Death While Remaining Present

I sure do understand the hurt and mixed thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing now because I am going through the exact same thing right now.  A dear friend had gone through the same disease with her mom and she forewarned me about the bitterness, mood swings, fighting (physical), and the profanity. I thought to myself I’ll accept all of the others except the profanity because my mom has never used foul language or said things that are untrue. Now she can give college courses on profanity, I don’t know where she learned these terms.

I can only offer to you is to hang in there the best you can and don’t take it personal because the person that was isn’t. She most likely doesn’t remember saying what she has said the very next day, so you honestly can’t hold her accountable for things that are said by her. That is not the mom that once nurtured and cared for you in your earlier years. As much as possible diffuse the matter or say nothing in response to her comments.  I’ve found much comfort in just talking with family and friends and sometimes total strangers that are going through the same experiences with their loved ones. Above all stay prayerful; you are going to need some supernatural strength and guidance to assist you along this uncertain road.

Bless Your Spirit!

RevYarb

Hi Charlene,

I'm so sorry to hear that things are getting tough with your mom.  Though I think the Reverend had some really great advice.  It's the disease talking, not your mom.  I know it has to be tough to separate the two, especially in the moment, but at the end of the day, know SHE isn't saying those things to you.

Have you sought out a support group in your area?  That may really help.  *hugs*

Thank you both for your comments. I tried for months to correct my mom until one day I realized I was using all my energy fighting myself. My mom says she doesn't want me around on the holidays. Mother's day she refused to let me come over and take her out to lunch. I was deeply hurt for it felt like I wasn't good enough  just like the many years that I was never  good enough. Funny I know she isn't the same mom she use to be and I totally understand my mom is gone and when I am with her I realize that talking makes her nervous so when she does go out I don't talk to her and when she says an outrageous statement I just agree. It seems to take all the energy out. The pain of seeing her like this is deeply painful. 

Charlene,

How are things going now? Is it a little better this week?

Bless Your Spirit!

- RevYarb

Yes some better. It wans and wonders.

Charlene

Hi again. My mom is in Assisted Living andx I thought people were responsible who worked there but my mom spent the night on the floor. She slidx dxown andx I calledx when she was trying to get up by herself. Great care when you pay for an enorous bucks andx this is what you receive. I want to bring her home if she would only..... The aids give medication and supposedly take care of her.Oh please Lord help her.

Charlene.... there's the problem with most Assisted Living/Nursing Homes... they are soooooooo understaffed.... most of the employees are true caregivers but the work load prohibits them from doing their job like THEY would like to! Keep in mind your mom has dementia and it's possible she wasn't on the floor as long as she thinks... doesn't excuse her being on the floor...

For your peace of mind, you might look into a private sitter/agency to sit with your mom while she is there. Costly, yes... but if you can afford it it might be worth it.... Getting the proper care for our elderly is sooooooooo costly!!! When I mail out our bills (I work for an private pay agency) I sometimes look at them and go... wow!! But, then like I said, if you can afford it... it's worth the peace of mind!

The more you are around and raise cane about your mom's care the better care she probably will get too... you are in my thoughts... good luck and please keep us posted!!! H

There are only aides working in the unit. They come and go  like flies. Mom' spendxing the night on the floor causedx her allot of pain andx causing me allot of emotional trauma. Being a nurse my body seemed to  want to take her home or at least to take on the continuous mentally care until I realizedx she could hurt herself even if I was there 24 hours a day. That  makes me stressed Andx makes me CRAZY!

Charlene,

The more the staff see's your presence the better service your mom wil recieve.

Bless Your Spirit!

-RevYarb

Hi again, I have almost  run out of energy and strength. My mom is so needy. I am trying to help my sister and keep her from dropping from exhaustion and mom is totally worn us both to a frazzel. She has had a staff member scream that she is a liar. We have been dealing with this, taking mom out to her appointments and while trying to change some of them she throws a fit about going to them all. We receive 50 phone calls an hour from her or so it seems while we try to work. Try is a huge leap from what is being accomplished. Work is getting behind and we have no life of our own anymore. Sometimes I wonder if we are going to fall before her. I know if this gets any more involved I will have to become her sitter. In doing this my life is no more. Fun and laughter are a thing of the past. Only drugery and exhaustion is the forcast for the future. Is there any life left in me; I wonder.

Charlene - I just discovered this blog and read your string with empathy.  Although I have worked in Long Term Care management for over 25 years, now going through this with my mom is a whole different experience.  But I would like to share a couple of thoughts.  Please remember to laugh with your mom and sister - humor really does get everyone over the bad spots.  You are right, some of the same things that happen to her in assisted living will happen to her even if she were in your home - and it is important to try to not let this stage in her disease process take over your life.  I will offer some suggestions - but you may feel it is cruel advice.  If you are able to visit daily - do so at a set time - it is usually much more effective and your mom will anticipate the visit and be more cooperative after a while.  Yes, you can stop in at other times to monitor staff and how your mom is doing, but I would suggest a consistent pattern of visiting.  You do not have to answer the phone when she calls 50 times - set a time frame for when you will answer, every 30 or 60 minutes - sometimes Mom may have forgotten she just called, and the voice mail message will be a reminder that the call had been made - if necessary and affordable, get a cell phone just for her calls and leave a message the speaks directly to her about when you will call her and how to get a staff member to come to her aid.  Yes, she may lay on the floor again, but if you monitor the messages every 30 minutes or so...  About the appointments.  If you and your sister are not making the appointments, you should be and let the assisted living facility know - and let your mom know the day before - and write her a note about the appointment and why it is happening.  If she chooses not to go - is that a bad thing?  Hope these suggestions help - they helped my and I hadn't even considered them until a friend pointed them out - and they were things I had been telling family members of my nursing home residents for years!   The feelings of uselessness and guilt for knowing I am supposed to be able to help her and just being so tired and she is still so frustrated and confused is awful -