When I was 30 and my mother was 56 she died of breast cancer, now I am dealing with my 81 year old father who has dementia. When my mother was dying I was the only child of hers in the area, now I have a brother who lives here. I can identify with your problem and my siblings and I had to learn how to navigate a situation that is rife with emotions twice.
Needless to say, this time is easier in some ways because I have my brother, also, we are all older and wiser. The reality of dealing with my mother dying when I was the sole child certainly was impacted by everyone else being out of state. We fought and cried when my mother was dying but eventually figured out how to deal with the imbalance of labors.
The issues were resolved by our understanding the impact of our mother's situation on each of us. They felt helpless being far away. This often came out by them critizing me, just like you. I felt resentful that I was carrying the load and them causing me more grief. We resolved this by my learning to delegate tasks to them and by them learning to defer to my knowledge and efforts. I needed appreciation.
Now, 20+ years later, this lesson has served us well. I manage the household stuff and finances, my brother handles legal and medical. My two sisters, who live out of state, have strengths they add, as well. They call him daily. One sister is a therapist and listens to us when problems arise. The other sister is knowledgeable about art and valuables and we expect her to come in very handy when we have to handle the estate. Both make fairly regular visits and we work together to time them so they provide relief for my brother and myself.
I recommend you talk with your siblings. When your parents die you will only have each other. Actions in situations like you are in can make or break families. You have to build trust and work together for the common cause.
