Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 06:34 PM January 08, 2009

Ninajean — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:34:50 -0000

Thank you!!! That makes so much sense. My Mom was always independant in every way even when Dad was a live. He drove truck and she had to do so much on her own. I see where she might see my husband as trying to take over. Today she and I decided I would get the mail from now on as she feels he is hindering her getting any mail. This site has been really helpful. I am also learning to respond to a situation rather than reacting it's al making a difference. I can't change Moms issues, just my ways of dealing with them.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 04:59 PM January 08, 2009

CMA Careman — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:59:07 -0000

It sounds like your mother's dimentia is getting much more severe. Let me encourage you to seek out a doctor and talk with them. Be sure she is not experiencing some type of physical issue that is taking a toll on her mentally.

The other thing I would mention is what I call "Good Child - Bad Child" Syndrome. As parents age, they form a catagory for the good child and one for the bad child. In many cases, the main care giver is placed in the bad child catagory. Nothing they do is every right and usually they are blamed for things. In our family, my sister was my mother's main caregiver. She was the bad child even though she was wonderful to my mother. When we had to have difficult conversations with my mother such as the transition to personal care and downsizing her home, I told her the news. However, being the good child, she blamed my sister for the decisions. Once that is engrained in their minds, it is a tough one to change. I am not totally aware of your situation but I do wonderful if she has placed your husband in the bad child spot - even though he was kind to move and to quit his job to care for her, she has placed him in that catagory. This was helpful to us to understand and really helped my sister cope with the stress it put on her relationship with mom. For many years, my sister and my mother were good friends. It was as she aged that my sister was placed in this "new" catagory. Many times I personally think, that they make that adjustment because the caregiver is making decisions that are taking some of the control out of their own hands. Once that starts, they want to blame someone. The caregiver unfortunately gets the blunt of it.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 02:53 PM January 08, 2009

Ninajean — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:53:45 -0000

My Mom sees a mix of things. There are people in the neighbors tree and every night rescue attempts are made to help them. The help is a huge light across the lake and cars on a road over there. There are tiny birds she is throwing food out for, and people who hang out at the end of the drive. None of these upset her and she finds it comical most of the time and anoying the rest. These I can laugh with her, but I never admit seeing it. My problem comes from the others she sees. My husband will be outside and she sees him talking to people, he doesn't see. She is determined he is letting people take trees, selling her house, and raking in the cash at her expense. She turned on him with a vengence. Swears he steals her mail, and says she is afraid of him. He has signed an affidavit saying he has no right to do anything, and wouldn't. I try to assure her I would never let anything happen to her home ect. He stays away from her, which is hard since we live in a remodeled 2 car garage at the house. She hid her ss check and swears he took it. Yesterday we had a good day, and I am hoping some has been the stressful holidays. She says she trusts me, and so far it's her and I against the world. The worst part was since I made more, my husband quit his job to stay her with her. Now he is trying to find a job so I can stay home. On the up side it has brought me back to having faith, so I know we will muddle through.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Robert @ 02:05 PM January 08, 2009

Robert — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:05:48 -0000

Thanks for all the replies. They have all been helpful. Mother's obsession with going home has not gone away and we have tried many tactics, some of them successful, some of them not successful. Unfortunately, the latest episode ended in an injury. I had been with my parents over Christmas and it was a good Christmas. Mother was again saying she wanted to go home. I took her for a ride and brought her back one day. That seemed to settled it temporarily. Other times I said we'll go home in the morning.

On New Year's Day, in the middle of the night, she began saying she wanted to go home and packed some things and headed out the door. My father went after her. It was freezing cold and she was not properly dressed. When my father went to get her, she said, "You're not my husband" and refused to go inside. My cousin Grace (mother's niece) was called and came over. Meanwhile, Mother had fallen outside and injured herself. Even though she is small, both my father and cousin had trouble getting her into the house. They got her in bed and calmed down, but she was in pain. By now it was about 3 a.m. They were so exhausted, we decided to wait until morning to call an ambulance. I was out of town on a business trip, but I made the call at 9 a.m. to the ambulance and they came over and took her out on a stretcher. The doctors x-ray'd her and found she had a cracked pelvis -- but would not require surgery. She was in the hospital for a week and just yesteday (January 7) was moved to a nursing home where she is to undergo physical therapy.

She has recovered her faculties to the point of where she was before fall. Indeed, It talked with her by phone three days ago day at the hospital and she knew who I was and wanted to go home. I'm headed to my parents house today and will visit her tomorrow with my Father. He and my cousin visited her last night for the first time since she was moved. She's been asking about her toy poodle by name, which is a good sign. She can sit up some, but obviously needs care and therapy as her pelvic bone needs to continue healing. Clearly, the challenges ahead are more and more difficult. Someone besides my father will have to be with her 24/7, even after she returns home. I'm trying to convince both of them to go into assisted living. My father has strongly resisted assisted living for many years. As a dear friend of my wrote me yesterday, "Growing old is not for sissies."

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 01:44 PM January 08, 2009

CMA Careman — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:44:51 -0000

In caring for my own mother, she insisted that she was moving. This was especially true at night. I would ask her where she was going. She was going home - and for her she was moving back to her childhood home- or she was getting an apartment. I usually did enter her world and asked her when she was moving and how she was going to do it. I am grateful that she always told me that my brother was going to get a truck - "no heavy lifting for me" I would respond. She would smile and agree that Paul was always stronger than me. Many times, I told her we would do that in the morning if that was ok with her. By morning, she would forget all about it.

She spent the last two years of her life in a person care facility. To make it seem more like home, we took some of her furniture, her favorite rocker, her bedside crystal lamp, some of her art work and pictures of her family that were always in her home. On one visit, I found all these items in a box in her closet. I asked my mother and then the care staff why they were there. "She is getting ready to move home" was the responce. I put the items back on the wall. On my next visit three weeks later, they were again in the box. Finally, one care taker asked if they had to be put back up. My mother had packed them five different times. For the last year of her life, they were in the box in the closet. She was moving home soon. She was happier with the items in a box. It is about her happiness, not my mine. My mother has passed away about 14 months ago.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 01:30 PM January 08, 2009

CMA Careman — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:30:47 -0000

I want to respond to Ninajean and her questioning our elders when they mention things that are "not there." My wife's grandmother was still living when we were married 25 years ago. At age 80 she traveled to Israel to ride a camel. Was the highlight of her life to make that trip. When she was around 88 she started to imagine things such as wild buffalo across the street in a field. She would often laugh out loud as "the buffalo were frolicing in the fields." At first we tried to correct her which made her angry. She did see them and "you cannot tell me they were not over there. It is as plain as the nose on your face" was her reply. As a family, we agreed to not correct her, within a few weeks, the buffalo disappeared. If we had insisted on correcting her on this issue, it would have made the situation very difficult.

However, if she is imagining people breaking into her home, unusual fears such as "no heat in the house, no food on the table" then it is time to see a doctor and discuss it with them. There are many causes for confusion that are medical related. Call your doctor, they are usually very helpful in solving the mysteries. If not, get a second opinion. Another idea would be to review all the medicines your loved one is taking. Are they over medicated? Is one medication reacting to another? Many times, your pharmacist can assist you with this.

Have a super day and be encouraged.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 01:43 AM January 08, 2009

Ninajean — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 01:43:03 -0000

The idea to enter their world, is hard. The concept is nice, and no truer word was spoken that you won't win the arguement and they'll be even more upset. Does this include when they see things that aren't there??

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Sidetracked @ 10:38 PM January 07, 2009

Sidetracked — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:38:16 -0000

I would highly suggest you not remove any of her belongings or you may be dealing with another problem. My mother-in-law lives with us and is always saying she wants to go back home. She started out living with another son when my father-in-law passed away a few years ago. This only lasted about 5 months. She packed her bags and said she was going back home then. Another son took her in. This lasted a couple years before she again packed her bags and said she was leaving. She has since been with her son (my husband) and I for 17 months now. She is always saying she wants to move out and go back home. She wants to be back with her friends who she cannot remember their names or where they live. I have not yet figured out what time frame she is in. I just tell her that until she can tell me who this person is and where they live, she will just have to be satisfied living with us. She usually says she doesn't want to be a bother and I reassure her she isn't. She then forgets about it for a while.

The reason I suggest you do not remove her stuff is that she is always looking for everything she has ever had. If she doesn't find it, she claims someone stole it. She hides things constantly, again claiming someone stole whatever it is. As long as it has not left the house, I can always find whatever she is looking for and ease her mind that there is no one here that would steal her stuff. If I rearrange things on her, she gets really upset.

The real problem here is that she had a stroke due to a flood that destroyed most everything she had so she doesn't have a lot of things she claims she should have. I have to remind her of this which, sometimes doesn't go over to well but I do the best I can under the circumstances.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by AnitaP @ 11:47 AM December 29, 2008

AnitaP — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 11:47:43 -0000

My mother has a few times mentioned that she didn't know that this was her house. But the most obvious action was when I get her ready for bed at night. I would have her sit on a chair in her room of 55 yrs while changing her clothes and her Depends. When I finished and she was ready to get into bed, I would tell her to go to the bed while I went to wash my hands. She would get up and walk right past the bed and out of the room. I would correct her and she would apologize for being confused. My thought was that the bed in her head, which is from her childhood, was in a different position within the house and/or room.

Don't move furniture; get rid of clutter; keep it simple.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by LauraL @ 01:17 AM October 14, 2008

LauraL — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:17:30 -0000

"Enter their world". What wonderful piece of advice. And perhaps, you will get to see a slice of the past...

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by MJC @ 05:00 PM October 13, 2008

MJC — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:00:27 -0000

My 94 year old mother has recently been asking to leave and go home. She was really aggitated, not like her at all. I am so glad this was posted. I enter her world with her which is in the 1920's and talk about the house the family lived in then. I do hug her a lot and this seems to help. I will try the late night snack, etal. Thanks for the advice.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Joanne @ 04:47 PM October 13, 2008

Joanne — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:47:26 -0000

After receiving some caretaker counselling (my mom has dementia), I find that the most important piece of advice I was given is to ENTER THEIR WORLD. . . do not argue with them, you will lose and it will only upset them further. . . they need reassurance and comforting. . . hand holding helps as well as does listening to their favorite music. . . .hope this helps. .

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by pugz1573 @ 03:35 AM October 13, 2008

pugz1573 — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 03:35:22 -0000

Hi Robert. I have been taking care of my mom for 8 yrs. now. She has Vascular dementia--late stage, Parkinson's, strokes and other physical ailments. It sounds like your mom may be having some sundowning and is obviously feeling very anxious at bedtime. My mom, after all this time still wants to go home. I have found that the more anxiety she has the more she wants to go home. It really does no good to insist that she is home since the cognitive ability to recognize the familiarity of her home is not there. I have found that instead of trying to bring her back to reality it is much easier on the both of us to go into her world. I start out by asking what she is feeling. It is usually fear. Fear that no one knows where she is. The people she is worried about are all passed on. I reassure her that they know where she is and that because it's gotten late would she please stay with me for the night and keep me company then I can take her home in the morning. This helps most of the time. There are times when I have to give her medication because she sometimes gets so upset that she can hardly breathe. We also have a routine every night before bedtime, at the same time, Tea and a small snack and I remind her that it's her bedtime snack. I keep the house pretty quiet during this time so she doesn't get overly stimulated and have a quiet conversation about pleasant things during the day---even if I have to make them up!! Music also helps--something soothing. Mom picked out her own at Wal Mart and she listens to it when she gets in bed. I hope some of this helps.

Hugs to you and your dad & mom,Terri

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Joanne @ 01:23 PM September 28, 2008

Joanne — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 13:23:11 -0000

If you have not already done so, please have your mother checked for a urinary tract infection. It's symptoms are quite similar to and can amplify the existing dementia, if any. In just a few days of antibiotic treatment, you will see a significant improvement in behavior. Good luck.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by sensei258 @ 08:47 AM September 28, 2008

sensei258 — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 08:47:50 -0000

Hi Robert,

For years I worked in nursing homes. One of my favorite "residents" (she had AD too) used to always say "I finished my job, I have to go home". We did our best to assure her that she was home. Eventually, she passed on. Then I used to think, she was right. She was finished and had to go to her new home, in heaven.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 07:41 PM September 27, 2008

CMA Careman — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:41:55 -0000

Hi,

My mother in law did the same thing that your mom is doing. She had Sundowners and the care facility she was in was so helpful. We stopped calling her after 6:00 p.m. as she would be so confused. If we spoke to her during the day, she was much more reasonable.

With her, the staff could tell that we were staying in a hotel and would be going home tomorrow and she would immediately calm down. She first started this when she was still in her own home. She told us she stayed at a farm(which was 2 miles away), the county courthouse(now has housing in the basement), the local prison (it was newly built and very clean) and also had a room in the basement of the local funeral home(Motel 8 was full that night). It got to be funny after a while and we were anxious to hear where she was staying next. She was only this confused at night, during the day she was fine.

Calmly assuring your mother that she is well cared for and that she is loved is usually enough to get them through. We could quickly change the subject by asking a question about her childhood or a sibling. She would quickly divert to that and forget about the housing questions.

Trust it is going well for you. I have three siblings and we cared for both of our parents plus a mother in law, a grandmother in law and a dear aging friend from our church. It is a privilege to serve our seniors! They have worked so hard to serve us!.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by LauraL @ 04:01 PM June 02, 2008

LauraL — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:01:42 -0000

Hi Robert,

I'm glad you've come by. I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your mother is having, and what a strain that must be on your father and yourself and your other family members. What great cousins to come and help like that; family is so important and it sounds like you have a very strong and loving one, and that's wonderful.

When I was a child - teenager, really, I think - I can recall visiting my great-grandparents and my great-grandmother Mabel did the very same thing - insist to my great-grandfather Charlie that they should leave and let these young people have their house back, they didn't need them overstaying their welcome, etc. And she'd stand up with her walker and try to leave. When asked about her house (since she didn't believe this one was hers, and it had been for many years at that point, and before that, the house directly across the street) she would describe some house from much further back.

I don't know how to help for I don't know what might distress her, but I know that I would likely be curious as to where she feels home really is - is she remembering a childhood home, maybe?

Best wishes to you and yours, and do keep us updated on how things are going.

LauraL

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Missy @ 11:16 AM June 02, 2008

Missy — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:16:36 -0000

Hi Robert,

I sure sounds like your dad has his hands full. I'm sorry for both he and your mom that they're having to deal with this disease. :-(

Is it possible your mom is experiencing sundown syndrome? Here is an article about it, as well as some tips for minimizing it. http://www.caring.com/articles/sundown-syndrome

I'm hoping someone else posts with some firsthand experience for you.

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Robert @ 12:05 AM June 02, 2008

Robert — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:05:31 -0000

My mother, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's since 2002, has been mostly manageable for all these years. She still lives with my father, whose mind is good. I live 400 miles away where I must be for my work, although I'm able to come home frequenlty and stay for up to one week each month. I have two cousins who come in to help care for my parents, cooking meals and cleaning the house. Lately, at night mother has refused to go to bed saying "I want to go home" and "this is not my home." After pointing out all the things the clearly show this is definitely her home, she is continuing this mantra and gets upset when you insist it is her home. This is becoming quite a burden on my father when I'm not here. What can be done to help manage her and reassure her?

Recent Posts in 'Mother Says "This Is Not My Home"' | Caring.com

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 06:34 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 04:59 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 02:53 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Robert @ 02:05 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 01:44 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 01:30 PM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Ninajean @ 01:43 AM January 08, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Sidetracked @ 10:38 PM January 07, 2009

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by AnitaP @ 11:47 AM December 29, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by LauraL @ 01:17 AM October 14, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by MJC @ 05:00 PM October 13, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Joanne @ 04:47 PM October 13, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by pugz1573 @ 03:35 AM October 13, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Joanne @ 01:23 PM September 28, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by sensei258 @ 08:47 AM September 28, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by CMA Careman @ 07:41 PM September 27, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by LauraL @ 04:01 PM June 02, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Missy @ 11:16 AM June 02, 2008

Mother Says "This Is Not My Home" posted by Robert @ 12:05 AM June 02, 2008