Caregiver Anger and Guilt

What Getting Mad at Your Loved One Says About YOU


Last updated: April 19, 2011
I'm So So Mad

No, it's not all sweetness and light taking care of an aging loved one. They can make us mad. Very mad. Very, very, very mad.

Take, for example, some things I've heard caregivers say (or, uh, said myself. . . though I won't say which ones!):

  • "I try to do something nice for her and she ignores it, or complains!"

  • "She makes me so mad because she doesn't trust me!"

  • "I could throttle him when he launches into that same story again. . . ."

  • "How can I help but lose my temper with my mom when she ticks off the aides I've so carefully hired?"

  • "Why why WHY does he keep doing that? He should know better!"

  • Fill in your own blank!

What follows when our loved ones make us angry is often worse than pure anger: It's anger mingled with guilt. We feel guilty because often the person can't help being the way he or she is (dementia, depression, difficult illness). We feel guilty when we keep the upset feelings bottled up and simmering inside. We feel guilty when we snap and say something rude or sharp to the person. We can't win.

So here's one guilt-soothing thing to remember about caregiver anger: It reveals something very important about you.

No, not that you're short-tempered or foul-natured. Not that you lack self control. Not that you're uncaring or mean. Not that you're even doing anything terribly wrong, really.

Getting mad at your loved one when you're a caregiver reveals this about you: You're human.

You're only human.

So stop beating yourself up for what are, let's face it, often perfectly natural responses to extreme stress. Do work on reducing the causes of that stress. But don't add to your misery with a needless layer of guilt.

If you neverevereverever get mad, hats off; you're human, too, though with a much longer fuse than the rest of us. But if you're like the rest of us, you've gotten mad before, and you'll be mad again.

And it's okay. Because it's normal.

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66 Comments So Far. Add Your Wisdom.

6 months ago

Thank you for responding, CA-Claire. I'm sorry I haven't been back in all this time. Needless to say, life has been hectic and beyond miserable. My husband was diagnosed with hydrocephalus (NPH), with the classic triad of symptoms: dementia, shuffling gait/imbalance, and incontinence. He was deemed ineligible for shunt surgery, so his symptoms will progress over time. As I said before, his behavior had also changed dramatically for the worse. I no longer knew the person I had been with for 29 years. He consented to starting Cymbalta this past month and this has improved his behavior, however, in the past couple of days or so, it has reverted back to abuse. His daughter finally agreed that it is time to have him placed in a facility where his needs can be better met. Although the thought of that is intensely sad for me, ending a very important chapter of my life, I know it's for the best. We just need to figure out a way to get him to consent. It's all so bewildering and I'm afraid of his reaction.


9 months ago

I wrote something before,, it is hard , my mom wants me home with her,, I can't go out for awhile she gets mad, she is always yelling , like when i was a kid,,,just want some time to myself,, I do try to go sit in th park for a while ,,she's starting to fall ,I don't know if she gets dizzy or they're seizures,, fights with me to go see a Doctor...but now I know its th age n her illness..And i make efforts to leave for awhile,,I MAKE IT A MUST,,


9 months ago

tht i'm not crazy,,tht it's allright to feel this way..


10 months ago

Hi Damar - Welcome to an area that all Caregivers have difficulty with at one time or another! Although your information does not include what condition your husband has, as a caregiver, you end up needing to take a role which may not have been your behavior in the past. Sometimes it's easier to state it this way, especially if you have children, most of the time, being the caregiver puts you in a Parent (you)/Child (spouse) role situation. You can gradually go into that role, or switch back and forth between spouse/parent role, as it sounds like your husband is sometimes 'lucid', so you can soften the parent side then, but abusive behavior should NEVER be tolerated, and if he becomes physical when he is not 'lucid', then you need to have him live somewhere else with professionals that can deal with that type of behavior. Take care, and write us often to let us know how you're doing!


10 months ago

In my first year as a caregiver to my husband, I started out being quiet, nice, acquiescent, despite his verbally abusive behavior. Months later, I find that I am getting increasingly angry at him and at myself for having tolerated this behavior for so long. Disease or not, no human being should have to endure abusive behavior. We will be seeing a specialist next week and, hopefully, there will be some concrete answers and remedies for his behavior, but I have found that when I stand up to him (he's still lucid most of the time), I feel better about myself and he actually seems to calm down more quickly. Strange.


about 1 year ago

It's so hard to not feel bad. My mom moved in with us last Oct. being a only child Iam all she has. But it's very hard not to get mad and upset not having time to myself anymore. She doesn't drive anymore so I have to take her every place. She tries to run my house putting things away we I can't find them . Everything has to be her way and never let's me have a say. I feel trapped in my home . We have to eat at noon and supper at five not something I'm use to also I have to do all,the cooking. She will be 85 next week any really not in bad health. As for me I'm 65 and feel,like the one that is old. At night I got to bed and pray that I can deal and not snap or be upset with her.


about 1 year ago

So many of us have had the same things happen. We need to find a cure or prevention of most dementia. Some are caused by head injuries and other things that happen. Anger and guilt at the same exact time causes all of us pain and anguish. you feel so guilty feeling so angry. It is very hard not to reply when they start up. Mom will flatly state incorrect things. I walked up to her the other day Hi Mom; oh its you!! what did I miss??? You didn't come for Christmas, not even a call. I went to your house and rang the doorbell and called you several times. no answers. huh? It's April Mom and I was here for Christmas. You have no phone, no car. The other lady gave me dirty looks too because she believed Mom. I left. The only way we can stay sane is to go for counseling to someone who knows about dementia. My therapist works everyday with it at the hospital. I now know I can get up and Walk out and turn it off most of the time. I get very mad when someone else outside says BUT IT IS YOUR MOTHER. She took care of you. I know that. But her mind is shot. Taking what she hands out constitutes abuse and that pulls you down. The nurses, caregivers, therapist all say at that point LEAVE. Come back tomorrow. Come back later. it can be completely different and I've seen it. I saw her change personalities within her own conversation. Remind yourself; this is a disease. She can't help it But you don't have to take it.


Anonymous said about 1 year ago

I am always asking for patience from above, I still have a hard time repeating the same thing over and over. I get frustrated and have an edge on my voice. I haven't gotten to the point that I don't feel guilty, I hope I can get there. I knew along time ago I would have to do this, I got her into assisted living, so I don't have 24/7, I helped her (Mom) take care of my Dad and her second husband. I just was hoping I would have a brother who would of stepped up to help. In stead they moved near his wive's daughter (which they will need help). Now he is very ill himself, so all I can do is my best, thank my loving husband for understanding and my wonderful daughter in law for being there when we take our vacations.,. I see I am blessed by just reading these blogs, I need to be reminded I am blessed...Thank you all for posting your feelings, tips and prayers to all of you caregivers..


about 1 year ago

Anger mingled with guilt. EXACTLY!! Thank you for validating my feelings and not making me feel MORE guilty!


about 1 year ago

Thank you, not feeling so alone or like I can't handle it now.


about 1 year ago

it just happens...no fault of you, qandno fault of your loved one...Iegt mad at my precious Lady, and then at me for getting upset....and then I have to remember how much I love her, and each day is a gift from God...and I am getting things undr control after 5 years 24/7...but that is what she did for me..I am disabled...now 33 years...she has been there 24/7,altho she had to go to work....and we raised 4 kids...she kept on keeping on, and I never ever seen her get mad at me.....she is a saint


about 1 year ago

What a brave person you are CarolMarie to ask Heavenly Father to give you patience - he gives opportunities to practice patience.... Some of my friends tell me that I am an extremely patient person. How incorrect they are - my mind is going 1000 miles a minutes screaming about hurry, hurry hurry. Luckily they are not mind-readers. I do my best, and leave the rest to Heavenly Father, as he promises to make up the difference.


about 1 year ago

Thank you. I have felt guilty. Now I know I'm human. Lord, patience , please!


about 1 year ago

getting angry is quite normal. I am not alone-my dem. Alz support group is a real blessing to me. I pray for all of you.


about 1 year ago

When my Mom was in Hospice care a year and a half ago, it came out that even though I'd been helping them with their healthcare for 4 years at that time, she did not trust me. She couldn't remember what Dr's said because of dementia (caused by pain), but she didn't trust me. She also didn't trust me around Dad - evidently never had from the time I was born. Just one of those really odd things. My Dad, on the other hand, trusts me completely with his healthcare. He finally started thanking me for taking care of them AFTER Mom was terminal in Hospice care at home. Although he says thank you, he really doesn't understand how much of a commitment it has been to take care of them (Mom passed after being in Hospice care 10 weeks). It has been a big, hard hit to me professionally, financially, personally, emotionally, and socially. Not to mention to my health as well.


about 1 year ago

You sound like you were at my house last night, my aunt who is 93 lost her step brother Easter Friday, he lives in Montana and his daughter infomed me Friday night on my AOL account, that I hardly have time to look at on the weekends, So I get her message yesterday, monday, and tell my aunt when I get home of his passing, later in the evening when I was shutting her curtains, she thru a torn up letter she had written him yesterday in my face and said I knew since sunday and didn't tell her. There are times when I want to put her in nursing home so bad, I rarely get mad, but it's happening more and more, I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.


over 2 years ago

Knowing tht what I have been feeling is normal.And not to feel guilty,cause.I'm trying my best..My anger is due to no help .There r times when she gets frustated n forgets things ..And I try to tell her it's ok'' THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE''


over 2 years ago

Thanks for this article. I am a professional caregiver and chose to marry someone with a disability. Lots of pie in the sky ideals about my abilities and help from others that doesn't materialize in the real world. But I'm learning to take care of myself in this process. Few understand the real feelings we end up having. It's a relief to be reminded it's because we're only human.


over 2 years ago

hI EVERYONE HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL CAREGIVERS, I'LL BE PLACING MOM INTO A NURSING HOME ABOUT 19 MILES AWAY FROME OUR HOME THE NURSING HOMES AROUND HERE WILL NOT TAKE HER UNITED HEALTH SO I FOUND ONE IN WARWICK,RI. THAT SHE'LL BE MOVING INTO ON JANUARY 30. I HAVE TO GO INTO THE HOSPITAL ON FEBRUARY 3RD TO HAVE A LEFT KNEE COMPLETE REPLACEMENT THEN I'LL BE GOING INTO THE SAME NURSING HOME FOR REHAB. SHELL BE UPSTAIRS AND I'LL BE DOWN STAIRS FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS WHILE I GET BACK TO WALKING WITHOUT THE PAIN THAT I'VE BEEN IN FOR THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF. THIS ALL STARTED WHEN I USED TO JOG 15 MILES A DAY AND IT PUT WEAR AND TEAR ON THE JOINTS AND I LOST ALL CARTLIGE IN BETWEEN THE BONES. SO PLEASE EVERYONE BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN YOU RUN SO THAT YOU DON'T DAMAGE YOUR BONES OR LIGAMENTS. I'LL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ALL OF YOU. MOM IS GOING TO BE STAYING IN THE NURSING HOME AFTER I'M RELEASED SO THAT SHELL GET THE CARE THAT SHE NEEDS AROUND THE CLOCK. I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW BUT I'M GOING TO NEED TIME TO HEAL MYSELF, IF YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I,M TRYING TO SAY...


over 2 years ago

I applaud every one of you above. I care for my mom who turns 93 tomorrow. Caregiving is a very difficult job indeed. I think however we can all agree...despite "losing" it from time to time we can all go to bed at night and know we are doing a wonderful thing for another person. I no longer feel guilty when I get frustrated. This is a job where we dont get sick days, vacation days, bonuses, christmas parties...its a 24 hour seven day a week position. For the most part I do try hard to have a sunny attitude despite sometimes gray days....I of course have my moments but do try hard as my life is ticking and short also. I find forums like this so wonderful...reading others stories makes me feel accountable to you all. when I speak to my friends who dont have elderly parents and i vent the response normally is you need to have patience...she is 93 after all....people need to walk the caregiver walk in caregiver shoes. as a hobby for my therapy I started a blog and website....www.50plusstickingtogether.com....Im 52...Im married 31 years....we have a 24 year old son who just moved in with his girlfriend....I am a great friend, I love to cook bake laugh, read....and sharing all the stories of my life...but I dont want to define myself as just a caregivier...Im 50 something and despite the hand dealt these truly are the best days of my life.....if you would like to have some fun conversation regarding what we 50 somethings go through....menopause, empty nest...you name it....pop in...and sure....we can vent about caregiving also...we are only human....we need each other.....


over 2 years ago

i applaud every one of us. I also am caregiver of my Mom who turns 93 tomorrow. We are human. this can be a tedious job and not one where we get vacation days or bonuses or christmas parties....its a job with no paycheck but at the end of the day I think we all can agree we are good people and can put our heads on our pillows knowing we are doing something very kind for someone despite "losing it sometimes". I am so happy for blogs and forums like this one. Its nice to be accountable to others and speak feelings. When I tell most people my frustrations they say, you shouldnt say that...afterall she is 93....walk in the caregivers shoes sometimes please....!!!!!....I love my mom but it does get stressful. I do try to bring sunshine into the day somehow. As a hobby I started a blog and website...www.50plusstickingtogether.com....yes, Im a caregiver....but Im also a wife for 31 years, Im a mom of a 24 year old son who is a police officer....Im a friend..I love to cook, laugh, read...so much more to me than just caregiver....would love to make more friends so pop in some time....


over 2 years ago

Personally it is diffiuclt not to be angry with my sister and two brothers who do very little to help. When do they show up it is more to see Mom than to be of any help to me. I still prepare the meals, have her meds ready, make sure she is receiving the correct amount of insulin. Another thing that gets to me are all the people who always ask about my Mom. I am grateful that they care and want to keep up with her, but it seems that is all they know about me or that is all that is going on in my life (which is pretty much true, but hey!). It is sometimes tempting to respond 'who cares, I am exhausted, and the hour or so I manage to get away for church, I do not want to have to think about that is going on home" (which I do since she has fallen so much). Thanks for letting me vent and especially for the great article.


over 2 years ago

Hello from Rhode Island, I'm going to have to place my mom into a Nursing Home about the end of January and I feel really bad that I'm letting her down. I have to go into the hospital on Febuary 3 2012 and have a complete knee replacement. I've been the soil caregiver to my mom 24/7 for the last two years since she came down with Alzhimers and I'm going to try and go into the same Nursing Home for my Rehab. But like I said I feel really bad that I have to place her there I made a promise to my dad I would always look after mom if she got sick. Dayle


over 2 years ago

Oh, how I understand the heartache that you all have or had. My Mother had dementia. I was driving 100 miles round trip from where I lived to see that Mama had what she needed, food, clothes washed, etc. and Dr.'s appointments during the week. Her Dr. told me that I needed to move in to live with her or take her to my home. Mama had given me her home many years earlier to keep it in the family...away from my only sibbling who was given much from her and my Dad when he was living. I had hurt my back in an accident so was not working and divorced with 1 underage son that moved with me. Mama began getting worse in mind and body. I had no life such as dating, getting out for anything. I would take Mama with me and try my best to keep her clothes on her! When anyone came to see me, male or female she would put her legs up over the chair and pass gas so soon I had no visits from anyone. I would sleep when I could, wake up and she would be urinating on me or have played in feces and wipe it on me, the walls, whatever. She began having more and more TIA's (small strokes) and couldn't walk and I couldn't lift her so after 4 years, I made the decision to put her in a Nursing Center where she lived for 6 years until she had a large stroke. She was in the hospital for about 3 weeks and against her doctor's wishes I talked him into letting me bring Mama back home to die. The Dr. had all set up for me just like a hospital room with Hospice. Hospice is good but there's not much help. I had 1 brother who died last week still holding a grudge because Mama had given me her home. My parents had bought land and helped him build a nice home that he lost in a divorce. Then he married 3 more times, OH..so much more... He would not come to see her those 26 days that she lived after bringing her back home nor while in the Nursing Ctr.. Mama died in 1999. All this time, my brother obviously held a grudge against Mama and myself. I went to my brother's funeral and was treated so hateful and told that the only way to "make it right" is to sell my home and give the money to his adult children! Thank you for the outlet to tell what I've gone through.


almost 3 years ago

My mother is 91. She has diabetes and requires insuline. I am a depressive person and also a diabetc. She lives with me for the past 10 years. It has been hard to work from home as a freelance software developer and take care of her, at the same time. In recent years it has been harder since I have been loosing income as clients are becoming scarce. But what you all have said reflects that, as humans, we are not alone. Your experiences comfort me as they prove that other people feel like many times I have felt. Your shared experiences give me additional strength to keep doing what I have to, with love and all my heart. By the way, I live in a small country in Central America, named Costa Rica. Here we do not have the resources that are common in big countries, but have the same needs as well. Anyway, the best support I have comes from God. From him I have learned the need to forgive myself when I, as a human, feel that I could have done better in caring for my mother.


almost 3 years ago

To all the caregivers Happy belated Easter, mom and I spent quiet time at home and she wanted Pizza for her Easter Dinner so I made what she wanted . My brother never called mom to wish her a happy Easter so I made it the best I could for her. She was thrilled when I gave her Easter gift which was I colored her hair gave her bath and then set her hair after. When I was all done she came out of the bathroom grabbed me and planted a kiss on my cheek and said to me Thank You for all that you do for me I appreciate every thing you do for me. I'm only human and she is the one who gave birth to me 63 years ago and it's come a full circle. I'll be there for her till she takes her last breath. Well my friends I'll close for now and take her to the adult day care. Remember we caregivers are only human just do the best you can for your lovedones and you'll get your reward in the end!!!!!!!


almost 3 years ago

Amazes me how these articles speak to our situation of the day. I no longer beat myself up when I loose it as typically before the last burst of steam releases my Mom has moved on to something else. In the past I would still be fuming and my Mom had no idea why.


about 3 years ago

Hugs and prayers to all caregivers!!! I know taking care of my sweet hubby wouldn't be as hard if I wasn't also deeply grieving for this gradual but inevitable loss of my friend, lover, and companion. When he aggravates me, I know it's never on purpose - it's the Alz making him different than he would like to be. So getting angry at him makes me feel horrible. Fortunately, he is still loving and forgiving, so we cry and hug and move on. To all of us, wishes for STRENGTH and COURAGE and PEACE as we meet our challenges.


about 3 years ago

Thank you so much for this article. It could not have come at a better time. The holiday just passed with it's own level of frustrations and have to say I made comments (in my own frustration) that I wish I hadn't. Thanks for reminding me of my humanity. I share caregiving with my sister and her partner, of our dear old Mom. From other accounts on here, she really isn't too bad, she just slips into what I term as "potty talk" nearly constantly. There are no barriers and she was about to meet my new partner's family for the first time yesterday. I warned her not to get into her potty talk and she remained silent for nearly the entire afternoon. When she returned to my sister's home (where she lives now) she was just as silent and went to her bedroom early without being asked. My sister asked me this morning what had gone on to make Mom so silent. I told her the only thing I could think of was my warning to her about the potty talk. My sister then became silent. I said if there was anything I did wrong I would apologize to Mom. I hate to disourage Mom or make her any sadder than she already is, but at the same time I didn't want her conversation to ruin a good day and a family celebration. Would I have been embarrased? Yes. Perhaps it is more about me than the conversation. Thanks for letting me vent everyone.


about 3 years ago

It's not so much anger for me but a feeling of guilt and loss. I have been trying to take care of my mother at home at night and weekends with in home care for her during the day. Some days she does quite well. She is happy or at least content. Then that changes to overwhelming fear, anxiety and paranoia regardless of medications. I just can't deal with constantly being woken up several times in the middle of the night anymore. I made the difficult decision to move her to a nursing home this week and will have to lie to her to get her in the car to go. Add the financial and legal worries to the guilt and I start to get completely overwhelmed. I'm sure none of this is new to anyone here. I just needed to share it with somebody.


about 3 years ago

Just knowing that I'm not alone. My feelings are not negitive they are human.


about 3 years ago

Thanks everyone for the kind words, We just had company overfor a spagetti dinner and my neice Tracey was very helpful with looking after her grandmother so I could take a little break. Tracey is my sisters daughter and my sister does't even call her or her two grandchildren. When I have to go to my Diabetic support group on Wednesday I drop mom off at Tracey's ,she is my seconday caregiver and she trys to help me out a little because I'm with mom 24/7,7days a week. I was surpised when Tracey was leaving today she Thanked me for taking care of her Grandmother, also She told me that she thinks of me as her mom, I'm her Godmother and that was a great feeling when she said that because her own mother does't give her the right time of day. I wasn't as fortunate as my sister or brother to have any children my brother has 1son and 2daughters. His son lives with him in Virgina Beach and the two girls don't even speak to their dad let alone their grandmother. I saw 1 of the girls at Wal Mart where she works and I ask her if she would please bring her 2 daughters over to see their greatgrand mom and all she would say is will see.I want them to know their greatgranma before anything happens to her. You don't know just what tomarrow is going to bring. I feel thats its a crying shame that family members treat the elderly the way these people have. I don't know whjat this world is coming to. Well my friens THANKS SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME VENT all of you please remember one thing we are all HUMAN BEINGS.


about 3 years ago

I thank you for reminding us we are human and frustrated at now becoming the parent of the parent who doesn't want to become the child even for their own good. Mom just turned 90 on 4/17. I try to get her changed when I get there and she fights that. I try to fix her food and she complains, I clean the house and she points out 1-2 spots I might have missed after all the stuff I did and no thank you. Then she says to bring her a cup of coffee and then says no cookie? My therapist is trying to make my mind accept that I am human and that we can't change her but she can help me change. She says don't hold it in; go in the other room and scream if you have to. I have to wait until I get home to do that.


about 3 years ago

To alw1966; I have three brothers, but as the only daughter, our Mom lives with me. None of my brothers live in the same city as we do, but they are only 1-2 hours away. When they thank me, it IS appreciated. However, that is the extent of their help. They each visit Mom 3-4 times a year, so they really have no idea exactly what kind of condition she is really in. I've practically given up on any offers to stay with Mom to let me and my husband get away for a while. They are perfectly content to let me carry the load alone, but that's OK. I know I'll have no regrets.


about 3 years ago

What it says about you is YES, you ARE human. It happens. Even if you are NOT a caregiver to someone less able to control their thoughts/emotions/actions/remarks, people still get frustrated and speak out. This is normal human behavior. As long as we are still being safe, and then maybe make amends if we speak out. We all have to process things. The other thing it says is that maybe you need a break - even just an afternoon away, go for a drive with your spouse or a friend, go to the movies, just SOMEthing where you are not thinking about the person you are caring for. Granted, people who are NOT caregivers are more than likely not reading this column, but if by chance they are... PLEASE, be sure to thank the person who IS doing the caregiving for your loved one. As a live-in caregiver to my parents, any time I hear it from my brothers or sister, I appreciate it. I never get sick of hearing, "thank you, I appreciate what you are doing," or even "I don't know how you do it." What I do hope to hear someday is "Seriously, why don't you and Al take a week off and go somewhere, we will take care of everything." Not sure that will ever happen, but you can always dream...


about 3 years ago

In regards to an earlier comment, having placed my husband in a supposedly good healthcare home in Longwood Fl to receive treatment for an infection not related to dementia, he quickly was moved to the alzheimers unit and from there it was heavy drug use until my husband cld not even eat on his own. he did not go in there in that condition. I witnessed things the mgmt to this day do not know or will even listen to it. They even discouraged the use of Hospice coming in to check on him or assist him. Many red flags! My husband died in the 5th mo after having been admitted there, he did not die from the infection or dementia. If you can keep them at home I encourage you to do so or get inhome care. My heart kept telling me to move him or take him home but I didn't and that is my deepest regret!!!


about 3 years ago

I can relate, I too was a caregiver with many varied feelings from despair, anger, tiredness, grief seeing my husband deteriorate w/dementia. totally helplessness. My anger was more to certain family member who would say "i had a short fuse" then drove away leaving me alone to handle a dire situation or that I was making things up. Its bad enough we beat ourselves up internally because we are human and can only withstand so much. I was scared and grieved alone many times, then I would repeat " this is a new day and I can do it." I feel for all caregivers who suffer in silence because no one except a caregiver can fully understand what you go through daily. Just know you are doing the best you can and that you are being loved for it.


about 3 years ago

Validation that I AM still human after 17 years of 24-7-365 ups and downs!!


about 3 years ago

just hearing about other caregivers who have the same guilty feelings is a huge help.It is such a tough road we are traveling, I have been taking care of my mom for 4 yrs.,living with my family the last 2. It is just recently that I have been losing my patience with her and I was feeling very guilty.sometimes I will just walk away into my kitchen and cry for a few minutes ,then pull myself together and walk back in with a smile and try again.


about 3 years ago

someone I don't know saying it is normal and okay


about 3 years ago

I identify with so many of the comments and am trying to cope with all the things that come with caregiving for someone with dementia. After 62 wonderf years of marriage I realize my priorities must change and accept the fact that things are not the same and never will be. After 4 years of caregiving and going through many of the ups and downs I try to control my anger and resentment but it is impossible in some situations. Reading about all the comments from others has been a comfort for me. Thank you everyone.


about 3 years ago

I know how you all feel. I am the main caregiver for my mother and have been for many years. I have siblings that help as well, but my mom and I have this connection. Sometimes things get rough, but when they do I just look at her with her gray hair and childlike behavior and if I am frustrated (which is not very much) I just want to hold and kiss her. I would rather be "frustrated" than not have her at all which one day I know will happen. I have missed out on social events with friends but also try to find time for myself. Take care of your loved ones and yourself, do not feel guilty....you are human!!! We strive to be the best we can as caregivers. It is not easy and anything you do is truly a blessing. There are many who do very little to nothing.


about 3 years ago

To PGC, he is my brother-in-law. He spent most of his adult life caring for an invalid son (his entire life) and later his ailing wife. After his wife (my sister-in-law) passed his health was also declining. I left foster care for children and went into home care and continue to take care of him. He has COPD, AS, AL, and has had a triple heart bypass. I can see his AL slipping daily. It is so sad. My mother who is 96 now was with us for 3 years but she is now in a care center about 30 miles away. She is very bright and reads a lot. It took a load off me when she went to the care center after a fall. Bless all home-care


about 3 years ago

Truly a mixed bag...sometimes he's wonderful, other times he's impossible...the 82-year-old (almost 83) husband whom I adore...He's in mid-level dementia, and it's a full-time job. That's ok until I begin to feel like my whole life is devoted to his. Then I try really hard to do stuff for myself: I exercise, garden, get a massage, talk with a friend, watch a good movie. It works, and I can be loving again, which helps him to be loving. Sunday we will celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary.


Anonymous said about 3 years ago

Boy, did I need to read this today!! No sleep and no help is taking a tole. The level of frustration is beyond belief. I am struggling with placement for my 68 year old husband-5+ years into dementia. He sleeps during the day so we can stay up at night. I for one am not a night owl. I can not change my days and nights to conform to his schedule--or can I? Am going to counceling to help me with feelings of resentment. Seems my husband had been getting sick for a long time-I just did not know what was wrong. Thought it was ME that had relationship problems..And Tiny Tim (A Christmas Carol) said: "God bless us, everyone."


about 3 years ago

Reading about what troubles me worst, and being reassured I'm not the only one.


about 3 years ago

Encouragement! Much too often I hate myself when I'm angry with my sweet, demented mom. Thanks.


about 3 years ago

These dicussions have been so helpful to me. Before I started reading and participating in them, I felt alone, fustrated and guilty. I still struggle but it is nice to know that these are normal feelings that go along with being a caregiver. Hi fives to all you who are taking care of ex spouses. I dont think I will ever rise to that level of Divinity. Yet a part of me fears that it could be requested, at which time I would promptly say NO. But I do admire you who can do it.


about 3 years ago

Thank you so much for reminding me that I am human!! It's hard enough sometimes being tethered to my home for the last 2 years caring for my invalid mother so the only trips I ever get to take are "guilt trips" and I seem to go there way to often!!! I needed to see this!! Thank you!


about 3 years ago

THANK YOU, IM HUMAN! I ALSO CARE FOR MY MOM EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY! AT TIMES I DO GET ANGRY AND MAD THAT MY MOMS WONDERFUL LIFE IS DISAPPEARING BECAUSE OF ALZHEIMERS! PGC- IM TOLD THE SAME THINGS AND I NO THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE AND CARE FOR HER ALWAYS, MAD OR ANGRY--SHE'S MY MOM. I MAY CRY ALOT BUT IT HELPS RELIEVE SOME OF THE STRESS. THANKS- I'M HUMAN.


about 3 years ago

My ex was visiting my daughter during Christmas and had a mini-stroke, which he has had several. I live with my daughter and family now myself. I am taking care of him , feeding, laundry, making sure meds are taken. We have always maintain an close relationship for our daughter's sake. (Over 40year divorced). He has gotten so mean and argumental, but only with me, with everyone else he is so loving. The ironic thing is that he calls me for everything though, no matter what he needs he calls on me. I try to understand and do for him even though we have been divorced for so many years, but the stress is getting to me, how does one cope with an ex that still calls on you to be there.?? My daughter and family are here, they help some but he calls for me. I pray a lot, and ask for understanding and patience, and not hold a grudge, (cheated), and remember that he is the father of my only child. He is still here with us taking therapy (5Mo.)


about 3 years ago

Wow, what a reality check! And I have been soooo angry and mad lately. Seems like I dredge up old issues I have struggled with all my life regarding my mom ever since she moved in with me, some of them justified; but in my mind I know she can't change anything now any more than I can. So I have to do my best just like all of you are doing. Staying mad and frustrated just causes me to become ill and I can't allow that to get in the way all the time. So today I will love my mother and when she wakes up I have placed a red rose I just picked by her breakfast. She is "still in there" for the most part, just all alone since Dad died. I'm all she''s got. We are celebrating my great-granddaughter's 2nd B-Day today. (Mom's the only great-great grandparent left) so we will be taking alot of pictures. I believe there will 4 generations. Love to all and thank you for inspiration I truly have been needing!!!


about 3 years ago

I care for my mother deeply I've been here with her for the last 19 years and yes I know she has a problem with the Alzhimers and Dementure like I said I've been with her from day one and I look after all of her needs. I do have a sister and a brother who can"t give her the right time of day they both moved down south one in Florida and my brother is in Virgina Beach. Neither one calls to check on mom por I. I have Diabetes and Asthma and kidney problems We are the on es that call my brother and he can't finsd the time I think it's a disgrace if you know what I'm trying to say Dayle


Anonymous said about 3 years ago

Please, please, please caregivers---remember that your loved one is not in their normal frame of mind...in most cases, their mind is going or gone!. Take comfort in the fact that you are there for them regardless if they remember your name or know who you are. God sees your loving deeds. Make time for yourself and pamper yourself without guilt for all your efforts...and know that someday you may find yourself in their shoes, seeking help from someone whose name you can't recall.


Anonymous said about 3 years ago

just hang in guys i just had the same situatuon as caretaker with my mom in the end we had hospice which was wonderful all the feelings you have will become clear to you you will forgive yourselves and feel soooo good that you were caretakers and you will think of good things i pray for all of you hang in !!!!!!!!!


about 3 years ago

After taking care of my mom for 2 1/2 years KUDOS to ALL WHO DO THE SAME - You all are blessed and definitely have a spot in Heaven !!!!!


about 3 years ago

to PGC - IM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU !!!!! I have had my mom for 2 1/2 years and my husband says the same thing (so does my daughter) I enrolled her in adult day care 2 days a week, sadly I would do more but I cannot get help to pay for this fee - BUT she has such a good time (even thought some days she doesn't realize it) ITS GOOD FOR HER to get away from me and visa versa - I find when I pick her up I actually miss her Take care -


about 3 years ago

Hell from Dayle in RI. Atn times I get frustated with mom Like today I lay her cloths out for her to wear then when I'm busy in either the bathroom,computer room, or the kitchen. She'll come out with something totally different and I straighten out her closet by matching uo pants ,shirt and a colored sweater so that she looks neat and clean when she goes to her adult day care so that she's dressed correctly. I get over it but it is very frusting after all the work that I do for her. You should see about getting your family member into an adult daycare so that you could take a little time for yourself.


about 3 years ago

My husband has Alzheimer's and he is only 62. At times it is very frustrating and I do get upset but I do keep telling myself I'am only HUMAN. Thanks for reminding me of this, we do take one day at a time.


about 3 years ago

My mom and I have lived here fo 19 years and the last 3 tears it has very hard to copewith a lot of strees .I have a brother and sister who live down south have not seen mom in about 10 years and when ever my sister does not come to visit mom and I think it's a disgraceful and they seem to come around when their is money around or gifts FREEBE's Dayle from R.I.


about 3 years ago

The constant caregiving and then guilt over yelling when frustrated drove me to place my Mom in an Alzheimer's unit. Thirteen days late after many battles with their use of Haldol my mom fell and broke her hip. (EPS side effects that med techs apparently did not know enough to recognize nor protect her while she came off the drug) I brought her home on Hospice. Elder care in America sux. The "rules" allow understaffing and uneducated people to care for the elderly and Obamacare hasn't even kicked in or has it? KEEP your loved ones home. Get over your guilt and KNOW you are doing a much better job than the so called alzheimers units.


about 3 years ago

To home-care; It appears that you have reached the place I strive for....that the person you care for is no longer there. It is so hard for me to accept that the mother I looked to for advise, that was lively, intelligent and funny is gone. She still looks like the same person, but now she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want me, she wants her daughter. That's such a hard blow!......Just wondering, what is your relation to the person you care for?...mother, father, spouse ?


about 3 years ago

I don't seem to get mad but I do feel frustrated and constantly remind myself, patience, patience, patience. I feel more pity than anger because I know that person would give anything to be themselves, to be the way they lived their lives up until they started going away to some place they don't understand. They are not "in that place" by choice and neither are we so we just do the best we can and pray for the best outcome. Hugs to all home-care


about 3 years ago

Knowing that I'm not alone, helps. Thank you.


about 3 years ago

How well I understand your situation. I'm experiencing the same thing with my husband, but I believe this happens because we realize we're goiing to lose them sooner or later and we really don't want that to happen either. It's a bag of mixed emotions, anger, frustrations, love, helplessness. Try to be strong and forgiving. I'll do the same.


about 3 years ago

My mother has Alzheimer's and she lives with me (for the last 3 1/2 years). I get so mad at myself when I get mad at her and then..........guilt! It's so easy for my husband to say "don't let it bother you".....don't pay any attention, she doesn't know what she's saying or doing"..........I KNOW THAT ! But I am the sole caregiver 24/7/365 and some days it just gets to me ! Thank you for reminding me that I am human and I am not alone.


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