I have been taking care of my 88 year old mother for 2 years. Back in November 07 she woke up with her back hurting. Since then, she has not been the same. Because of some of the medications she was on she has changed in ways that I never thought possible coming from her. Her new thing is going to the bathroom every ten minutes day and night. Her days and nights are mixed up. I could deal with this up until a couple of months ago. I don't want to be mean or disrespectful but I am pushed and pushed until I feel like any day I am going to have a heart attack. I have caregivers that come in and share at least a 100 hours of the week. In the meantime, things are getting worse day by day. Am I supposed to just give in to all my mothers whims. I am sick at what is happening. I used to trust the Lord, read the bible, play great soothing Christian music but I feel that I have failed and grown resentful. Everyone says go out and get a job but at 55 that is not so easy. I want to be a part of my mothers care because I take pride in getting her ready and making her feel like she is 60 again. But this bathroom thing is driving me over the edge. Is there any support groups or something that can give me some kind of direction? I am desperate and want to be there for my mom, but it is becoming impossible. Please help.
Dementia
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Missy responded 2 months ago :
Hi Janice,
I'm so sorry you're mom has got some difficult behaviors. That really must be difficult to deal with. I know it's not the same, but I've got a child who is just newly potty trained and I, admittedly, get really annoyed when we have to spend half the day in the bathroom. If your mom needs help, I know you've got to feel far more frustrated than I!
I, unfortunately, don't have great advice to share, but I'm hopeful someone else will. I just wanted to give you a *hug*.
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Paula Spencer responded 2 months ago :
Many geriatric care managers have a motto: Save yourself first. You can't really provide effective care for someone if you're in tatters yourself. There is nothing mean or disrespectful, unloving or unChristian, about having boundaries about what you practically and emotionally can and cannot do. Obviously you love your mom--you have been providing terrific care for her for two years! But two years is a long time and takes a toll on a person, and now it sounds like (whether because of her meds or other conditions) things are getting more challenging. And that means that your friends -- and your gut feelings -- are right, that maybe you need to make some changes.
Is it possible for the aides providing the 100 hours of care each week to make many (or more) of those difficult hours at night? And/or are there ways you can get away during the day and allow yourself a chance to recharge? A part-time job, volunteer work, respite care, adult day services for your mom, an elder companion for her -- are all ways to separate for a little bit. You haven't "failed" at anything, but your resentment is a natural reaction to being understandably stressed beyond what could be expected of anyone.
Your local Alzheimer's Association can point you to local caregiver support groups--talking to other people in similar situations can also be a real stress reliever. You should also mention this new behavior to her doctor to be sure it is not a side effect of the new meds that could be alleviated. I hope you can get the break you deserve so you can continue caring for your mom in the loving way you obviously know how to do so well.
