Choose three words to describe caregiving...

I'll add my three words:

Oppressive - The amount of work involved is wearing me down. I feel squeezed between my mother at one end and my kids and husband on the other. No wonder they call it the "sandwich generation."

Enlightening - I am so aware of what I need to look out for and what I need to do to prepare for my elder care so that I don't burden my children.

Complex - There are so many aspects to elder care, it can make my head spin.

I totally agree with your words and depictions!

In an effort to think outside the box of expected words:

Patience.  Having to listen to the same conversation over and over.  Answering the same questions over and over.  Sticking it out through the long haul.  Putting up with refusals and stubborness and more..

Role Reversal.  Taking on the parenting role.  In my situation, with someone who didn't do a great job of parenting me.

Prioritization.  Learning to sort out what the top priorities are.  Making sure I and my family are first despite all the attention and care my father needs.

Hi Nina!  Role Reversal is right on.  It's sometimes so difficult to strike that balance between needing to, essentially, parent your parent yet still be respectful.  I know my dad, for example, really hates to feel parented. 

Thanks so much for your post!

 Hi,

I think its important to keep in mind that it could be one of us in the same situation. Treat your parent like you would like to be treated. I am 54, and have been totally disabled for 14+ years. My children and my wife,  had to assume a caregiver role very early in life. Who would have thought at 38 years old I would be in need care like that. Patience and gentleness go a long way !!

Welcome to the Caring commnity, Cambrians!  I love your avatar!    And you make an excellent point.  Thank you so much for posting.

Many good points have been made.......I can see myself in Mom's position (in a "crib", in diapers, old, sick, helpless,confused) ......while I HOPE this never happens!!!!.....as in the previous post....one NEVER knows what the future will hold. Role Reversal is a really tough one.....I was never close with my folks & now I am my Mom's major care-giver & her only ray of sunshine when I visit. She is totally emotionally dependent on me & I am not used to that & it is very draining. Thank goodness for modern pharmaceuticals!! (For ME!!!) Patience-I REALLY need work in that area......it is hard to have a conversation with a person who argues that---------------(fill in the blank) did or did not happen, or whatever & does not want to brush their teeth anymore, etc. I've had to "let go" of alot!! MUCH easier on me & by now, does it really matter if she does not brush every day....or every 4 days. SAD-It is so sad to see the decline of a person to such a helpless state that unwrapping the newspaper is too much of an effort........when  she used to be a professor for 50 years. SAD wins, of all of these.

Wow, a lot of very good points and it's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.  I guess my top 3 would be:

Role reversal is tough!  We had to take in my 87 year old mother-in-law to live with us, so we (my husband and I) can "watch" over her more closely since she had fallen and has gotten more frail.  She depends on us to do pretty much everything.  We cook for her, do her errands and take care of all her finances/bills, do her laundry, I bathe her, cut all her nails/hair and the list goes on and on.  Very time consuming and frustrating, especially when you work 50-60 hours a week yourself in a stressful job.

Frustrating- She is so stubborn!  She is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear a hearing aid so the TV is blasting from 7:30 AM to 10 PM...I can hear what she is watching from upstairs.   My husband does not like to argue with her, so he wears headphones to watch his TV. She takes many meds for depression, high anxiety and other health issues.  These give her side effects that she constantly complains about, but she insists on taking the maximum # of pills each day.  She is also very sensitive and emotional, so it's been a tough few years!   I try to convince her that at 95 pounds she is over medicating herself, but she starts crying and refuses to try lower dosages or fewer pills. 

Sad- She has told us she will "starve herself to death" if we put her in assisted care or a nursing home...I imagine others have heard this, too.  She has stopped wanting to go out to the stores or take a walk or visit relatives.  It is "too much work" to her, to put in her teeth, change clothes and get "ready".  Or her arthritis is bothering her.  So, it is sad that she just wants to stay in her pajamas all day and watch TV.  We know she is depressed after losing her husband and oldest son, but does not want to join a support group or talk to a therapist...just wants to take her Zoloft and complain.  But, she is not too overly depressed, because she charts her pills every few hours and does other things to show that she wants to keep living.  So, I am sad for her and also sad for me because of how this has changed my life and not for the better.  I know it is selfish of me to think that way, because we should look after our parents, but there has to be a better solution or a happy medium somewhere.  I feel guilty for feeling this way...is this unusual?  I'm exhausted all the time and never imagined taking in an elder would be so draining....

Kona,

I can totally sympthize with you! Although my mom doesn't live with us yet, I do spend most of my time takeing care of her needs. She is still pretty much self suffieciant on most days thank God. But when she has bad days they seem to go on for months and months at a time often requiring me to stay with her 24/7. That means packing up myself and my dog and staying in her one bedroom apt with her and her hateful cat! Momma has C. O. P. D. , Ostio Arthritus and a few other illnesses that make her life uneasy and my very difficult.

My mother has never had an easy life, she raised all four of us by herself and worked full-time pulling double shifts at the hospital to do it. That left me in charge at a very early age. I had always hoped that she would have a better life when she got older. But that's just not the case. I'm still takeing care of her. And she's still depending on me to do it. I've gone through all the emotions.  (I'm only 44.)  I''ve gone through the anger, depression, guilt, you name it. I've pretty much felt it. 

In spite of it all. I love my momma very much and we are very close, and since I am the only one left, I'll continue to care for her for as long as God allows. 

My best advice to all is Pray.

OOPS Guess I got off the subject a little. Sorry. So I guess I would discribe caregiving as LOVE and PRAYER 

Hi robb4265,

My hats off to you for all you do for your momma!!  I'm glad that you understand my feelings and can relate.  It seems like a lot of these caregivers who write in, are going through very similar frustrations.  It is very admirable that you are very close and still have so much love for her!  You do need to do whatever you can (praying, meditating, doing yoga, shopping or eating chocolate) to have your "own" time and to reward yourself for all the good you are doing for her.  I have to keep reminding myself to do that, too, because of how time consuming and exhausting being a caregiver is.  There never seems to be enough time in a day and I just take one day at a time.

If you can find a caregiver's support group in your town, I highly recommend it!  I found a great one and we meet once or twice a month.  It helps to vent in person with others that are caregivers, even though our situations are all different.  Most of our feelings are the same and it is led by a trained therapist, so it is very helpful...I feel very lucky to have this group!!  It has kept me sane and from running away from home... 

Yes, Kona, I suppose a support group would be a really good thing to have. And you would think in a mostly retirement community we would have one, but , we don't. So, I reliy on the samethings that I always have. I work for a really good home health care agency that will send someone out to take my place when I need a break. I've had one in 12 years. I talk to other housekeepers and nurses that come out to see their clients. Seems that we all have alot in common to a point. I find that most agencies want more family involvment which they really don't get enough of. you would be surprised at how many of the seniors that I know personaly that haven't seen their own children in years. So they depend on people like me to help them out. I use them for my therapy I guess. I don't see any of this as a chore or a burden. It's really not much different that raiseing my own children. Only she's getting older and sicker and there is no school to put up with. There is always a bright side to every dark.

Thanks for your nice note and I wish you only the very best of luck in all you do. Oh yea,  It's ok to run away once in awhile as long as you have someone to fill in for you while you are gone. Home Health is an EXCELLENT choice for the whole family.