DEMENTIA AGGRESION

Hi Suze,

Welcome to Caring's groups.  I'm really glad you posted.  Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice for you, but I'm hopeful someone else will.  We've got lots of great folks here!

I know it's got to be really unsettling to deal with physical threats.  You're amazing for looking for support rather than quitting.  This gal's family must be so appreciative to have you caring for their mom!

Hi Suze,  Wowzer, that sounds really frustrating. 

I've not been in that position, and know that at a certain point, there seems to be no way to communicate with someone with dementia.  But something popped into my head, so I thought I'd put it out there.... don't really know if it would work.  If you can talk with her - ignoring the fact that she has dementia.... because clearly she is able to self-moderate somewhat.. and assume for a moment that she is a rational person.. (and this has to be authentic -)  I would say something like.  'I'm hearing you express your rage and frustration to me.  I'm glad you are feeling comfortable enough with me to be open with your feelings.  You know that I care for you, and I'd like to help as much as I can.  Is there anything that I can do to help. (And somewhere in here its important to express the truth of the situation... That there may not be anything you or she can do, but just to listen and care.....  and to say this truthfully to her...)"  Anyway I'd say all this with no expectation that she will respond coherently at that moment,but that on some level she does hear you.

Maybe off base... don't know, but interested to hea your thoughts or others about it.   Good luck!!!

That sounds like it would be very difficult to live with! I think it's good that you recognize when it happens, so you are prepared for being able to ignore it when she starts in.

I also wanted to invite you over to the Alzheimer's and Dementia group here: http://www.caring.com/community/groups/alzheimers-support  so you can talk with others in similar situations.

All the best to you!

Oh my, that sounds unbelievably upsetting. You've gotten some great advice already, but I thought I'd add my two cents' worth...

Have you talked to her family about this? If not, I would suggest you do so right away. She may benefit from an evaluation by a neurologist or even a psychiatrist. Sometimes depression can manifest as anger and aggression; I wonder about her rapid "turnaround" when her children come over. At the very least, they need to know about her behavior towards you.

Is it possible that she's had a stroke? That might explain her dramatic change in behavior, and it's another reason a neurologist should probably see her.

Last, but certainly not least: you need to take care of yourself, too. As much as you may care for this woman -- and your love certainly shines through in your post -- no one can endure this kind of abuse without help for long.

I'll be sending you good thoughts in the meantime, but please let us know how things go.

Wow my 88 year old dad seems to be going through a similar thing.  In the morning he berates my mom accusing her of having affairs (not true).  This goes on every day I understand.  When we call and talk to them he sounds very rational but insists that he wants to tell us "his story."  We're at our wits end, but I like some of the ideas that have been suggested.  I think we just have to take the time to listen to him and assure him of our love.  I wish though that there was a way to make it stop.  I'm looking for help too!

Hi Suze, My Mom was a loving, caring person most of her life. Then she started acting out. At first my Dad would tell us about it, we weren't very helpful. we would say, what are you doing to make her mad. she was so nice to all of us when we came to see them.

About 8 years ago I moved them in with me to care for them. After a short time passed Mom started to turn on me also. She would even tell me she hated me. Then if someone came in she would put on this smile and be her sweet self for their benifit.

We started looking into what was causing this. Over time we came to find out there was a steriod in one of her medications. We changed it for another medication with no steriod. 

It worked. We stared looking at the time factor that the anger came on and they were in conjuction with the taking of these meds also. For the last year of Mothers life we were anger free.

I don't know if this information will help ,but it is another direction to look at.   

Wow Nita!  That's great information.  Definitely food for thought.  Thanks for posting your experience!

I agree with the steroid theory.  I take care of my mother and she had some large fluid filled cyst type lesions on both legs that came out of the blue.  When I took her to her PCP who specializes in geriatric, she said it was Bullous something and it could be treated with steroids, however, she does not like to give 93 year old people steroids. She said as they age, less is better with medication. I just had to clean them with saline and cover them and they would run their course which they did.  We have cut in half her medications and she does well. Dementia but still at home and she can still walk with a walker. I do change her Depends and clean her up but I realize I do need someone to help me.  That is why I happen to be searching and found this site.  I am still working full time but when I get home this weekend, I will be looking at the site for advice.

Hi Suze:  Sounds like a pretty stressful situation, and I do have a few pieces of advice.  First, don't keep any guns in the house!  OK, ok, that was just to make you smile.  I hope it worked.

Sounds like she is scared because of the changes made around her if there was a recent move, even if it's for the better.  The other clue is the ability to have a rapid emotional change to hide her animosity if a family member calls or comes by.  I can certainly understand the tension this may cause since I go through similar episodes myself with one of the ladies I currently care for.  I would first talk to her immediate family members, to at least alert them of this behavior.  You would probably feel pretty foolish if you made an offhand comment to a family member about this irrational behavior and then it didn't surface whenever they were around.  It might make you feel like it appeared you weren't telling the truth about her, so it's best to fully explain this to her immediate family members at a time when you have a few minutes to have an informative discussion with them - not when you are trying to explain why she was acting one way just a moment ago and now she's completely different.  I would also check with her medical providers for advice and to see if there would be any benefit to adjusting whatever medication she may be currently taking.  I have seen this course of action work very well myself even in such medications as OTC pain relievers, blood pressure medications, etc., but I certainly wouldn't do so without the supervision of that person's doctor.

Good luck dealing with this, and remember to do what I have learned through experience:  take care of  yourself first.  You are of help to no one if you are not feeling well both physically and emotionally. 

What great ideas!! I know this has to be hard on you but I had to add my thoughts about meds, especially steroids..

I have rheumatoid arthritis and have taken steroids, actually prednisone and it can alter your mood..Of course for me I know that it can alter my mood and so I just go off by myself until it passes  but in your case that would be impossible..

If the doc has her on something like steroids or a mood altering drug , maybe you could talk to him about either changing the drug or changing the time of day that she takes them..

I agree with the others that maybe a talk with the doc could give you some answers as to why she seems to have this behavior change..

Mu grandmothers mood sometimes changed after a TIA and she would become a different person for a while but eventually she would be herself again..

I am sending positive thoughts your way and hoping things get better for both of you!