8 Life Issues You're Bound to Face When Caring for an Aging Parent
As you start down the sometimes difficult road of caring for your parents, you'll confront a range of challenges from the profound to the practical. You'll find it's a life-changing experience -- one that's often as inspiring as it is painful. To get you started, here's a list of the important life issues you'll face in the months and years to come:
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Understanding your parents' life stage
As the actress Bette Davis used to say, "Getting old is not for sissies." Your elderly parents are facing a staggering number of losses -- of their health, their independence, and their dearest friends. You'll find that caring for the elderly isn't for sissies either. Getting through this new chapter of life requires courage, resourcefulness, and good humor -- on the part of you and your parents.
Geriatric experts are learning more about aging every day -- insights that may shed light on what your parents are going through. For example, psychiatrists explain that elderly people often react to the many losses they face by attempting to rigidly control the areas of life over which they still have some hold. This may help you understand why your mother refuses to leave her home, for instance, even though she's isolated and vulnerable there.
Recognizing the impulses that underlie your parents' behavior may not make the situation any less frustrating, but it could help you sidestep a power struggle and work together to find a solution. For more about navigating this new terrain, read Demystifying Your Aging Parents' New Stage of Life.
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Talking about tough issues -- from assisted living to adult diapers
Caring for elderly parents inevitably involves dealing with difficult topics, from where they should live to how to manage incontinence. The way you approach these tough issues is as important as what you say.
It's best to put aside results-oriented thinking for a few hours -- along with your cell phone and pager -- when raising a difficult topic with your parents. You might want your mother to move into an assisted living facility right away, for example, so you can check it off your to-do list. But for your mother, this is an extremely loaded decision, and insisting that she do the "logical thing" will likely only make her more resistant. She'll need time -- and probably a number of conversations -- to make up her mind.
For more about this challenge to your communication skills, read Talking to Your Elderly Parents.
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Family disagreements
You and your sister disagree about where your father should live. Your brother never seems to have time to visit Mom. The decline and growing dependence of elderly parents often creates stress and discord between siblings and other family members, bringing old arguments to the surface and triggering new ones.
Instead of getting mad, get together. If you're sharing care-giving duties for your parents, you and your siblings should have regular family meetings to air disagreements, divide up tasks, and -- with luck -- connect and share a few laughs.
If you and your siblings can't resolve your problems, consider a few sessions with a mediator to defuse tensions before they turn into blowups. For more about managing family dynamics, read Caring for Elderly Relatives: How to Handle Family Conflicts.
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Having the "car talk"
Not being able to drive can limit everything from your parents' social life to their ability to see their doctor, not to mention their sense of autonomy and self-sufficiency. It's no wonder that many adult children say that taking away their parents' car keys was the hardest thing they ever had to do.
There are some simple steps you can take to keep your parents safely on the road as long as possible, such as encouraging them to take a refresher driving course or see a low-vision specialist. And to ease the transition when it's time to park the car for good, a growing number of communities are developing alternative transportation options for seniors.
For more on this sensitive subject, read Helping Your Parents Stay on the Road as Long as Possible, How to Approach With Concerns About Their Driving, and Life Without a Car.
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Sex, drugs, and alcohol
You might assume that your parents are past all that, but chances are, they're still having sex (whether they're still married or not). And recent research has found that alcohol and drug abuse are common but undiagnosed problems among older adults.
If you're worried about your parents' health and safety, be direct about your concerns. If you approach them with information and support and without accusation or judgment, they'll probably appreciate your concern -- whether they accept your advice or not.
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Work-life balance
Caring for your parents, your family, and your job without losing your sanity is no easy task. You may find yourself fielding calls from your parents at work, using sick days to take them to their medical appointments, or spending your vacations sorting through their bills.
Even if you're used to doing it all, you'll likely need help. Start by asking your partner to take over the monthly bill-paying duties. Get your sister who lives across the country to come out for a week to stay with your parents so you and your husband can take a break. See if colleagues can pick up one or two of your tasks at work, and talk to your boss about a temporary leave of absence. Like child rearing, caring for the elderly takes a village -- you don't have to do it all alone.
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Death and dying
It's tempting to ignore a parent's impending death amid the tasks of day-to-day caretaking. But as hard as it is, facing your parents' death and celebrating their lives can help ease the transition for everyone involved.
Surgeon and writer Sherwin Nuland observed that "the dignity to be sought in death is the appreciation by others of what one has been in life." There are many things you can do to help your parents create a legacy that will make their final days more satisfying and give you comfort after they're gone. One place to start: While they're still in relatively good health, help your parents create an oral history or a photo journal that documents their life together.
For more inspiring ideas, read How to Help an Older Adult Create a Lasting Legacy.
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After the funeral
When the service is over and everyone goes home, you'll find that in many ways your work has just begun. Many adult children are surprised by the powerful feelings that hit in the wake of a parent's death -- whether the relationship was a good one or not -- and by the mountain of practical details that still need to be sorted through.
On some level, you'll always grieve the loss of your parents, but the support of others will help you gradually heal and accept their passing. As overwhelming as the practical issues might seem -- from sorting through your parents' papers to deciding what to do with their remains -- they will also help you come to terms with their deaths.
For advice on how to deal with the profound and practical issues you'll face, read 6 Reasons a Parent's Death is a Special Kind of Loss and Winding Up Legal Affairs After a Death.
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I'm going to tell you my side of the story. I am 77 yrs old and am about to be let go of my job. I work part-time for my daughter and her husband. They say they can no longer afford to pay me. I understand that but I'm scared.I live alone and pay my own bills. However, some of those bills were paid by the money I got from working. I do not want to live w/any of my children and they wouldn't want me to.
I am 44 and have been taking care of my schizophrenic mother all of my life. Last month she kept putting garbage next to the curb and neighbor called the police and I got a fine in the mail. I did not put the garbage inappropriately but my mother did. I move it and she moves it back. When the fines come in the mail she hides them. I own the house so I get in trouble. My mother necer asked for schizophrenic brain disorder but I have paid a life time of pain taking care of her. Once I quit taking care of her and she was homeless and I had to get her back home all the way from Washington, D.C. After the police called and said she was beaten up.
I am the eldest son - unmarried, no children - and have been providing care for my mother for seven years in her home. I am working full time which necessitates her being alone during the day. We are reaching a point where she may need someone with her during the daytime hours. I am considering quiting my job, withdrawing a portion of my 401k and providing the in home services myself - finding a care provider seems difficult in a rural area. It is a difficult decision, but one I wish to consider and feel I need to consider.
Sounds like we're in a similar situation. I also experience outsiders thinking my mom is charming but she puts up a front. I feel that the caregiving child of the parent needs to persevere no matter how the parents acts much like parenting a child. It would also be good to discover why she acts that way. I've heard it said that anger is in response to a hurt. My question is, if she's healthy, why does she actually need to live with you. Perhaps assisted living would be a better choice. However, I understand how expensive that is and it's not always a possibility.
My mother (86 and healthy) moved in and out of our home 3 times, before returning last fall "to stay". Our life is a living hell. My 90 yr old aunt and mom's 86 yr old cousin all advise that I just tell mom it isn't working (which they both warned me of) and that I should not feel guilty. My mother is mentally ill and never treated. Appears to the outsider as a delightful and spry person. When she and I are alone she resorts to the verbal slappings she freeling gave during my youth. Negative spirit. Arrogant. I've gone to a shrink who describes mom as narcissistic and says to send her back to her home. My husband who has the patience of Job is urging me to "have the conversation" with her and send her back. Its sad. I am all she has. Neither brother will keep her. Help!
On the list of 8 issues you deal with for aging parent they have the wrong #1. The REAL number one is: THEY THINK YOU ARE STILL 12 AND WON'T LISTEN TO A WORD YOU SAY!!!
I need to get some help in Sept. how can I afford a caregiver?
I've been following the advice in this article, but. . . now my elderly widowed father has decided to remarry (Mom passed away two years ago). He has never made any serious decisions without her and I have been gently guiding him to make the decisions he needs to make. The remarrying one came out of left field! I have tried to lovingly explain the need for considering this path a little longer, but he is desperate to replace my mother. Short of quitting my job, I can't spend any more time with him than I already do (including him in dinner meals, trips, etc.). He has no siblings or friends left and I have tried to be honest with him about the reality of this decision. He has been very secretive about the relationship without cause. I've always made sure he knows he can talk with me about anything and that I respect his feelings. He deserves to be happy, but doesn't seem to care about any of the consequences (financial or legal) that will occur. I'm throwing my hands in the air and have no clue what to do next.
I am fortunate to have a sister who is a nurse and who is very nurturing. She is the caregiver for health issues mostly while I do chores, clean house, grocery shop, etc. It really is a good arrangement, but still very very difficult. I cannot afford to quit work but I have managed to work part time (4 days per week). Although I only spend one full day and a half with my parents each week and talk with them daily, I feel guilty that I don't do more. My mother is really appreciative and cooperative, but my dad has gotten more stubborn than ever. He can't stand the fact that he's not as young as he used to be and he takes it out on the family. It has really caused tension in our family. Does anyone else feel a sense of dread for what's coming, yet feel guilty that you feel that way. This is really difficult.
This is a very good article for us baby boomers. I am finding myself around stage 2.. My parents are becoming less and less mobile because of their weight issues and age. My father had a heart attack last week and they acted as though it was nothing and they did not need help. They are in a denial stage and it is hard to crack through.
I guess your article is helpful for the younger generation but, don't you think it time we heard from the older generation and how they would appreciate someone helping them get their ideas and wants and needs across to the younger generation? We know at some point we all will end up having to have care of some kind but we just don't want to be pushed into things, as your article suggests. How about listening to some of us who are well into aging and still have all our wits about us and also our health. Remember we "oldies" are living longer and in better shape than some of the "youngsters".
My mother-in-law lived in Europe with her youngest son, who at the time was going to the University to complete his doctorate. She had a few strokes and could no longer be left alone in the family home. It was difficult for my brother-in-law to continue his education and take care of his mother. After discussing the situation for maybe a whole 2 hours, we decided the logical solution was for her to come to the states and live with us. Only thing, my husband & I were only married 16 months. Little did either of us realize how difficult, this would be on our new lives. Or, how much she had changed since my husband last saw her 5 years earlier. But for us there were no other options. So at the age of 74, my M-I-L was brought over to the states. (She was a U.S. citizen since 1920’s). The first few years were not bad at all, everyday when I came home from work, dinner was made the house was dusted and the flowers were watered. But then she had a few more strokes, and her mental & physical condition changed. We took care of M-I-L for 12 years straight, she went everywhere with us. We quit our jobs and began our own business and she would come to work with us every day, or we would have someone come in to stay with her on the rare occasions we could not have her with us. We went on vacation, to the movies, or out to dinner, she was with us. In 1988, I got pregnant with our only child. I was high risk, due to the stress and my age. Doctor said someone had to go, M-I-L or baby. By that time, my brother-in-law had finished his education and was married. They took her in for 16 months and on Christmas Eve 1990 she was back living with us. She lived with us another 6 years and again it become too much for us with her and a young child in school, even having a caregiver coming in for 6 hours 5 days a week. Brother-in-law came to our rescue. Agreed to take her for a year and then we would alternate every year. Unfortunately that did not happen, after being with him, her health rapidly deteriorated and he had to place her in a home. Her mental condition, as it was, did not allow her to realize she was not in her own home or that she was the last of her siblings to be alive. She was in the home for a short time when she died during her sleep. Although we resented M-I-L's declining health, we never regretted having her live with us (at least knowingly). We were glad for the time she was able to share with us, of her history, of her struggles, her antidotes and her love for us. And even though she never knew she had a grandchild, her only grandchild new her. We tried to do it ourselves and almost died trying. We believe, if at all possible, keep the family together. If you can, don’t beat yourselves up over it. Just research as much as possible, talk to the doctors and your area’s association on aging, AARP, etc.
I just found this site this morning. I really need the support of others going through the same thing. My mom is 24 hr care (and has been for the last 15 years)she is unable to do anything for herself due to her MS and is leagally blind . She is in a fetal position and dad has a blood diease that has progressed and cannot be left alone. They have lived with my husband and I for the past 4 years. We built an in-law addition to our home to help dad take care of mom (initially)and be there for him.Last fall dad's health became critical. I looked into private services and it is way too expensive. It was more than they took in each month. I left my job late last fall when we were told that dad might not last much longer. My children are grown and gone and now I have 74 year olds to care for. I have no sibilings. My husband is my rock. He helps me with anything I ask. I know that I can never place them in a nursing home. It's just something that I can't do. They are both followed by visiting nurses and I have 6hrs a week of respite help. (This is when I do my errands, shopping etc..) If my husband and I want ot go out. We have to have someone come in. I have already planned funerals and taken care of the financials. When people see me they say oh, I hear you retired early. Little do they know that this is the hardest job I've ever had. There has been alot of tears but we take it one day at a time and try not to stress out too much. I'll go back to work someday......
i took on caring for my elderly dad after he got out of a 3 month hospital stay. I had good intentions but it turned out to be one of the most difficult things i have EVER had to do. Seeing your loved one every day struggle to do things he used to do with ease is very frustrating. My husband helped with things concerning my dad but my siblings (a brother and a sister) just kind of left me to do it all because they had other more important things to do made me mad. it is a very stressful thing to have to do and suggest to make sure you have a backup plan. Do your research and line up help before you take this loving task on. you will save yourself alot of misery.my dad lived with me and my husband for 5 months and then we had to take him home so i could get some rest. My brother is now taking care of him.in my dads own home.
I came across this in the CNN news website and thought it was helpful. My family went through a lot of this with my parents, and now my husband and I and his family are dealing with all of these difficult issues with both of his parents. We now live out of state and that makes it more difficult in some ways, easier in others. Those still living in the home town resent us not being there to help out, but as it is a long drive to get there, it is not easy to. With my own parents I lived only a block away and was very involved, and dealt with my mother becoming angry and bitter and taking it out on me, when I was helping her. She treated my brother, who she lived with in a duplex, very differently, until he had to have the, "It's time." talk with her about a nursing home. Then she turned on him, and was very nasty to him. It is tough on the parents, but can be tough on the caregivers as well, as, often, because the parents are old, and in pain, and miserable, they do not respond to all that you are doing for them, with love and thanks, often the caregivers, get the exact opposite, and that makes it all that much harder. I hope that I am able to be kinder to those helping me, when I am old and need help. My mother had always had a temper, and always been difficult, so, I think as she became ill and felt awful it just brought that out more in her. We all loved her, and tried hard to make allowances for her, but it was still very hard.
when my father died over a year ago, my mother turned into someone I didn't know.. She said awful things to me .. Her best friend that she went places moved , and my mom never drove.. I decided that was one of the things she was angry about.. I had to step back, take a look at how I was responding to her mean words.. I prayed alot, and when she started on a ramble I hummed under my breath. I had to change my reaction to her words.. I realize she is getting a little senile, and with that I forge on with her..
This whole website has been a godsend for me. I lost my Dad on Dec 5 and my Mom is on hospice now and probably wont make it another month. This site is a must-read for all children of baby boomer and elderly parents.
Oh, man. I'm already dreading. I lost my father too young - my sister and I will have to share in dealing with my mom and they're both so darned headstrong and "their way or no way" that I can't even begin to imagine being able to have any sort of input...
This was very meaningful and helpful.