Mom had a stroke - Many questions - Help!

Hi Anonymous!  Hard stuff! Geez, relationships are just the hardest things.  I was just talking with a friend who did all the care giving for her mom for over 6 years (she died last year), and it seemed that her brother only cared about the money.  It was very hard for her to be assertive with him and she had to choose between what was most important to her, preserving some kind of relationship with him, or fighting for the money that she clearly deserved. I'm just finding that people don't really change easily.  She ended up doing what she thought was right and balanced. He just had no clue of the reality of the situation. 

Someone made a great point in another post about showing just how much it would cost to bring in other help vs what the cost for you would be. That the money is going to last much longer.  Can we talk about the financial stuff without getting into the personal stuff?  I don't know.  What would happen if you asked your siblings if they would be willing to cover any difference in value of your house if you had to sell it at a loss?  not that they would, but to help them understand...  Is this helpful?

Can you be really clear with yourself about what your needs really are?  Not what you need someone else to do, but what you need. e.g.  I need to know that mom is taken care of.  or I need to be financially secure.  I keep trying to express my needs in relation to someone else, but it really only helps me when I can be clear about what I need and then express that.  Also makes it easier to not sound like I'm guilting someone  - like my husband  :>)

Hi Rebecca 

Thanks for your post.

RE: the other post -  how much it would cost to bring in other help vs what the cost for you would be. That the money is going to last much longer.  Yes, I agree it would but if she passes before it's gone it goes to her heirs that have done nothing and I have given up everything. Is that fair?

 RE:  What would happen if you asked your siblings if they would be willing to cover any difference in value of your house if you had to sell it at a loss?  not that they would, but to help them understand...  Is this helpful?

Good idea, worth a try but understand this, if I sell my home and leave my life behind, move to care for her for some amount of time and she passes, they will want me to move out of the house immeadiately so they can get their share and I will be homeless. Is that fair? I have to take care of myself too here and I don't think I should have to put myself in such a precarious position while they again aren't risking/giving anything. If I leave she will end up in a nursing home and I think it would be the end of her quickly. I don't want that but I am not sure I can do this without some security for my future whatever it is.

I know, nothing in life is fair . I'm willing to help care for my Mom for her - but not to the benefit of my siblings that aren't doing a thing and haven't even given a thought to me. None of them would do what I am doing now or thinking of doing but yet they want to know how much I have spent on groceries.  Do you see what I mean?

How can I get some advise or guidance? I need some suggestions.

Hi Anonymous....   No it isn't fair!   I agree that you need to protect yourself financially.  If you were to sell your house, would you buy another one in the new state?  Its important to make sure you have a home one way or another.  So don't leave yourself in a precarious position!   I sure wouldn't want to do that.

I think I would contact some local agencies to help you work through this.  I'd start first with the local area agency on aging (AAA) , and ask to talk to a social worker there.  (See the local directories links on this site.)  I'd also consider a conversation with the geriatric mediator....  someone who speciaiizes in helping people resolve family issues around eldercare.   I have a friend here who does just that and it can be really helpful.  But I'd start with the social worker. 

Have you been in contact with any local agencies?