The Meltdown
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Caregivers may do some saint-like things, but we’re no saints. We snap. We give and give and give and then, in an all too-human moment -- usually a moment fed by too little sleep and too many competing priorities for too long a duration -- we lose it. Maybe we yell at the person in our care. Some of us throw things. (I have been known to slam the dishwasher door and break what’s inside.) We rail at the system, the circumstances, the fates that put us in this role. We slump down and say, “I can’t do this anymore.”
It’s not pretty.
But it’s pretty universal.
And what happens next is important.
Only in a semi-perfect world does money suddenly materialize for wonderful alternate care or do siblings or other relatives swoop in to relieve your burden. It happens, but not often enough. More often, caregivers are left to feel their way out of their dark place on their own (or with minimal assistance). ‘Losing it,’ for many of them, becomes -- eventually -- not a sign of weakness or failure, but instead a force of good.
I often hear caregivers (looking back) say that their “caregiver meltdown” was:
A wake-up call to draw sharper limits. I’ve written about my sister-in-law, who wound up in the hospital and then pow-wowed with her husband to figure out what she could reasonably manage in caring for three older relatives, and what she couldn't do herself.
The kick needed to rally the troops. If you’re holding it together, others might be more liable to hang back. Your saying, “I quit,” might be what it takes to finally get other family members to get off their hineys and contribute.
A reminder to quit obsessing. No more berating yourself when you lose your temper. No more second-guessing your decisions. The buck starts here.
A wake-up call to lower your expectations. It’s nearly impossible to take care of another person’s total physical/emotional/social needs, even though you want him or her to be happy and may feel it’s your duty.
A red flag to get checked out for depression. Nobody wants to be “another middle-aged woman on antidepressants.” But increased irritability and/or a sense of hopelessness are symptoms of depression, especially when paired with two or more weeks of a change in eating (loss of appetite or overeating); disordered sleep; a loss of interest in activities, and pervasive sadness. It’s just a sorry fact of caregiving: Stress worsens the biological set-up for depression.
Permission to grieve as you go. One woman told me that while her mom was in an extended rehab following a stroke, she couldn’t afford the luxury of a meltdown; she had too much to do every day. I get that. But the crisis mode went on so long for her that she began having daily snappings. She wishes she had just been less super-strong -- at least out of her mom’s sight -- and let herself cry, scream at the gods, and “grieve it out of my system a little.” In crisis mode, you do have to just keep going and going. But if your crisis mode is sliding from weeks to months, your psyche simply can’t withstand it.
My friend Tracy Gaudet, director of Duke Integrative Medicine, likes to say that “You can pay now, or you can pay later -- with interest.” What she means: Take care of yourself in increments, or you’ll need to do it later big time.
Have you ever had a meltdown? Was it all bad, or a force of good?
how true this is. I've had 2 meltdowns in the 61/2 years I have been looking after my M-i-L. The last one I threw my husband's computer out of the window - or should I say through it. I was/am so unhappy about the way we are living. I just want some attention for me! He puts more of his time and attention on our church and his volunteered tasks there and to reading on the web. We live with his mother, I chose to honor his promise to look after her when I married him 12 years ago. And, I still choose to do so. The trouble is, even though I keep telling him it is important that we look after ourselves, have date nights, quality time together - he hasn't a clue what I mean or how to do it, and, he doesn't like me going away from him. When M-i-L passes, we will be left and I just don't think he realizes how important it is to look after 'us. to live out our lives in a quality way. On my side, I've grown up with the 'rule' of 'get your jobs done first then you can go out to play' . . .which has been the worst thing I could have ever learned and carried on doing. I know I need balance and I don't go and do it for myself. M-i-L's house is old and needs lots of maintenance and things doing to it to improve our living space, the garden (which I love doing) takes a lot of time, however, that is a balancing part - but I do it alone. What I don't do is prioritize me/us, I want to get the miriad of jobs done first then I can go out and play - crazy. I've done it to myself I know and I plan to do it differently from now on. Reading this article tells me that I am depressed as well as my husband. Time for a change I think!
Hugs joyg
A dear friend just recently "snapped" in a grocery store. He was taken to jail and his wife moved to a safe memory support unit. The out of state kids were called. It has been so emotional and difficult for all of them to cope. However, I finally see it as a blessing. It happened in a public place, the store took the actions that were needed, his wise is safe and happy, and the family had a giant wake up call and are now more involved. I thank God everyday that it didn't happen behind closed doors. It it had, something much worst might have happened. Please, don't wait too long to yell for help or say "I quit." We all have a point at which we can no longer go it alone.
Hugs sunsea99
Everything. Just had my "meltdown". On top of all the regular stressors from daily care, there are so many extras associated with doing anything with the AD patient. The latest - a TB test and physicians form to get Dad into daycare. Physician's lost the initial paperwork, redo. First attempt at TB test - failure, Dad wouldn't wait five more minutes for results, health center wouldn't accommodate in any way. Redo at different health center. After THREE weeks, we finally have it ready, I think. My meltdown was in front of the first health center. Dad building up to a tantrum in the center, we finally had to leave. I told him I was so disappointed in him that he couldn't wait 5 minutes. Of course this was for my own benefit, we all know it doesn't help an iota with the AD patient. Then I told him "no more rides!" his favorite thing. Mean spirited me. Went home, cried, apologized. Was just so desperate to get him into daycare, the final straw. So thank you, article helps me not feel like a terrible daughter. I'm tired and cranky. God bless.
Hugs sunsea99, Mam's aide
I have had melt downs! I have goten my husband and daughter used to me doing every thing that needs to be done in the house, cleaning, cooking, washing, the whole enchelada, I also do the yard work , and the back yared is half and acor , in california thats a good size yard. Also orginizing the geroge and Im exspected to know whare every thing is in the house! plus take care of my mom in law who is in dypers and has dementia. I cant do it all, and I now could care less if the dishes are left in the aink, or the grass is 3 feet tall or it all the was is done. I keep my mom in law clean, fed and give her her meds, my husband now knows the house is not gona be spotless every day, and thats just the way it gos . my hubby works 2 jobs so I know the toll that is taking on him, so I cant exspect him to wash dishes, but he can help with the physical care of his mom. my husband is in denial and he knows his mom dosent have that long, like maby 6 to 9 months , the doctor said she was starting to for the lack of a better word go down hill, and my husband cant deal with that, he knows what her condition is, but he still wont take her to the bath room , or change her because in the back of his mind he thinks she will be embarassed , she no longer knows who he is. I have to wake her up and change her dyper, give her a shower, give her meds feed her aND GIVE HER WHAT EVER IT IS SHEE NEEDS BEFORE i can do eany erands like go tp the corner store. If I have to go some place, and my husband is home and my mom in law is stll sleeping,if she wakes up my husband will call her sitter who lives next door to get her out of bed and change and feed her, He is not comfortable doing that, because he has never done it, and hes a bit freaked out by the whole situation. so back to my ancer yes I have had meltdowns like chanobel!!! i misse spelled that I know, he haa. I now know that she dosent have 2 or three more years left so I have become less resentfull of the situation and I think that I would not want to feel like poop, or guily if I let her see how much of our lifes, financial, and social we gave up to move in wither her so I could stay with her 24-7. The one thing I know for sure, with out a dought,one thousand persent is that my husband and I are gona take steps to make sure our children never ever, ever, have to give up there life for as long as it takes for them to care for us before god calls us home.The stress and depreason, and lonlyness of having to give up your job, friends, sex life( oh yea thats donezo for now) mom in law wanders the house at all hours with her walker, and I sleep on the couch cuz I dont always wake up with the monator on so if im closer to her room i can here her befor she climbs over the hospital bed, and falls.Some days I feel like geting a bottle of gin, and hoping the first buss to vegas! but im not a drinker, and I cant do much with twenty bucks, so I just go in the back yard and read, and have coffie. I have read 8 books in the last month, dean koonts and stephen king , so thats whAT i DO WHEN i NEED TO chill out. deslexics are crapy spellers, . thanks for leting me get that out.
Hugs sunsea99
Prayers Mam's aide
If you're "holding it together" you confirmed others step back. People Often have said after years of caregiving... my dad, my mom, my huband's dad and now his mom... " you must "like" caregiving you're a caregiver!" ARGH!!! I'm screaming inside... then the topper which siblings, relatives add "I can't stand to see him/her like that!!!! I'm not comfortable with that!" I have finally started to say "it's not easy for anyone. Caretaking is grueling and it's a daily sacrifice...NO ONE ...is comfortable changing their adult loved ones underwear, wiping them, cleaning their teeth, responding to their hallucinations. not having a loved one know who you are when you give up so much of your own life... NO ONE ... I repeat NO ONE finds this balancing act of a loved one's dignity and care easy or "COMFORTABLE" these words are used by others so they don't feel guilty. After more than 20 years having others step back. while I do the heavy lifting ...I am snapping...now I calmly say "how is she when they ask?". Not good it's very hard...I am starting to tell them the things that I am so not comfortable... Interesting response... a little less of everyone sharing all their ills financial. Emotional and financial with me so I can at least breathe... still others don't really step forward but I'm not giving them permission to not feel "guilty" because they should
Thank every one of you for these stories -- there's no better reminder that "we are not alone" no matter how hard it gets....
I am happy to know that I am not alone in my feelings as a caregiver. My husband has stage 3B lung cancer, and it has been six months of hell what with chemo and radiation. He has been SO sick, weak and has lost 50 pounds. It never stops. Sometimes I just want to pack my bags, call the kids and say, "I've had it, YOU come take care of him for a while!", but then I feel guilty, because they all live in different states and have families and jobs of their own. Also, I remember my marriage vows, "In sickness and in health". I'm angry one day, sad, oh so sad the next, and numb the next. It is a never ending roller coaster. I suffer terribly with spinal stenosis, but constantly put the pain behind me in order to take care of him. I do get injections, but they help only for a month or two at a time. Thank you for letting me vent. I know I will hang in here, but it just keeps getting harder and harder. Blessings to all.
Hugs caregiving wife
my dad refuses to be seen by a doctor. I am the only one who will tell him when he does something unsafe, usally driving.Family members dont wont him mad at them so they refuse to help.Im not sure what to do. Im very tired and want to keep him safe. I just lost my mom 9 months ago me and my dad are close i dont want to strain our relationship. Does anyone have any ideas
Hugs rubyjb, Nancy729
Oh, yes! I get it too, although I wish I could get my oldest brother to go to this site; he's not big on computers, although he has one. He's the one of the five of us siblings (one lives in Texas and can't help, as we're all in NKY, except me, who's just across the Ohio river in OH) who's doing most of the caregiving work, although we take different shifts and get him days off. He is so responsible, but he won't ask for help as often as he needs to; he's had lots of health problems lately, as well as lots going on with his family, and I'm afraid he's just going to wind up in the hospital with total systemic collapse!! I like to think of the meltdown as a steam vent to release the unbearable pressure before everything blows up permanently. We are only human, we've got to have a way to let it out so we can cry/scream/holler/yell at God/whatever so we can take some deep breaths, apologize, and get back to work. Do it often before it goes kablooey for real!! God bless all, and keep posting; we DO "get it"!!
Croroc. I am so glad that you got the Visting Angels to come in in the daaytime. We all need to get away as often as we can to rest and re-group. Do it on a regular basis. "The only way out is through." My friend Mary Morrisey said that and it is so true. In a movie (the one where he is stranded on the island) with Tom Hanks, he said "When you think you can't go on, breath!" So ..... keep on a breathing!
Dear fellow Care-Givers, and givers, and givers: I just had a very ugly "melt down" last night and have lots of guilt today. I am so happy I saw this artilcle - it has helped me re-direct my emotions. My husband is brain injured and he was having trouble getting out of his recliner and walking to the bed. After my explosion, we hugged and said sorry; he said it was all his fault which made me feel even worse. Turns out he's running a low-grade fever and that's why he was so weak last night. I have to leave soon to pick up his Rx-I mistakenly called it in as "mail order:" and he's completely out of it. So I called and cancelled that, but I have to go pick it up in person. Too much for too long, but I say thank you for the article and the blogs from fellow care-givers holding on by a thread. It helps to vent, also but only to those who in the same situation; otherwise every one has the answer for you and that's just more frustrating. I will try to re-direct my emotions, but I felt better after a good cry. Take care of each other. Blessings.
Hugs joyg
Croroc, you have my sympathy and understanding. I'm know all too well about crisis mode, as I am caring for my husband with mid-stage Alzheimer's while still working a full-time job. I feel horrible when I get impatient with him or scold him. I love him so much and want to make this difficult situation easier for him, but sometimes I reach that breaking point. Then I apologize for snapping at him and he apologizes for making my life harder and we both cry and hug and say again how much we love each other. It's not easy! So your sister thinks you have it easy, living "off" your dad. What if you approach her with an attitude of "Hey, sis, I've had the easy life of living off Dad for 2 years. I don't want to hog it all, so I'm making arrangements for him to come live with you for the next 2 years. After all, I should be sharing the easy life, not keeping it all to myself." Don't ask her if she wants the new arrangement; simply inform her that Dad will be arriving on the bus on such and such a date, around 3:00 pm or whatever, and she needs to be there to meet him, and she needs to get ready to accommodate his needs everyday for the next 2 years. See how she reacts. Just a thought... Even if she fights it, maybe it will make her stop and think about the realities of having Dad living with her everyday, and how much is involved in all the extra work and time and inconvenience that comes with that "easy life". Meanwhile, keep your chin up, and stay tuned to this site for input from others who really do "get it!" You are NOT ALONE! :)
I'm very proud of you. I've been sober for 22 years and it's a privilege to be here taking care of my father in his home since November of last year. In February of this year he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and this past weekend he was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer. My brother who is my only sibling can't handle emotional situations and so he drinks and stays away except to come down once a week and sign checks for my father's bills. It's obvious to me that the promises have come true for you. I'm rooting for you and your Higher Power.
Whoo! The comment about being in crisis mode, really hit home. I try so hard to keep it all under control (MY control), tha I am constantly burning out. I snapped at my Dad yesterday. I got Visiting Angels to come in and watch him, while I took care of long and tedious errands. I have never had them in in the middle of the day. My Dad did not do his exercises, did not do a project that I need his input to finish, did not go outside. I just lost it. WHY!! But, I know why. He relies on ME so much to keep his day normal. He has told me in the past that he does not want to "impose" on the other caregiver. I told him THAT IS HER JOB!!! He said it is "ok" to impose on me, that's what daughters are for. He called one of his other daughters, asked her to come take him for a bit. She laid out all kinds of excuses. He said "Your sister needs a break". That really set her off. She thinks I have it easy, that I am living "off" my Dad. She started in on a rant about me, and he said "I need a break too!" But we have never heard back from her, so I know she will not follow thru on taking him. Guess it is time to check into respite care. For the past 2 years, it has been ok. Now with his dementia increasing, his physical health deteroiating, the stress is overwhelming. I keep saying "when THIS happens, I'll quit". BUt have kept on, making adjustments to accomadate his needs. I get out 2 times a week sometinmes, for 4 hour blocks. I go to an AA meeting and to the gym.