Smile of the Week

A reporter from the local TV station in Erie, Pennsylvania, interviewed an 80-year-old woman who had just gotten married for the fourth time. He asked what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the reporter thought. He then asked if she'd mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few minutes, needing time to reflect on all those years and memories. After a short time, she smiled and answered proudly that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40s, a preacher when she was 66, and now, in her 80s, a funeral director.

The reporter looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...  Read more

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving? Call 1-800-555-5555."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty, and you bought it yesterday.

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician, since I was now eligible for Medicare.

After two visits and exhaustive tests, I asked the doctor how I was doing. "Pretty well," he answered.

Do you think I'll live to age 80?" I asked.

"Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?" my doctor said.

"Oh, no," I answered. "I don't do drugs either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain a lot?"

"No, I usually stay home and keep to myself," I said.

"Do you eat a lot of barbecued steaks and ribs?" he asked.

"No, I answered. "My other doc said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I told him.

"Do you gamble, drive fast, or have a lot of sex?"

"No, I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?"

-- Anonymous

Jane, who's 77 years old, loves to walk by the river. A few weeks ago, she was strolling along when she heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

She looked around and couldn't see anyone. She thought she was dreaming or had just imagined it when she heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

She looked down, and there, floating in the water, was a frog. Jane said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me, and I'll turn into the most handsome man you've ever seen -- and I'll give you the most wonderful pleasures you could ever dream of."

Jane looked at the frog for a few minutes and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in her purse.

Then the frog said, "Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I'll give you pleasures like you never had."

Jane opened her purse, looked at the frog, and said, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog...  Read more

An old man shuffled....slowly....into an ice cream parlor.

After a long while, he pulled himself.......slowly.....painfully....up onto a stool at the counter.

After catching his breath, he ordered....a...banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No, the old man answered. "Arthritis."

-- Anonymous

5. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

4. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

3. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN (sometimes)

-- Anonymous

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup, and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive; he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living...  Read more

Watch what happens when a little girl holds a teddy bear up to a window at the San Diego Zoo. It's cute times two.

-- Caring.com staff

Count how many of the following you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Blue flashbulbs
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movies
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Amherst - 0155)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Candy cigarettes
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You're getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age

If you remembered 16-20 = You're older than dirt!

-- Anonymous

Decisions were made by saying, "Eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"

"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties."

It was magic when dad would "remove" the nose from your face.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

A foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Phrases like ally ally in free made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles...  Read more