"Recharging is absolutely crucial for introverts." – Carl King
Recently, a Facebook friend posted a link that changed my life. Maybe it will change yours, too.
The link went to a blog post titled "10 Myths about Introverts" by writer and artist Carl King. Now, I've always known I was an introvert. Heaven knows I've been forced through the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory over half-a-dozen times during my two decades in office management. But King's essay pointed out several things I didn't know about introverts (and, hence, didn't realize about myself), namely that introverts are a rare breed, making up just 25% percent of the population, and more importantly, that it's OK to be an introvert. I honestly didn't realize that.
If you're also one of the 25%, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. The pressure exerted on introverts to "become" extroverted is enormous and begins in childhood. We introverts frequently are made to feel weird and different – because we are. But we're different in good ways. There's nothing wrong with how we are; we're just different from the other 75% of people.
I mention this because, as an introvert caregiver, I have particular difficulties with The Holidays. I put that in capitals because I'm talking about the year-end holiday season, the Big Holidays, not the other, run-of-the-mill holidays that occur during the year, such as Memorial Day. Those little holidays don't involve the extreme pressure to socialize in large groups (or, worse, host large groups in your home) or shop amidst throngs of people that the Big Holidays do. Caregiving is stimulating enough without all the added bells and whistles of The Holidays to send me over the edge.
So here are a few tips for my fellow introverted caregivers about how to survive the holiday season. I invite you to submit your own tried-and-true coping mechanisms in the comments section.
Shop online. One year, I did all of my holiday shopping via Amazon.com. Some people may view that as isolating. For me, avoiding holiday shopping crowds saved my coping reserves for more important events, such as the family dinner.
Don't host any large parties. Like many introverts, I enjoy socializing with my friends – in small groups or one-on-one. So, if you really feel you want to host a party, make it an intimate one with just a few close friends. And set a time limit in the invitation: “You're invited to a cocktail reception from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.” When the ending time arrives, stand up, thank your guests for coming, and start cleaning up while you continue to chat. Your friends will get the hint.
Pick your parties carefully. If you're inundated with invitations to holiday gatherings, attend only the most meaningful one or two. And when you do attend, it's perfectly OK to be among the last to arrive and the first to leave.
Put yourself in timeout. If you start feeling overstimulated during an event – whether at home or not – find a quiet corner or go into your bedroom and close the door. Allow yourself to, as Carl King puts it, "process and recharge." It's not rude. It's a coping mechanism. You don't even need to announce what you're doing; just go away for a few minutes and then come back to the festivities. Chances are no one will even have noticed you were gone.
Encourage your caree to nap. The Holidays are stressful on our elderly loved ones, too. Whether they're introverts or not, their coping mechanisms and reserves dwindle as they age. By offering them timeouts, too, you can both get some peace and quiet to recharge and then plunge back into the hubbub. It'll be healthier for all of you.
Enlist the extroverts in your life to help. Assign specific tasks to family members: one can put up and decorate the tree (children love to do this); another can shop for that specific gift that can only be found at the mall; another can take half a day out of her vacation week to stop by and watch Dad so that you can nap, go to the bookstore to browse, or work on a craft project: whatever helps you unwind.
Being introverted isn't an illness. It's who we are. You have permission to need additional downtime, to think deeply instead of quickly, to live life on your own terms. Don't feel guilty. Since reading King's essay, I know I don't. What a liberating way to begin the new year!
No I do not think it was rude. I'm talking about how it FEELS to the rest of us when people do the things the author is giving herself "permission" to do. It is like: "Extroverts, you go ahead and do all the work, we need to nap, browse a bookstore or craft. It is just how we are:" Well maybe that is how I am too, but SOMEONE has to be in charge and do the work! Being sensitive to your own feelings often translates into being selfish obsessed with making yourself feel good. When you do that, you often make others feel bad. Go ahead and give yourself permission to be selfish but just understand how you are making everyone else feel. That's what I'm talking about, how that choice makes us FEEL.
And this last entry WASN'T rude? Generally, because introverts are so sensitive to their own feelings, they are also sensitive to other people's feelings too. There's a big difference between seeing someone feeling shy and see someone being rude.
I appreciate the article and really try to respect the "25%" of you and "the way you are", but I differ in opinion about your permission to behave the way you describe in this article. It IS rude to simply get up, leave the area and go "regroup" somewhere else. It leaves the hostess wondering "what happened, are you angry, did I say something wrong, is she upset???" Not just the hostess but the other guests, too. Everyone is left feeling awkward and confused. Being the last to arrive and first to leave is difficult on other people also, it leaves us feeling like you just put in an appearance and didn't really want to be there. That just feels BAD after all the time and effort we have gone to in order to try to make you feel welcome and cared about. As far as enlisting the "extroverts" to help and not hosting any parties, that gets really old, too. It means that the SAME people host the events in the family, do the planning, the work, the hostess responsibilities. Okay you are an introvert, does that give you permission to be the slacker who always gets and never gives back? You are "overstimulated"??? Well I'm the extrovert and I can match your stimulation with BROKE, STRESSED AND TIRED from hosting all the events you are giving yourself "permission" to opt out of and not do your fair share. Lastly, if you have to stand up, thank people for coming and start doing the dishes, don't have a party. I know that contradicts what I just said in the previous paragraph but I guess I would rather not attend a party or event than be embarrassed and humiliated by my host/hostess. I've been to your party before and when you do that to the "75%" of us, it feels awful. I don't understand you guys. Mostly, you just seem rude.
I now have the 'Introvert Advantage' book by Marti Laney, which was recommended in the link to the blog post. I am looking forward to reading it and recognizing that being an introvert is an advantage!
Amen! As a member of the exclusive 25%, it's nice to have encouragement to be the Introvert I am! As with being a caregiver, it's good to hear about and from others who 'get it.' I love The Holidays, but after a weekend full of large, noisy family gatherings, I definitely agree with the article and know I need to make sure I get that recharging. When my hubby (with Alz) was ready to leave, I was, too, so it worked out fine.
Thank you for such a great article. I can only be 'on' and chat for so long, then I just have to get away.
Great advice! Also love the link to the essay. I'm with you in the 25% group and am happy to read this.