Control issues posted by LauraL @ 07:11 PM February 12, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:11:27 -0000

Thank you, everyone. I'm very glad that she's realistic about things, but I still wanted to just be sure things were going to go in the right direction!

I love what you had to say, Stephanie, that preparing ahead of time is being in control. :)

Control issues posted by Missy @ 10:37 PM February 11, 2008

Missy — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:37:55 -0000

That was some really great advice, Marney! ...wait it out, use their vocabulary, do things their way rather than the "right" way. Maybe if I would just concede to doing things this way my life would easier! Thank you!

Control issues posted by Marney @ 08:47 PM February 11, 2008

Marney — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:47:44 -0000

Laura --

You're right to think about your mother's decline in advance! I started helping my father run his checkbook long before his failing vision made it necessary; during that time, he came to trust my understanding of his idiosyncratic record-keeping, and he eventually became comfortable giving me control of this important task.

In the early days, I was often frustrated because my father's processes were inefficient and I knew I could do better. WATCH OUT. It's much more important to respect and understand your parent's ways (screwy though they may be) than to do things "correctly." I learned to wait him out, walk through all the steps he wanted me to take, use his vocabulary, and leave things as he wanted them. As a result, I actually learned useful tricks; more importantly, I made him comfortable. (Perhaps most valuable to me, I also gained some real patience, never my strong suit.)

I encourage you to ask your mother to show you how she does something like balancing her checkbook, paying her credit card, keeping the right food in the kitchen, or watering the garden on the right schedule . . . some task that you and/or your sister think you will have to take on in the future. Start slowly, don't tell her what to do, show appreciation for good organization, etc. You can't guess when it will be appropriate to step in and DO things for her, but that will be much easier if she feels that you know the right way to do it -- i.e., you know how she does it.

Control issues posted by Stephanie Trelogan @ 07:56 PM February 11, 2008

Stephanie Trelogan — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:56:10 -0000

Hi Laura,

I'm in the same position: my parents and in-laws are still relatively young and healthy (knock on wood), but they're not getting any younger. I worry about the same control issues you've mentioned.

I think Nell made a really great point: by planning for the future, our parents can actually maintain independence for longer. I'm going to file that one away for future conversations.

Just wanted to say you're definitely not alone!

Control issues posted by Nell Bernstein @ 05:56 AM February 07, 2008

Nell Bernstein — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 05:56:57 -0000

You've hit the nail on the head here--loss of control is such a central issue for our parents as they age, and it's so easy to slip into struggles over control with them, almost without knowing it. Some of the best advice I got on this front was from Donna Quinn Robbins of Ultimate Moves, a senior move manager and one of our experts on the housing channel of Caring.com. She suggested we talk to our parents about the fact that by NOT planning for their needs as they get older, and facing those realities, they will actually lose the control and independence they treasure; that by taking a few steps that might feel like concessions they will actually hold on to that independence longer. The way you describe your mother, it sounds like maybe instead of trying to get her to let you handle things for her, you might get further encouraging her to keep being proactive and handling things herself. Another great tip from Donna was that even if your parent isn't ready to do any planning for, say, moving to a retirement community, you can bring yourself peace of mind by starting your own file and knowing what options are available in your community should the need arise. You might want to check out the Guide to Eldercare Options on Caring's Housing Channel as a place to start. It's great that you're thinking about these things so early, and that your mother is too.

Control issues posted by LauraL @ 01:45 AM February 07, 2008

LauraL — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 01:45:33 -0000

So, my mother is only 59, and although she has her share of getting injured (she has two Cheseapeake bay retrievers who have brought her DOWN before), she's not in any way in need of caregiving as yet.

What I worry about is that when the time comes, she will be very reluctant to give up any control of things, and try to do things on her own that I or my sister could better do. She's so darned independent! However, she's also proactive and has done some preliminary paperwork.