Mother Says "This Is Not My Home"

Hi Robert,

I sure sounds like your dad has his hands full.  I'm sorry for both he and your mom that they're having to deal with this disease.  :-( 

Is it possible your mom is experiencing sundown syndrome?  Here is an article about it, as well as some tips for minimizing it.  http://www.caring.com/articles/sundown-syndrome

I'm hoping someone else posts with some firsthand experience for you.

Hi Robert,

I'm glad you've come by. I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your mother is having, and what a strain that must be on your father and yourself and your other family members. What great cousins to come and help like that; family is so important and it sounds like you have a very strong and loving one, and that's wonderful.

When I was a child - teenager, really, I think - I can recall visiting my great-grandparents and my great-grandmother Mabel did the very same thing - insist to my great-grandfather Charlie that they should leave and let these young people have their house back, they didn't need them overstaying their welcome, etc. And she'd stand up with her walker and try to leave. When asked about her house (since she didn't believe this one was hers, and it had been for many years at that point, and before that, the house directly across the street) she would describe some house from much further back.

I don't know how to help for I don't know what might distress her, but I know that I would likely be curious as to where she feels home really is - is she remembering a childhood home, maybe?

Best wishes to you and yours, and do keep us updated on how things are going.

LauraL 

Hi,

My mother in law did the same thing that your mom is doing.  She had Sundowners and the care facility she was in was so helpful.  We stopped calling her after 6:00 p.m. as she would be so confused.  If we spoke to her during the day, she was much more reasonable.

With her, the staff could tell that we were staying in a hotel and would be going home tomorrow and she would immediately calm down.  She first started this when she was still in her own home.  She told us she stayed at a farm(which was 2 miles away), the county courthouse(now has housing in the basement), the local prison (it was newly built and very clean) and also had a room in the basement of the local funeral home(Motel 8 was full that night).  It got to be funny after a while and we were anxious to hear where she was staying next.  She was only this confused at night, during the day she was fine.

Calmly assuring your mother that she is well cared for and that she is loved is usually enough to get them through.  We could quickly change the subject by asking a question about her childhood or a sibling.  She would quickly divert to that and forget about the housing questions.

Trust it is going well for you.  I have three siblings and we cared for both of our parents plus a mother in law, a grandmother in law and a dear aging friend from our church.  It is a privilege to serve our seniors!  They have worked so hard to serve us!.

Hi Robert,

For years I worked in nursing homes. One of my favorite "residents" (she had AD too) used to always say "I finished my job, I have to go home". We did our best to assure her that she was home. Eventually, she passed on. Then I used to think, she was right. She was finished and had to go to her new home, in heaven.

If you have not already done so, please have your mother checked for a urinary tract infection.  It's symptoms are quite similar to and can amplify the existing dementia, if any.  In just a few days of antibiotic treatment, you will see a significant improvement in behavior.  Good luck.

Hi Robert.  I have been taking care of my mom for 8 yrs. now.  She has Vascular dementia--late stage, Parkinson's, strokes and other physical ailments.  It  sounds like your mom may be having some sundowning and is obviously feeling very anxious at bedtime.  My mom, after all this time still wants to go home.  I have found that the more anxiety she has the more she wants to go home.  It really does no good to insist that she is home since the cognitive ability to recognize the familiarity of her home  is not there.  I have found that instead of trying to bring her back to reality it is much easier on the both of us to go into her world.  I start out by asking what she is feeling.  It is usually fear.  Fear that no one knows where she is.  The people she is worried about are all passed on.  I reassure her that they know where she is and that because it's gotten late would she please stay with me for the night and keep me company then I can take her home in the morning.  This helps most of the time.  There are times when I have to give her medication because she sometimes gets so upset that she can hardly breathe.  We also have a routine every night before bedtime, at the same time, Tea and a small snack and I remind her that it's her bedtime snack.  I keep the house pretty quiet during this time so she doesn't get overly stimulated and have a quiet conversation about pleasant things during the day---even if I have to make them up!!  Music also helps--something soothing.  Mom picked out her own at Wal Mart and she listens to it when she gets in bed.  I hope some of this helps.

Hugs to you and your dad & mom,Terri

After receiving some caretaker counselling (my mom has dementia), I find that the most important piece of advice I was given is to ENTER THEIR WORLD. . . do not argue with them, you will lose and it will only upset them further. . . they need reassurance and comforting. . . hand holding helps as well as does listening to their favorite music. .  . .hope this helps.  .

My 94 year old mother has recently been asking to leave and go home.   She was really aggitated, not like her at all. I am so glad this was posted.  I enter her world with her which is in the 1920's and talk about the house the family lived in then.   I do hug her a lot and this seems to help.  I will try the late night snack, etal.  Thanks for the advice.

"Enter their world". What  wonderful piece of advice. And perhaps, you will get to see a slice of the past...