Guilt and mental illness

Hi comictazz!  Welcome to Caring.com.

You're really in a tough spot.    Depending how your mom's mental illness and her ability to understand, I think it's okay to set and stick too boundaries.  You can tell her the hateful language is unacceptable.  Your responsibility to her is to make sure she's cared for and that she's loved.  The nursing home provides adequate care.  And you show up every day, so obviously you love her!  If she's abusive, you may want to say she's not making it very pleasant for you to hang around. 

With that said, I can definitely understand the guilt.  *hugs*  Just know it is okay to continue on with your life.  

Hi there, Comictazz,

Please know you are not alone!  Depending on her ability to understand, what she is going through is truly a life-altering situation and depression a part of it.  But you are going through it, too.  I don't know if you are into this kind of thing, but perhaps you could look into homeopathic remedies for depression (if her medications and doctors agree).  My mom is on anti-depression meds and they work great for her, and she also enjoys teas with homeopathic effects.

I live in Seattle and I found a Senior Center that has bi-monthly meetings for adult children with elderly parents going through what you are going through.  You may want to check around in your town to see if you can find groups who you can meet with to TALK.  Man, I tell you, there's nothing like having folks around who know what it's like.  None of your friends understand, you know?  Guilt is so hard to live with, we all know.  You have to take care of yourself, know you love your mom, and she loves you.  That sounds corny, but you really are doing all you can.  What?  Are you going to do, quit your job spend and 24/7 with her? 

Sorry you're unhappy.  It's hard.

I want to thank the people who commented on here. I appreciate it and it is helpful.

Hi Comictazz,

How was your week?  Any better or more of the same?

Marla

Thanks for the post. This week has been more of the same. it is frusterating because I try to reason with my mom sometimes and it doesnt seem to work.  I am trying to find a support group here in salem, oregon where i live but I am not coming up with much. I am also looking for a nursing home that specializes in elder care with mental illness. That is hard also. I know they are out there but not too much in my area. If you have any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.

Malcolm

Hi Malcolm,

I'm not one who believes we should take a pill for whatever ails us, but have you consulted with your mom's doctors about whether there may be some medications she could take that would help re: her mental illness?  Has she been diagnosed?  And if so, there must be something out there that can help, right?  My mom takes an anti-depressant, and we tried to wean her off of them a few months back.  That was a big mistake!   I could see her personality become way more volatile in just a few days.  Back on the pills she went!  I'm not comparing your mom's illness with my mom's very slight and small issues, just telling the story.

You may want to call the major hospital in the area for a reference to a nursing home that specializes in mental illness.  You know, the ICU sees hundreds of patients a year that have to go to nursing homes, and they can probably refer you.  After my mom's stroke, she was in ICU and they helped me find a nursing home for her to go to during her "recovery" until she was able to come home with us.

Keep in touch and feel free to vent whenever you need to!

Marla

Thanks.. The probelm they are having with mom is she has a heart condition so there are some behavioral medications that they cant use because it screws with the heart. Because my mom is schzophranic an anti-depressant will heighten her symptoms. We tried that one time. To top it off. Mom had rhumatiod artheritis. She has back pain and her hands are becoming knarled hardly able to use. I am the only child. Her family is pretty much worthless, they dont do much for her and they are trouble makers. My dad has been dead for 13 years now. His family comes and visits about once a year to see mom. They all live out of state.  I wish I could take care of my mom at home but we have the same personality. Irish and german.. stubborn and hot tempered. Even though through tthe years I have tamed down my temper when I am around mom. But I do have to take her anger sometimes... I have just started to say " Love you Mom" and just walk out the door. I have to, she is just like her dad full of hate and nothing is ever good enough.

I go see my mom about 6 days a week. about an hour a day on the weekends when i am of i am there about 3 hours. I guess its a little ashuring knowing that there are other people out there like me going through the same thing. It is hard and sometimes I think it is not fair. But I keep doing it. Because I love her and she has no one else. She has had a hard life after obtaining her medical records, it doesnt come out and say it but the way things are worded I think she was sexually abused by her dad when she was younger. Also back in the 60's her parents would put there kids including my mom into the mental hospital for the weekend for disobeying. In her report I have read more than 20 times where they did insulin induced coma's on my mom. THis was popoular back in those days.

I konw what she has been through and it tears me up thinking about it. Now as an only child I buy her anything she wants. Fortunatly I have a good job so I am able to do it. But it doesnt seem to be enough.

Ok enough babeling.. I do appreciate your thoughts and listenting.

Thank You  Malcolm

Wow.  I had no idea  people put their kids in mental institutions for disobeying back in the 60's (50's, 40's whenever).  Nor did I know about insulin induced comas.  I'm in my 40's and don't consider myself, by any stretch of the imagination, naive.  Wow, again.

You have a lot on your plate.  Perhaps you need to back off a little and give yourself a little time.  I know from experience, that 6-day-a-week visits can be exhausting.  Maybe if you cut back a little (permanently or temporarily - your decision) you will be more able to deal with her outbursts.  Also, maybe she'll be happy to see you and not taking you and your visits for granted?  Again, I'm just thinking out loud.  You know what's best for yourself and your situation.

One piece of advice relating to your story:  Don't think about the past.  Live in today.  You can't do anything about what your mom went thru as a child or any other part of her life.  That kind of thinking just torments you.  You trying to make up for injustices thrust upon her before you were even born doesn't serve you well.

Marla

Thanks for the advice. This week I am going to cut back to 5 days and go with that for a while. Believe me when i get that one or two days free I cant explain the relief I get and how doing the simple things are so enjoyable.

Ya I have read up on what they called them back when.. insane asylms and the things they used to do to patients are pretty messed up. Alot I have foudn online. Anyway yes i need to forget the past. I agree. I will take your advice and if your interested keep you update.

In all my yaking I dont think I have asked you how things are going with your mom and you? Is she doing good this week? Let me know I am interested also. As the Bible says there is power in numbers. I believe the more people that gather together in a common subject they will be able to help each other out.

Thanks for listening   Malcolm

Hi again,

Thanks for asking about my mom.  She has lived with us for 2 years and it's becoming more and more unbearable.  Her husband, my step-dad died suddenly about a year before she had her stroke.  He left her a life insurance policy worth about $200K.  Mom systematically blew thru about $200K of that within one year.  Loser friends and neighbors mooching and asking for money, which mom gave without a care.  I would call her every day during that time since she was alone and we would get in big arguments because I knew she was blowing the $$ and I would tell her she needed that $$ for her long-term care.  So, we would argue.  After the stroke, I took control of her finances with a Power of Attorney.  Long story short, she's now out of money as the rest of the money she had has been spent down paying for her caregivers.  She constantly wants me to give her money, I remind her she doesn't have any to blow, blahblahblah.  Last week, mom let it slip that she tried to apply for a Macy's card while they were at the mall.  I flipped.  I asked her caregiver about it and she said that mom is constantly trying to apply at all the stores at the mall and gets really angry with her and yells and curses her in public when she says no to mom.   I had a talk with her and the caregiver, letting mom know that I will not tolerate this sneaky, deceitful, behind-my-back behavior.  It's just an example of how selfish my mom is and how utterly irresponsible she is with money.  I'm struggling trying to get financial help with DSHS and it's just a bureaucratic nightmare.  It's really exhausting having to worry about moneymoneymoney all the time and then have my mom be so careless and self-centered.  It really pisses me off.   This is really small potatoes compared to you and your mom, but it's just what's been going on this week.

We have a wonderful woman who is mom's caregiver.  I don't know what i'd do without her.  But the stress of having mom here has really taken a toll on my marriage.  All we do is fight.  It seems we fight about little things that we are substituting for our anger and stress relating to mom.    We dont have a large house, it's a 3br rambler, around 1400 sf, so there's just no alone time.  So, I'm slowly coming around to the fact that mom is going to have to go to a home.  I used to feel guilty about it, but more and more now, I'm just tired of her selfishness and the negativity.  I'm also very resentful of the sacrifices we are making for her while our marriage suffers.  That sounds really crappy, but it's true.

Anyway, keep in touch please.  And enjoy your 2 days off!

Marla

Wow. i was reading the first part of your email and it sound word for work what i went through. My dad died mom inherited around 30,000, then we sold her house and that was another 50,000. Through her famliy and money hungry freinds she went through almost all of hers in a year too. I dont know what state you live in but your mom should qualify for medicare/medicaid. Believe me it is a nightmare.

Here are some things that helped me. Talk to her doctor and if he backs you that is a good thing. 2nd. you have to pound, call, stomp, throw a hissy to get the bueracratic BS workers to move there butt. Your mom should be assigned a case worker if you dont like the one your assigned you can request another one. When I was going through it I was calling he case worker every day. It took me about 6  months to get mom all set up.

Also if you are going to put her in an assisted living or a nursing home you can go to the medicare.gov site and you should be able to look up the results from prior state inspections that were done on the facility or when you go to tour the facility you can request them and by law they have to make them known and they are suppose to be post for all to see. This give you information on whether the facility had any violations and lists those. If you are thinking about foster homes be careful my mom was in 2 bad ones.

My mom loved assisted living she got to mingle with other people and they had lots of actiities. I do understand how it can be a strain on your marriage. And I do understand about the money thing. My mom still says she doesnt have a penny but i manage  to keep 1000 in her bank account just in case something were to happen. But we still do have arguments about money. Even though she has every thing she could ever want.

Like the advice you gave me. You have to do the same. You need to think of yourself. As long as the facility is a good one and you keep tabs on what goes on there she will be fine. You need to think of you and your husbands sanity.

No matter what it is a hard descion. Good Luck and please keep in touch.

PS: If you need help you can email me direct on the whole medicare thing.

Malcolm

Thanks, Malcolm!

I will be in touch.  You mentioned emailing you direct, but I don't have your email address.  Talk to you soon!

Marla

Take care.. feel free.. mjstrand72@msn.com

Marla

Just woundering how things are going with you?