emotionally dependent mother posted by grateful @ 08:09 PM October 11, 2008

grateful — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 20:09:46 -0000

My mother has demitia and althimers. She is becoming very dependent on me. I am the only one fo 4 that is home so I expectted it. My granddaughter says with her during the day and mom continually asks if I am coming down. I live 15 miles away and cannot go down every day. But stay 2 nights a week and then stay the days also. I try to get things done around the house, but sometimes she just wants to talk, so we do. It's important to let her do things, like talking, that she wants to do. Start asking her to tell you stories about when she was growning up and either make notes of them or make a tape of them. This will help her keep her mind off of her sisters illness and will also keep her alive in your heart after she is gone. I know that's not what you are worring about, (her diying), but it will help you too.You will be surprised at some of the stories. You will laught, cry and just be amazed at some of the things she tells you. Try it--Kay

emotionally dependent mother posted by Holly @ 06:34 AM October 11, 2008

Holly — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 06:34:27 -0000

I am sorry your family is going through this.

I do not think a caregiver would be the most helpful thing for your mother right now.

If your aunt (moms sister) is in hospice care, hospice will pay for grief counseling including group thearpy that includes other individuals experiencing similar loses during your aunts illness and for up to 12 months after death.

I think she would benefit from this type of support. You can ask your aunts hospice nurse about this.

If your aunt is not in hospice care, there are still very good support groups for the loved ones of cancer victems, specifically this refers to grief counseling and grief support groups.

A little bit of Xanax, unfortunatly is woefully inadequate for treatment of symptoms that are as disruptive and disabling as the ones you describe.

Panic is usually part of depression. Somewhat like thirst is a symptom of dehydration, sucking candy may make you feel temporarly better but it does not address the underlying problem.

Your mom may benefit from an antidepressant when the depression is treated the anxiety kn many cases resolves itself. She could also take Xanax as needed, but the underlying depression needs to be addressed and treated.

It may take trying more than one anti-depressant before the best one is found. And It can take as much as 6 weeks to start feeling better, but usually it is sooner.

Although I am sure everyone will want to avoid my next suggestion, it is possible the fastest way to stabilize your mother would be admission as an inpatient to a unit that treats mental illness.

The reason for this is she would recieve 24/ 7 treatment and observation. Should she have an adverse reaction to the medication or not respond to thearpy as expected this would be detected immediately and interventions and adjustments made by professionals who do this for a living.

She would also be able to recieve intensive thearpy which would teach her new coping skills which she is definatly going to need to deal with this very difficult situation. Your aunt is not going to get better, and neither is your mother unless she gets some intense serious help now, that help should include a professional psychiatric evaluation, and most likely anti-depressant medication, one on one counseling, group thearpy with other grief victims, support from her friends and family, clergy. A care giver would not be able to provide the support she needs.

Just a week as an inpatient could be all she needs. Then if necessary she could follow/up with a day program and continue to use the professionals as rescources.This would take the burden off your family and allow them to be their for your mother again. The reason they are avoiding her is because her needs are so overwhelming and cannot be met by them.Involving professional support, will effectively address her illness then your mother will not be frantically "emotionally hemorrhaging" on any and everyone. Its like trying to be sympathetic to a loved one who is having a heart attack, sympathy won't cure the disease, they need to go to the hospital and then with proper treatment the family takes its place in the patients life again, not as Cardioligists but as family members being there for each other.

It is very sad that she is going to the emergency room frequently for the panic attacks. That is the proof that her illness is being undertreated, improperly treated and some new solutions need to be discovered. This is no light matter.

Cancer is a killer, but it cannot take away a families love for each other, your mothers inability to cope is not her or your families fault. But it is doing damage that may not be easily repaired.

Start by going with her to her medical provider and discuss her response to the treatment so far.

God Bless and good luck

Also, its possiple that if your mother realizes that her frequent 911 calls and unreasonable demands of family members will be treated as her needing to be admitted to a mental health facility instead of the gratification of recieving more family attention she might make more of an effort to be a source of strenght and comfort to her sister and family.

If she is being manipulative, and I am not saying that is the case, but if she realizes that her family is going to set limits on her demands for their time and attention ,she may decide it is to her advantage to seek help from professionals and try to establish an inner core of strength instead of being more sick and demanding more attention than her terminally ill sister

Build in a motivator, if she can stay out of the ER reward her in some small way. If she cannot then tell her the family feels her needs require professional support, meaning psychiatric admission.

emotionally dependent mother posted by Karen, Ca. @ 06:42 AM September 20, 2008

Karen, Ca. — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 06:42:20 -0000

It sounds to me, if I'm hearing your concerns correctly, like she just might be needing more personal attention at this time. Maybe a caregiver, who listens? It's hard to do, especially when you're long distance. Just my 2 cents...

emotionally dependent mother posted by Stephanie Trelogan @ 05:57 AM September 05, 2008

Stephanie Trelogan — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:57:31 -0000

Oh Penny Rose, I really relate to your post. It's so difficult to watch someone you love struggling -- yet it can also be so maddening to have to deal with it day in and day out!

I agree with Missy that your mom might benefit from a different medication, perhaps an antidepressant for her anxiety. But what I think would also help is to have someone to listen to her talk and talk and talk and TALK. About her fears, her sadness, her worries...everything.

Don't panic, I don't mean you! I'm talking about a counselor or therapist. Do you think she might be open to that idea? You say she has housecleaners and drivers, so maybe you could couch the idea in those terms?

Big ((((hugs)))) to you, your mom, and the rest of your family.

emotionally dependent mother posted by pennyrose @ 11:02 AM September 01, 2008

pennyrose — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 11:02:51 -0000

Missy -- Thanks for the encouragement. You're right about the obsesssion. In fact, alot of it is based in fear about nearly everything. Last night, when we were making dinner at my home, Mom became extremely anxious when I put some old broccoli down the garbage disposal -- beause I pushed in the last few stalks with my hand. Mind you, my hand never went beyond the rubber stopper.

Her comment, "If you don't do this the way that I want, I'm quitting ang going home right now." I laughed.. but it is symptomatic of her issues.

I'll do more investigation on the meds. Right now, she's on a small dose of xanax.

Thanks for responding.

Penny Rose

emotionally dependent mother posted by Missy @ 09:25 PM August 31, 2008

Missy — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:25:09 -0000

Hello there! Thanks so much for posting.

You're in a tough spot because it sounds like you genuinely want to empathize with your mom and take care of her, but she's making it almost impossible for you since you work and live an hour away.

The thing that immediately came to mind is whether she's on effective medication. It sounds like she's obsessing. I say that as gently as possible because when you're faced with the possible loss of a loved one, how can you not? The difference, though, is that those...how can I say this?...obsessing in a healthy way can push it aside enough to carry on with normal life. It sounds like your mom has lost the ability to do that. And while I don't know which ones, there are medications out there specifically for dealing with anxiety.

Hopefully others will have some additional advice for you. In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you!

emotionally dependent mother posted by Anonymous @ 07:53 PM August 31, 2008

Anonymous — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 19:53:28 -0000

I am becoming increasingly frustrated. My mother --who is basically healthy, financially secure, and a widow -- is becoming more and more emotionally unstable. She's on meds which help, has a therapist, but really is only happy when cared for by her family only... and then, our care is often criticized.

I write now because her sister and best friend is dying of lung cancer and she cries at the drop of a hat, at the thought of losing her. And then, the crying triggers a panic attack, requiring a 911 call and trip to the emergency room until she settles down. I have great compassion for her feelings, but as her daughter who works full time and lives an hour away... I can't get a handle on this. Does she need a care giver???

She loves her home and doesn't want to move to a senior community. And in fact, we have the support services with cleaning ... drivers etc... to get her where she needs to go. But her needs for talking over and over again about issues that make her afraid have virtually alienated family members, because they too are frustrated. I prayed for an Angel this morning.

Any ideas???