Unsolicited advice: When helping your relative manage any aspect of daily life, do everything you can to AVOID BEING IN A HURRY.
Realize that it takes a long time simply to tell old people something. Even if they hear you clearly, they may not understand what you meant.
And if they hear and understand, they may still disagree. Whatever their capabilities, they want to feel in control, and they will not gracefully accept being hustled around!
Finally, old people cannot move quickly -- and if they try, they risk falling, which is seriously bad.
Suppose you are driving your mother to the dentist. PLAN AHEAD and give yourself more than enough time to pick her up, help her into the car, park appropriately, and help her to the dentist's office -- knowing that (a) something will go wrong and (b) you cannot rush. (She will insist on taking taking her hairbrush and lipstick, which she has misplaced. For her to be comfortable, you must allow time to look for them.)
You may be a very busy person, generally successful at juggling and multi-tasking. If so, you must learn to abandon your expectations about time and SLOW DOWN. You will be calm and strong if you know that you do not need to rush.
Do Not Hurry
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Chris responded 5 months ago :
This sounds like great advice. I'm definately a person who usually has 5 things going on at once. I hope that I will have that kind of patience when the time comes for me, but I doubt it. I wonder if anyone has some suggestions of what they do to keep themselves from being bored while maintaining the appearance of patience...
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Missy responded 5 months ago :
That's great advice, Marney! Thanks for posting it!
Chris, I wish I had an easy answer for you. My problem isn't faking patience, it's disguising frustration. In my experience, though, it's just not worth it because as Marney suggested, it won't change anything. My dad will still move really slowly. And I don't mean like from the car to the doctor's office. I mean like "Dad, take a shower so we can go." Ten minutes later..."Dad, can you please get in the shower? We need to leave shortly." Five minutes later..."Dad we really need to get going." all the while he's sitting watching TV.
Maybe I just need to leave more time, bring a magazine and a good attitude.
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Kirby F responded 5 months ago :
It might not be at all appropriate, but I know that my childrens' teacher sings through all tasks that might take awhile and have the chance to go off the rails.
It makes my kids more joyful in their actions and it relaxes me.
It doesn't feel as natural when taking care of an older parent. But, if you can combine kids, singing and an older parent, you are likely to be in a better mood.
I am moved to tears each time that I join my kids for a gardening day at their school. There's an assisted living facility that lets their kindergarten use some of their outdoor space to grow vegetables. Anyway, each time they visit, they deliberately walk through the building, singing as they go. It brings everyone out of their rooms and generates tons of smiles.
So, grab a young kid and sing a song.
Now - back to real life.
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Stephanie Trelogan responded 4 months ago :
Fantastic advice, Marney. I have two small children, and I've found the key to not losing my temper (and my mind) when we have to be someplace is to leave us enough time so that we're not rushed.
No one likes being hustled around—and I'm sure it's a million times worse for an elderly parent who is used to being in control of her own life.
