You Only Need To Ask (But....)
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
People love to help. Caregivers need help. It’s an ideal peanut-butter-and-jelly (or, as I prefer to think of it, peanut-butter-and-chocolate) symbiosis of two human impulses. So what’s the stumbling block? The short answer: The person who needs the help usually has to ask for it -- and in a way that may feel uncomfortable.
Asking for help is hard.
I’m not saying that every caregiver has an army of helpers standing by awaiting a nod. I know full well that families are scattered, or feuding, or oblivious. But willing and able assistance is out there, whether family or friends, neighbors, community members, [local resources] (http://www.caring.com/local), and services for hire. Don’t be your own worst enemy in blocking yourself from accessing it.
Unfortunately, asking for help can make us feel incompetent, needy, or uncomfortably indebted. Givers, especially (caregivers, women), seem to hate to be cast as "takers."
In her insightful new book They’re Your Parents, Too: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy, Francine Russo points out a few other “fantasies” that family caregivers often have about getting help (which prevent them from getting it!):
"I shouldn’t have to ask."
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t born mind readers. Russo points out another destructive dynamic that may also be at work: “Our premise may be: If you were a good person, good son, good -- fill in the blank -- you'd automatically know the right thing to do."
"Help is worth less if I ask for it."
Not so, says Russo. A sibling’s (or adult child’s) help isn't worth less if it’s requested rather than volunteered. Help is help.
"If I ask, he might say no."
Even if someone refuses a request, you’re not any worse off for having tried. Nor is it necessarily a reasonable interpretation (as many caregivers told Russo) that a ‘no’ means something hurtful, or that the other person doesn’t care about the asker or the care receiver. “He might be having a crisis in his life. He might have difficulty doing this particular thing but be willing to do other things,” she says.
"I can’t ask for myself."
Here’s a more subconscious one: Maybe you want a sibling to be more in touch because you’re lonely or stressed. Or maybe it’s something overt, like needing relief so you can take a walk. These things indirectly affect your care receiver's quality of life -- and that’s just as critical as direct help. But if you don’t see it that way, you may feel it’s selfish or wrong to ask, and needlessly go without.
To Russo's great list, I'd add a few more help-blockers:
"I don't want to “burn out” my helpers by asking until I really need it."
Starting early better staves off your own burnout. Don’t wait til all heck breaks loose.
"Nobody else can do it as well as me."
Even if that were true, it’s a recipe for disaster. Letting others in actually shows you're in control -- you're finding solutions for the big-picture of best care. Just don't micromanage after you delegate. Nothing makes a helper want to say “no” next time like being followed around and criticized.
"I hate to bother anyone."
If people can help, they will (it feels good to help) and if they can't, they'll say so. Give them the option instead of deciding for them.
"They say they'll help, but never follow through."
Be specific: Instead of simply asking for help, ask for commitments for particular tasks -- and get dates and times.
"I hate to feel beholden to anyone."
So say thanks with a card, flowers, or sweets. Let the person know you'll eventually be ready to help him or her. Or to pay it forward and help someone else in their honor. Mostly though, remember the first line of this post: People like to help.
That’s been my experience. Yours??
It dos not allways help I have one friend for more than 40 years we used to go out to lunch and shop once in a while ,but sins my husband has alz. that dos not happen any more even do I did talk to her about it I told her I needed some one to talk to once in a while,never mind a shoulder to crey on My husband and I have no more real conversations and that is what i miss most.. I had made it verry clear to her that she was not the friend she things she is ,Well she appoligised and promised to be a good fried again.That is about six months ago we have not had a talk ,walk or lunch yet with the two of us.So you see I will never aske her again
I have a sister who lives in the next town. She was always willing to take our mother when I had to go out of town, which was once or twice a year. However, my daughter realized I needed more relief than I asked for, and she talked with my sister, telling her I need a weekend off on a regular basis just for R/R. Sis was very willing and just had never thought about it before. Now she makes it her business to invite mom over for the weekend usually once a month, more often sometimes. I especially appreciate her now, after hearing how so many people just don't have that degree of concern and willingness to help. Meanwhile, for those who need some time off but don't have a willing family, perhaps you could find a college or high school student who would be willing to sit with your loved one for a day or an evening? Perhaps even for the weekend. My friend has a cleaning lady who also sits with the elderly. .
Well afew weeks ago I did have a confersation with my friend of 48 years with whome I just to go shopping lunch and other outdings but some how that ws not happening anymore I can not remember how the conversation got started but she said something like you are the best friens anyone could have, I blurded out well that is nice but I have nothing on you anymore ( even do we wear there for dinnner) I lost it and told her that we never did anything to getter anymore and that NOW was the time that I needed it She was chocked and told me she had no iedea what I was going threu ? Well she promist to chance that and she did.We went with the four of us last Saterday to the lake and cacino had a picnick and had a great day what a lift that was for me I never realy asked but allways hinted but that apperantly did not registerd zo if you need to realy ask and taolk I am glad I did I hope this will help and yes my support group is great to
Well, at least some of you are actually getting SOME help from siblings. I finally figured it out. They want me to put her in a home so that they don't have to feel guilty about not helping me. They just don't get that if it was them, I'd be there for them also. Tired of asking for help. Tired of hearing how I should be taking care of my sister, when they don't know what they are talking about. Tired of fighting for services that sis is entitled to. Tired of the day to day drudgery of caretaking. Tired of not being able to have a life. Just TIRED!
I went to take my dad to his doctor yesterday, the doctor told my dad he's okay, and he told me to make sure I take care of myself. If find that an ironic statement. when do I have time for myself? He goes to Adult Day Health center in town twice a week, except for today. I am on anti-depressants and my insurance told me I could not receive them on the day I went to pick them up. An Health Insurance mess. So, I went the whole weekend , something I take 3 times a day and missed 15 dosages. I thought I was fine until last night. To speed this up my sister had to get them for me.because I didn't feel I could drive to the Pharmacy while she watched my dad. Why do insurance companies have so many stringent rules ? They make you feel like your a drug addict, well, I guess I am but I an under a doctor's care and a therapist besides. So what would of happened if I drove and got into an accident and one was killed? I don't think I could live with myself then...Make sure you take good care of yourself...don't the insurance companies realize that just getting the medications to take from the Pharmacy is the real stress or?
I ask. I'm turned down. Tired of asking. The usual response is "When are you putting her in a home?". They do not want to help and try to make me feel bad for asking for help. At the same time, I'm constantly being told to 'take care of myself'. Now how can I do that if I can't get someone to stay with my sister for a day, let alone for a weekend so I can travel the 4 hours to see my daughter and beautiful granddaughters? I was very close to my grandmas and feel my graddaughters are being cheated by my devotion to my sister. Guilt sucks! Also, I am always asked how my sister is doing. Only a few people ask how I'M doing. They don't want to know, because they know I need help and they don't want to pitch in for even a few hours. God bless those who do ask me how I'm doing. It's very good to know that someone actually gives a crap about me too. I suppose I'm sounding very bitter. I move back home here because I was told that "We, your family, are all here. We will help you take care of her." They don't even take a turn, when asked outright, to visit my sister when she is in the hospital. I realize that they have lives too, and problems of their own. I just feel like I was brought back here under false pretenses because I get absolutely no help at all. And it is not because I don't ask. So what do you do when you do ask and the answer is always a resounding "NO"? I have applied for a hab-aide and respite care. But the 'system' is taking forever. I make phone calls that are never returned. I write letters. I try to be available whenever I can for my other family members. And if I can't make it to a function because my sister is doing badly they get mad at me. They know darn well that it is not a fun day out when I'm constantly on edge trying to keep my sister acting appropriately. So no, this artical was not helpful. What would be helpful is tips on how to get these people to live up to the commitment they made to get me to move back here.
IAM TAKING CARE OF MY HUSBAND OF 56 YEARS OF MARRIGE AND i DO NOT MIND AS YET i THINK I AM A BORN CARE GIVER IT COMES PRETTY EASY BUT I MIS THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE HELP OR FRIEDS THAT HELP LIKE YOU SAID EARLYER THEY DO NOT GET IT i DO HINT AT THIGS THAT i NEED HELP WITH BUT NO ONE WILL SAY I BE HAPPY TO DO IT, MY FRIEND IN WHO LIVES 12 OURES DRIVING FROM HERE GOT SICK CANSER WE WHERE THERE IN LESS THAN WA WEEK TO TAKE CARE OF HER NO ONE ASKED ME I NEW SHE NEEDED ME AND SO MY HUSBAND AND I SPEND 4 WEEKS AFTER SCHE GOT HOME FROMTHE HOSPITAL AND I TOOK CARE OF ALL I COULD WY MY FRIEND HERE CAN NOT DO SOME OF THAT I DO NOT GET IT ,SO I GO IT ALONE AS LONG AS I CAN MY DOAUGHTER LIVES IN TEXAS OUR SON IN OREGON THEY ARE TO FAR AWEY TO HELP BUT AT LEATST MY DAUGHTER CALLS 3-4 TIMES A WEEK AND IT FEELS GOOD, MY SON OR HIS WIFE ? i ALWYS CALL SOMETIMES I SCIP A WEEK TO SEE IF THEY CALL? NO SUCH LUCK I AM LUCKY SO FAR THAT MY HUSBAND IS EASY GOING AN D MAYBE HE WILL STAY THAT WAY FOR A LONG TIME
Great reminder. Only about 92% of the reasons for not asking for help run through my mind when I think about asking for some help with my mom. The other 8% I had not thought of. I'm getting better, but asking is still a struggle. arnick's post made me so happy (hurrah for a trip with your church!) that I'm going to remind myself of it next time I need help and find myself talking myself out of asking.
i agree that caregivers need help but we don't like rejection. We tend to take it personal,forgetting that the person that we ask may just not be able to do it right now. Don't just say I'll never ask them again,ask if maybe there would be another time that they could help.Most people are not selfish. i wanted to travel with my church,but turned down the opportunity because i thought that i could not ask any one to care for my mom for two weeks. i finally got the nerve to ask when my daughter pointed out to me that I was not the only sibling,and people don't know that you need help if you don't ask. So i asked and they agreed to take turns caring for her while i am gone. My daughter reminded me that they won't do it like you and don't try to tell them how to do it. Just make sure that they understand what needs to be done,and leave it in God's hands. That is who cares for her every day any way just using me.So i'm leaving in two months with my church.i think that sometimes we have not because we ask not.i think that if we wait until we think that we are overwhelmed,we are already burned out and burned up. We need to know when to ask for help before all heck breaks loose. i'm realy excited about going,and i see it as a way for my siblings to see what is really going on. i hope that it opens their eyes to the fact that caregivng is not for the weak. i hope that this note gives some one else the courage to ask for help before they are burned up.I know that every situation does not work out this way,because we all have different circumstances,but if we don't continue to seek help we won't get help. i know that a lot of us don't have family close but talk about how it can be worked out. Join a support group,talk to friends,stay connected to other people,don't give up.