Candle Story for My Mother

LRDarrah made this candle.

My Mother...what is there to say about this woman. She was actually a leader of the women's rights movement long before it was fashionable. Every friend I encountered throughout my youth would say things like, "I have to ask my Dad first" or "My Dad will be so mad at me". It was never about their Mother giving permission or their mother giving punishment. Sure was in my house! Dad was like a safe haven in our house. He would even say things such as, "Don't let your Mother catch you doing that."

Not to say that my Mother was strict or mean. She was just the person in charge. She never let anyone or anything mistreat us. She was a very strong, independent woman from the get-go. She had a strong mind, an extremely outgoing personality and a will all her own. She made decisions based on what she thought was best, always keeping the best interest of the family in mind when she made those decisions. She had a quick wit and a precision tongue that could rip and shred a person before they even knew what hit them. She could think on her feet – never having to wish she had said something in a confrontation – she always thought of the perfect thing to say right then and there.

She was a women to be reckoned with if crossed. Most thought it best to stay on her good side. She loved her family and kept to them mostly. She was a pillar of strength and a endless source of really good advice. I don’t remember my mother’s advice ever being wrong. Not to say that I listened to it all the time, but always after I found she was right, I wished I had listened to her.

I read so many stories about people with AD or dementia that start out, “My loved one was diagnosed with AD in…” We don’t have that luxury. In retrospect, my mother was showing symptoms and signs of Alzheimer’s disease or dementia in her late 50’s to early 60’s. She used to say when she had trouble thinking of a word or forgot a name that she thought she had that “old timer’s” disease. She used to say she was going senile when she would forget to put ingredients in pies or cookies. We all laughed with her at the mistakes she made on a daily basis.

Finally in the late 1990’s, my mother went to a doctor (by herself) and he told her she had some early signs of dementia. Dementia? What is that, we all thought. The entire family just brushed it off as a sign of growing older and did nothing about it.

The laughing and the fun stopped in 2004, when my mother had a mild heart attack. She was in the hospital recovering when we noticed a sharp change in her. The hospital actually called us in the middle of the night to say that Mother was threatening to call the police and felt she was being held hostage. She exhibited classic symptoms of AD, yet no one said the words and we just went on like it wasn’t there. That medical event changed my mother. She was no longer the strong, independent woman I had known. She was extremely forgetful. Eventually everything that happened to her would leave her memory. It was usually a month, or if lucky two months, but she would not remember things at all after a while. Only things that remained constant would she remember.

She grew worse and worse over the next few years. Becoming highly agitated, unkind and suspicious of everyone. She didn’t trust her children or her husband. She isolated herself from everyone except those who came to her house. She slept all the time and was almost impossible to be around. Her family (including me) thought that she was just a nasty person. We lost sight of the strong, independent woman who had taken such good care of us over the years. We now looked at her as a monster of some sort. We corrected her constantly, we argued with her and fought with her. We visited her out of duty, not out of want. We hated going to see her.

We were completely ignorant. Not one of us took it upon ourselves to research her problems. Nobody took the time to find out what Alzheimer’s and Dementia were about.

My Father stuck by my Mother with an incredible devotion. He made lots of mistakes in caring for her that we didn’t even see while it was happening. He did however, love her and forgive her for all things. He took care of all of her needs and provided her with anything she wanted as soon as she wanted it – no matter how ridiculous it was. He never made her do anything she didn’t want to do and was always kind and caring towards her. He truly loved her.

We learned fast and the very, very hard way about the disease in 2008 when my Father died suddenly of an abdominal aortic aneurism. All the sudden we (I) was her caretaker. I had an entirely new appreciation for what my father did every day with such loving care and devotion. I was now in the lead position. I had to do something, because I was torn drastically between not liking my Mother because of her behavior and feeling so sorry for her. She was completely unaware of how drastically her life was about to change. With four jobs, a young son and many daily responsibilities, I was not able to care for my mother on a daily basis – and I knew that.

First, I learned that stress of any kind (like her heart attack and my Father’s passing) can exacerbate Alzheimer’s/dementia. I started looking at every possible form of help I could find. I had home-care agencies, elder-care agencies, and I search the Internet for information and help. There is lots of help out there – however, the hard lesson is that it does not come to you. You must seek it out. A great and maybe the most useful source of information is someone who has lived the experience. Talking to a caregiver or former caregiver of an Alzheimer’s/dementia victim is a tremendous way to learn. However, just because someone has been through it -doesn't mean they did the best things. That is why you need to keep searching and learning. Never stop searching and learning abouthis devistating disease. Your best defence is a good offence.

I dedicate this candle to my Mother. I ask her forgiveness for my ignorance. I plan to care for her remaining years with the best possible care I can provide. That excellent care will come from constant research, learning and very close interaction with my Mother. I vow to spend the time necessary to make sure she is as comfortable and happy as possible. She did this for me as a child and I want to return the favor for her. She is a fantastic person and I have learned a great deal from her and continue to learn because of her. I love her.