Accept the afflictions or fight

If you haven't tried seeing a geriatrician (a doctor who specializing in treating the elderly), that's worth a try. They have a way of seeing the whole person and picking up little clues that most other doctors miss. Definitely worth a try. And good luck!

Great advice about the geriatrician.  Also, I know from experience, that sometimes the docs just don't know.  I am a big fan of Tai Chi and diet changes when all else seems like not working.  For example, my mom discovered that eating 'night shade' plants  (potato, tomato, green peppers)  caused pain and swelling in her hands and joints.  When she stopped, the symptoms disappeared in a matter of weeks. Tai Chi is also great for balance and getting energy circulating around.  Lots of senior centers offer classes.  In a way it comes down to the question of how much energy does your mom have to change the situation.  Are there little changes that you can help with, like diet?  Its not easy.... my dad is totally stuck in his ways at 83.  What's your mom like?

Heh - I'll think about the Tai Chi for her - she likes other people so maybe she'd do it - I sure never thought about it.  Diet - she's completely stuck in her ways.  I bring her new healthy yummy foods and she won't touch anything new.  Completely stuck in her ways.  But heck - excercises classes might make her FEEL like she's healing her problems. 

Geriatrician? I'll check with Kaiser - see if they have one. Thanks.

I still feel anxious about the question - to accept her "age issues" vs. looking for the magic pill. Any ideas on encouraging words that convey: "Be happy with what you've got - because this is it!"

That is always a tough one for me.  I tend to be too direct sometimes, or maybe just not the optimist. But having said that,for me what works is finding ways to be compassionate about other people which puts my own sorry story into perspective.  Pushing the envelop the other way.... Mom , can you help me deliver meals on wheels to shutins?   ANyone else with some good advice?  

Rebecca, I hear you on tending to be too direct.  My dad honestly needs a cane or walker.  He is almost 71.  He REFUSES to use one because he says they are for old people.  *insert eye roll here*  I keep telling him that if I, God forbid, needed to use one at 34 you better bet I'd do it without hesitation because that would mean I could get out and enjoy life more.  Not him.  He's content to not walk and scare us all half to death when he does.

You mentioned, original poster, that you mom liked to get out and be with people.  I wonder if you could find some appropriate classes for her that would make her feel good.  Tai Chi sounds good.  Another option is chair exercise.  Does she like to play games or craft?  Perhaps your local senior center has some suggestions.  Perhaps what your mom is really feeling down about is how her aging has taken her away from things she loves.  So maybe finding ways to still do them, in some capacity, will help boost her morale.

Keep us updated!  I'd love to hear if anything seems to work.

Hi all,

I have much the same situation.  My 83 year old mother has lots of health problems with very limited mobility.  She still wants to keep her home running at a cost of about $3,000.00 per year and she has lived with us for over two years!  I know she is not physically or mentally capable of living in that home again even with some assistance.  Yet I hate to tell her she will never get well enough to go home. Her house is terrible as far as access for a disabled person any way.  I tried to discuss this with her once and she said, "well, I might get better someday."  I guess I tend to be too direct also because I said to her,"Mom, I just don't know anyone who ever got better of old age, bless your heart!

Mom does not want to do anything to help pass the time.  She doesn't even want the tv on most of the time.  I really think that entertaining an elderly parent is the worst part of caregiving.  I don't have a problem with all the other stuff like bathing and dressing etc. but I get really anxious about what to do to fill the time.  Thanks for letting me just talk.  Hugs and prayers to all caregivers! Joy

As far as balance goes, I like all the suggestions regarding Tai Chi and exercise classes.  If your mom needs to feel like the doctors are doing more to help, you could ask them to prescribe physical therapy to work on her balance issues.

I wonder if your mom's current approach to aging reflects a lifelong pattern or is a new attitude?  Has she always been someone who "looked for a magic pill" or is this new?  Has she tended to be a good problem solver in the past?  Has she had good skills at accepting what she can't change and knowing when to do that?  If her current attitude is a lifelong pattern than you will not be able to say the perfect thing that will help her accept her journey.  If this attitude reflects a change from her prior style, she may be depressed and respond well to medication.  In addition, she might respond to reminders of her past successful approaches to life challenges. 

Dealing with these kinds of issues with my father has lead me to more deeply explore my own philosophy about aging and dying.  Of course there is no guarantee, but I hope thinking about it now will help me cope in a more emotionally congruent, effective way when I am facing these issues myself.  It feels like somewhat of a spiritual journey to find meaning in the face of loss and change.

Hmm - this is so so nice of you to respond to my questio, and so thoughtfully. Come to think of it (and I haven't given this much thought until you mentioned it), she HAS always notice greener grass than her own.  At least that has been the form her "attitude" has taken.  BUT - she certainly has been cheerier previously.   She almost NEVER laughs anymore, and she used to have such an infectious laugh.  And her complaints used to be observations, and now they're down right complaints.  It's a pattern but it's taken a serious turn to - maybe depression...  I WILL do as you suggest and ask her doctor to prescribe physical therapy - I couldn't get her to do Tai Chi - but maybe a docter prescription will do it.  And I'll ask about depression med's.   

I know my philosopy about aging has changed - Please let me find happiness in whatever state I'm in - somewhere - somehow - please!  Because she does have a lot to be depressed about - and I'm sure I will to - if I let myself. 

I completely relate to your philosophy!  Good luck with everything and let us all know how it goes.