didn't drive. Man, I'm a picky daughter, aren't I? LOL

My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about! posted by Missy @ 03:25 PM February 21, 2008

Missy — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:25:06 -0000

ARGH! We've been through this with my dad a million times. I'm not terribly comfortable with him driving. He's blind in one eye and is just generally quite slow moving, so that leads me to believe his reflexes are slow. He also has practically no preripheral vision. Yet, no doctor will just be blunt with him and say "It's a bad idea for you to drive. You shouldn't do it." Instead they beat around the bush and say things like "well, you should think about the danger you could cause to yourself and others. What if there was a child?" It drives me nuts that no one will just be frank.

When we've talked to my dad about it, but he just doesn't want to stop driving. He says he rarely does it, so what's the problem? I kind of feel like that's part of the problem. He has to regain familiarity with his truck and the roads he's traveling.

Well today my mom called to tell me that he's coming to a barbershop near our house. I immediately got worried for his safety. On top of that, he's the type of guy who if something did happen and anyone else was involved, he would never ever forgive himself. I love him so much. My desire for him to stop driving has nothing to do with any evil plot to keep him at home. Heck, I'm always telling him to get out more! I just don't want him to get hurt.

Driving issues are so hard. Thanks so much for letting me vent, everyone.

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