Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia posted by mary88 @ 05:55 AM January 05, 2009

mary88 — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:55:38 -0000

I discovered that my mother was an alcoholic about 6 yrs ago when she started having memory problems and after traveling to visit found her living in filth. To make a long story short, my brother, who is a doctor, decided to go to court and insisted on being the only guardian as he said he would be taking care of her for the rest of her life. I agreed because his lawyer told me my brother had assured him I would be included in decisions about her care. My brother detoxed her at home, controlled her money for three years so she could not drink and then she recovered enough to have her guardianship terminated. He disregarded any suggestions I had about putting her into inpt rehab and feels counseling is worthless. She immediately started drinking again and has deteriorated in the last year. My brother is very angry with her and wants nothing to do with her now. She is a very difficult person. She was very abusive to me as a child, but treated him very differently, helping support him through medical school and even buying a house with low rent for him so he and his family could have a decent place to live. He owes her 50,000 to 80,000 dollars. I owe her no money. He states that if I want to come and get her that it needs to be soon as he is moving out of state and he is unwilling to help with the logistics of her relocation by putting her on a plane and sending her here - he wants me to travel over 1000 miles to get her and bring her down here. I'm torn about bringing my mother down here as she will just continue to drink herself to death, but I feel tremendous guilt about leaving her alone so far away. I've offered to have her move down here in the past and she has always refused, preferring tobe near my brother. Any words of wisdom or suggestions? I'm pretty much feeling overwhelmed, depressed and angry.

Experienced financial strain in care giving? posted by Caring Team @ 05:15 AM November 04, 2008

Caring Team — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 05:15:22 -0000

The New York Time is doing an aritcle about care givers and how they go to great lengths to fulfill their desire to provide a home and care for their parents. Specifically, they would like to talk to someone who has experienced financial strain due to their responsibilities. Perhaps you've had to quit your job or modify your home to accomodate your aging parent. If you fall into that category, Kirby would love to talk with you. You can email her direclty at kirby@caring.com

Elder pill addiction posted by Anonymous @ 09:26 PM October 17, 2008

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:26:26 -0000

At this point my mother-in-law isn't using more than prescribed because my father-in-law is keeping the medication hidden and doling out exactly what the label directs. She would if she could get to them and it took a few months for him to get it figured out. She cannot be trusted to manage her own medicine so he has taken this task on himself in an effort to keep her out of long term care. Her physical problems are such that I doubt any rehab accepting her. It's serious enough that she requires assistance with day to day activities and is unable to care for herself. We have been told this makes her a poor choice for rehab and she's in such poor condition she would be unable to attend meetings regularly. Just going for a doctor's appointment is about all they can handle for a whole week's activities. She has been physically unable to shop, get her hair done, or even walk down their driveway to the mailbox for over two years. Her pain and disability is real but her fixation on pills has grown out of control. We're heartbroken and worried. Thanks for the suggestions. Any advice is appreciated.

Elder pill addiction posted by Connie Matthiessen @ 05:16 PM October 17, 2008

Connie Matthiessen — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 17:16:17 -0000

I agree with Melanie that it would be great if you can open lines of communication with your mother-in-law's physician, and make sure she or he knows what's going on, and can hopefully get involved.

It also sounds like your father-in-law could use some support in the home -- would your parents be willing to hire a part-time caregiver, or example, to help around the house? He may be more open to having your mother-in-law go to rehab if he has some companionship and support. Check out our directory of local resources to find out more about support resources in your area, or contact your Area Agency on Aging.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what you can do for your parents-in-law if they refuse help and/or addiction treatment. For your own benefit, I strongly urge you to contact Al-Anon family groups. Al-Anon provides support for the friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts. It sounds like your father-in-law could really benefit from attending some meetings, as well, if he's willing.

Good luck and please stay in touch!

Elder pill addiction posted by Melanie Haiken @ 06:22 AM October 17, 2008

Melanie Haiken — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 06:22:44 -0000

Hi there, I really feel for you as I've had lots of addiction problems in my family. I'm wondering if it's possible for you to communicate directly with your mom's doctor and let him or her know there's a problem with your mom over-using the medications? After all, it's the doctor who's prescribing them, and if she's overusing then she's going through them faster than she should be so he/she's probably at least vaguely aware there might be a problem. Privacy laws prohibit your mom's doc speaking about her health to you without her permission BUT you are allowed to speak to the doc. What I did when I wanted my mom's doctor to know that her alcoholism and pill addiction were worse than she was admitting was I got the doctor's email address and wrote a letter. The doctor wrote back that he couldn't discuss my mom's case with me due to the legal issues, but that he was happy to hear from ME. It's a one-way conversation, but at least this way the doc's getting accurate information about what's happening.

Elder pill addiction posted by jaded_heart @ 03:07 AM October 17, 2008

jaded_heart — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 03:07:12 -0000

It's very difficult to find answers when dealing with addiction. Add in the aging issues and it seems worse somehow.

Elder pill addiction posted by Lisa B @ 02:56 AM October 17, 2008

Lisa B — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 02:56:38 -0000

Hi and Welcome- I'm glad you've found us. It definitely sounds like you are in a tough situation, especially being so far away from your in-laws. Has anyone tried talking to your mother-in-laws doctor about the types and amount of medication she is on? I know they can't give out much information due to privacy laws but it definitely wouldn't hurt to at least let the doctor(s) know about your concerns.

With my mom, we had to resort to an intervention and threats of an involuntary commitment to a rehabiltion facility. (for alcohol addiction). She fought us until the very last minute and then, thankfully went voluntarily. However, with your father-in-law refusing to consider putting her in rehab, this might not be a plausabile option for you.

I wish I had an "easy" solution or advice for you! I know there are lots of us out there who are in similar situations who will post some advice and support for you as well. Please come by anytime- even just to vent! Hang in there!

Lisa

Elder pill addiction posted by Anonymous @ 02:54 PM October 15, 2008

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:54:35 -0000

My problem is twofold. My mother-in-law is in her mid-70's, has significant health problems, and an out of control addiction to "pain pills and nerve pills". I think she mostly takes Vicodin and Xanax and has a "pain patch" that is also a powerful narcotic. Her health problems are real and irreversable, she has a severe heart condition with lots of old heart muscle damage and two or three damaged vertebraes. Her heart problems prevents her from being a candidate for surgery for the back problem, so chronic pain is always going to be a big part of her life. Also, she was on a ventillator for eleven months after the first major heart attack but has been off for almost two years now, so her breathing is impaired without all the narcotics. She is noncompliant with her breathing treatments, but with all the medicine she's over using it seems she only does what she wants to and she's not inclined to do the nebulizer regularly. My father-in-law is in his 80's and just wants her home with him and their life to go on like normal. He enables her one minute and hides pill bottles the next for fear she'll accidentally overdose. He'll complain about how hard it is to take care of her but won't let any of his children help and refuses to consider putting her in a rehab. He says last time they put her somewhere it took a year and a half to get her home so he thinks she's better off there. The other problem is we live five hours away and find it difficult to get there often enough to make much of a difference even if they would let us help them. My sister-in-law lives ten hours away, another brother-in-law lives fifteen hours away. It leaves everything on the two brothers that live in the same county, but they tell us their parents won't let them do much to help either so we might as well accept it. Anybody have any ideas what we should do?

Interesting Article on Eldery Drinking posted by Lisa B @ 03:01 AM October 03, 2008

Lisa B — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 03:01:22 -0000

Welcome and ramble away! I can identify with every single one of your emotions- anger, embarrassment, etc. It's so hard to see a parent live this way and it seems even worse when there is grandchildren involved. I felt like I was constantly trying to shield them from the "real" grandma and grandpa.

As for suggestions, I benefited greatly from seeing a counselor. It helped me sort out the various emotions you described as well as develop strategies to ease my stress level during family get togethers. Al-Anon was also very helpful- it was great to be around those who understood exactly what I was going through.

Please come back anytime to vent- that's what we're here for!

Lisa

How do you find support for yourself? posted by Lisa B @ 02:50 AM October 03, 2008

Lisa B — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:50:20 -0000

I'm so glad to hear that Al-Anon has been helpful for you! Finding happiness- whether the alcoholic is drinking or not - is so so important and very possible. In the beginning, I also firmly believed that my happiness was dependent on my loved one stopping drinking. Al-Anon helped me see that this was simply not true.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

Lisa

How do you find support for yourself? posted by Anonymous @ 08:38 PM September 29, 2008

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:38:54 -0000

Thanks Lisa -- I also want to highly recommend Al Anon. I encourage people to go to a few meetings, because in my case, at least, it took awhile to figure out what it was all about. At first I didn't like the slogans and the sharing, and I didn't think it was for me. But after a few meetings, and especially after finding a sponsor and working the steps,, I recognize it as a wonderful spiritual (not religious) community -- and it has added so much to my life. I've found that it really is possible to, as they say in Al Anon, find happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I never would have believed that was possible.

Interesting Article on Eldery Drinking posted by Anonymous @ 08:32 PM September 29, 2008

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:32:06 -0000

Thanks, Lisa -- it's good to have somewhere to go to talk about this. My father has been drinking for years, but refuses to get help or even to acknowledge his problem. He's gone through 2 marriages, and is now living alone, and his life has grown very small. He has few friends anymore, and seems content to just be alone, drinking. I've spent years going to Al Anon, which has helped me a lot, but I still feel a lot of rage at my father for what he's done to himself -- and to his family. It's such a waste. My children don't much enjoy spending time with him, and I don't really blame them. He avoids family get togethers, and when he does come, he's in his own private alcoholic haze. I know I should feel compassion, and sometimes I do, but often I am filled with ugly emotions like contempt, anger, embarrassment. I know this is a rambling comment and I'm not sure there is an answer, but I'd love to hear from others if you have any ideas, thoughts, suggestions. Thanks

Interesting Article on Eldery Drinking posted by Lisa B @ 01:20 PM September 23, 2008

Lisa B — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:20:04 -0000

I came across this article a couple of days ago and was especially astounded at this fact :

"One out of ten elderly adults on Medicare reports drinking more alcohol than is recommended, according to a new study from Brandeis University. "
http://www.physorg.com/news123962769.html [physorg.com]

One of out ten ! I knew from my own experience with my family that alcoholism can affect anyone at any age but I did not realize how prevalant it was becoming. If you have an elderly loved one struggling with alcoholism, you are not alone! Please post here anytime - we will be glad to support you with any questions, concerns, or even vents you might have.

Lisa

How do you find support for yourself? posted by Lisa B @ 05:10 AM June 14, 2008

Lisa B — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 05:10:38 -0000

Dealing with a loved one's addiction can add an additional layer of stress to an already complicated caregiving situation. How do you find support for yourself? Do you have a friend you confide in or perhaps you attend a group like Al-Anon?

Personally, I found Al-Anon very helpful in providing support and advice. Even on the weeks when I didn't feel like contributing or sharing, it was just nice to be in the same room with people who were in similar situations as I was and listen to their stories. Even though I haven't attended a meeting in quite a while due to scheduling conflicts, I still find their books to be an excellent resource for me when I'm trying to sort through all the various emotions that come with caring for a loved one who is struggling with addiction. One of my favorites is " The Courage to Change" - it's separated into short daily sections which is perfect because that's usually all I have time for :)

I'd love to hear how everyone else finds support for themselves. And if you are not, I encourage you to do so- it's SO important to remember to take care of ourselves too ! Post here in Caring.com 's community and we'll be happy to provide support and advice.

My husband's cocaine addiction posted by Melanie Haiken @ 01:26 AM May 12, 2008

Melanie Haiken — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:26:19 -0000

I agree with Suze that he needs help. The problem is that he has to want that help, it's not enough for you to want it. I'd strongly suggest finding a local Al-Anon meeting; they are technically for spouses and families of alcoholics but there are lots of folks with various drugs as their substance of choice and it's really helpful in terms of understanding your role -- what you can do and what you can't. You might want to try a women's meeting; it can really help to hear from other women in the same boat. It can also help to look at ways that you might be supporting his addiction without meaning to by covering for him, helping him pay for drugs, etc. A key thing that needs to happen for him to want to quit is for him to feel the consequences of his actions. Good luck to both of you!

My husband's cocaine addiction posted by SUZE @ 05:30 PM May 04, 2008

SUZE — Sun, 04 May 2008 17:30:46 -0000

Love him and get him help. I lost my mom a three years ago to nightmarish lung cancer (im talking amputation of two legs and fingers due to microvascular thrombosis) during this and after her death the only way i FELT I could survive was meth, pot, pills whatever i could get my hands on. The only problem with this is that it was an excuse for using, there was a deeper issue, ive been sober for two years now and only because i had loved ones that cared and loved me unconditionally...be his strength it sounds like he needs to do some soul searching but its hard to do it by yourself......

My husband's cocaine addiction posted by Anonymous @ 10:17 AM April 29, 2008

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:17:52 -0000

I am married 17 years and my husband and I have had so much fun traveling with the USN, and enjoying each other, but when his father died in 2003' he was so hurt, and upset with his father's caregiver(his older brother), he start using cocaine. i think he started out with once in a while, now he buys it regularly. I love hime so much but I don't want a drug user for a husband. What should I do?

caregivers quit because off alcoholic parent posted by Lisa B @ 01:41 PM April 25, 2008

Lisa B — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:41:21 -0000

Welcome! It definitely sounds like you are in a difficult situation :( I do agree with the previous poster's advice of trying different agencies until you find one who is willing to work with you and brainstorm some solutions.

If your father is truly physically abusive, however, you may need to look into the option of involuntarily commitment into a rehab-detox facility. You would need to look into the exact "rules" for this but in my state it involved taking the alcoholic to the ER (call an ambulance if needed), and then have the ER doctor on call declare that the person is a harm to themselves or others. Once you have a dr's approval, they can then be transferred to a rehabilitation facility and held for up to 72 hours, I believe. This worked sucessfully in the case of my mother. We basically did an intervention and she put up a HUGE fight, stated she'd rather die than go to a facility, etc etc. She finally wore down several hours later and voluntarily went but I think one of the main reasons she did was because we had the backup plan of "involuntary commitment" and she eventually realized she was going to have to go- either voluntarily or involuntarily. We had the help of a therpaist also with our intervention which was a huge help. After she was there a couple days and sobered up, she attended classes about the AA program and I am proud to say she has been sober for over a year now!

I definitely understand if you do not want to resort to this step- it's a huge decision and undertaking, but I wanted to throw it out there as an option. I know the decision would depend on how physically abusive he is to others and how much harm he is doing to himself as an alcoholic. In my case, my mother was living with us and while she was not abusive, we could not continue to live with her and her behaviors as an alcoholic- especially with small children in the house.

Welcome to Addiction Support posted by Lisa B @ 01:14 PM April 25, 2008

Lisa B — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:14:26 -0000

Hello! Welcome to our "Addiction Support" group. As the intro states, adding drug or alcohol abuse to a care giving situation presents it's own unique challenges. Here you'll find a safe place to post questions as well as share advice and support to others who are facing similar circumstances.

I have personal experience with this subject due to both my parents being recovering alcoholics. I look forward to getting to know everyone better as we come here to discuss the battles with our loved ones dependency issues.

If you're new to our Community, please take a moment to review our Caring.com's Code of Conduct. These guidelines will help you sucessfully participate in our groups.

So, let's get talking! Feel free to reply to an existing post or start a new discussion of your own.

Lisa

caregivers quit because off alcoholic parent posted by Anonymous @ 05:34 AM April 22, 2008

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:34:39 -0000

You're in a really tricky situation here, but remember, caregiving agencies are faced with tricky situations all the time; that's their business. I suggest scheduling a meeting with the caregiver and the agency representative, and just lay all your cards on the table. Explain what they can expect from your dad, and then put in their lap by asking, how do you handle situations like these? Their main concern is going to be the safety and comfort of their employees, so they will want to determine if your dad is ever physically abusive, in which case they probably won't take your case. However, if it's just a question of an unpleasant atmosphere, you can strategize together how to minimize this. They might suggest having the caregiver arrive early, knock, then allow your dad a few minutes to pull himself together before they come in, for example. If the agency doesn't want to take your case, don't panic; someone will. Keep going until you get the right agency and the right caregiver.

caregivers quit because off alcoholic parent posted by Anonymous @ 08:00 PM April 21, 2008

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:00:26 -0000

I can't care for my father, who is an alcoholic with multiple health issues, as much as I'd like. So I've tried to hire help through caregiver services. But then my dad gets drunk and passes out and the next morning when the caregiver arrives, the place is torn up, he's out of it and sometimes even abusive. I've had one caregiver quit already and one agency say they can't help me. I've tried calling the night before to remind my dad the caregiver's coming and ask him to be in decent shape the next day and that's not enough. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Recent Posts | Caring.com

Mother in another state with alcohol related dementia posted by mary88 @ 05:55 AM January 05, 2009

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caregivers quit because off alcoholic parent posted by Anonymous @ 05:34 AM April 22, 2008

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