When You Don't Hear "Thanks"
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Who thanks you for all you do? And when the answer is "nobody much," then what?
Some interesting new research on gratitude out of Florida State finds that saying "thank you" to a loved one can improve your attitude about the relationship, especially if it's rocky, because forming the thankful thoughts makes you see the person in a more positive light. What a simple way to strengthen bonds!
Too bad caregivers so often go without. At a point in dementia care, for example, the care receiver loses the social awareness and self expression to be able to give appreciation. And many a caregiver of all kinds contend with a so-called "lousy patient" – the critical husband who quibbles and quarrels his way though his convalescence, the mother who feels entitled to her children's help rather than grateful for it, and so on. Then there are the relatives…the siblings who don't seem to notice your efforts or simply criticize them, the kids who complain you don't do enough for them, the mate who feels neglected, the whole let-us-take-you-for-granted ball of wax.
That's not to say our loved ones don't ever appreciate our efforts. But it's a fair truism that caregivers go undernourished in the thanks department.
Sitting around waiting for it will only make you resentful – bad for blood pressure and mental health. Meanwhile, gratitude bolsters happiness by as much as 25 percent, and improves sleep, energy, and optimism, says "gratitude guru" Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at UC-Davis and author of Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.
So instead, take advantage of the science of gratitude in some small but meaningful ways:
Thank yourself – mentally. If nobody else is saying it, say it yourself. Look yourself in the mirror in the morning and remind yourself: Good for Me; I'm Doing a Good Thing. One woman once told me she patted her own back before she woke her mother up each day, a form of self encouragement that's funny to picture, but if it works…!
Thank yourself – concretely. The whole concept of self care is a kind of thanks-giving, being loving and kind to yourself because you deserve it, and especially so in the caregiving realm. Shower yourself with "presents": a daily half hour with your favorite crossword puzzle, fresh air, your favorite tea (using the good china).
Thank the loved one you're caring for. It's healing, those Florida State researchers say. Sometimes it's easy; many of us feel enriched by the experiences of giving care. Many more of us feel we're gaining valuable life lessons about meaning and purpose, time and tenderness – but magnanimity is hard enough to find, let alone choke out! And for caregivers in the toughest spots, say a 24/7 caring bind with little support and a cantankerous recipient? Try writing the person a "gratitude letter," Emmons says. It's okay to focus on thanking them for your past together if mustering gratitude about the present is too hard.
Thank those who help you. Family members might learn from your example if you express thanks for the little things they do (even if they seem pitiably little to you). And they might, in turn, be inspired to help more. Hired helpers who are thanked will give you better results.
Say it even when you don't totally feel it. Interestingly, expressing gratitude more regularly even if you kind of feel like you're just going through the motions can lead to the genuine emotion, says Emmons.
Keep a (bear with me!) gratitude journal. At the risk of sounding Oprahy, writing down one thing to give thanks for every day really can improve mood within just a few weeks, according to Emmons. Best: Write down things that directly come from someone else. The chance to give back? The door held open while you pushed a wheelchair? Chocolate from your best friend?
Thank small. When nobody's thanking you for the big things, look micro for things you can praise. Even your loved one's weak smile counts. And when there's not so much as a smile coming forth, head back to the mirror. Smile at yourself. Yes, it might be hard. Even silly. Go ahead and force yourself -- a sad smile is okay. When your brain sees a smile, it registers happiness.
I realize that giving yourself a smile is an anemic kind of thanks. It's certainly not the same as having it showered upon you by grateful kith and kin. But it's something that works -- and slightly easier than contorting to pat yourself on the back!
I'm looking after my parents, who are both 88. Mom has Alzheimer's and reminds me a lot of a three-year-old girl: sometimes very sweet, though she prattles and tells very naughty lies, like "I did so take a bath!" (you know she didn't because her bath towel is still dry and hanging folded on the bar); other times she throws tantrums and hits and kicks me. Dad was just diagnosed with colon cancer and is becoming increasingly less active. He and I have never had a good relationship: I was always the incompetent, ugly daughter who would never get married because "nobody wants a wife who won't cook or clean the house." (I did marry and have three great kids. I also have a graduate degree and have taught at a college for many years.) I was estranged from my parents for many years but realized after a holiday visit that ethically I couldn't leave them alone in a filthy house piled with garbage and junk. I didn't expect thanks from them when I moved in and began cleaning, organizing their finances, meeting with their lawyer, and making sure Mom was cared for. But I admit, I have become a bit more selfish in looking after myself. I'll buy myself a small chocolate truffle while running errands and eat it all by myself when I have a moment alone. Or at night, after my parents have gone to bed, I'll pull out the Netflix movie that has been sitting on my desk for weeks, pop some popcorn and watch the movie in bed (volume turned down, of course). Going to the hairdresser is a very big deal now, so I enjoy it for all it's worth: I bring a latte with me and sip that while I'm sitting in the dryer, I read those awful tabloids and fashion magazines in the salon, and I chat and complain (humorously) with my hairdresser. But I've learned that you can't sit and wait for people to do things for you. I tell my brother I need to go out and leave him in charge while I take a break, and if my father complains I ignore him. You just HAVE to do these things to survive as a caregiver! I've seen too many smart, lovely women crumble under the weight. Don't wait for thanks. Acknowledge your own accomplishments and give yourself a break.
Hugs The Caregiver's Voice
I am full time caregiver to my 89yr old mother who has late stage Alzheimer's. My whole life I have never heard a kind word from her, ever, so as her caregiver to her for the last 10 yrs and knowing how Alzheimer's work, I have never expected a thank you. That said, oh how nice it would be to hear...thanks for doing my finances, paying my bills, cleaning the house, all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, dealing with your doctor, thanks for giving up your life to help me....Oh how nice to hear thank you for that, but it will not happen from her. This is a great article. I have to constantly think about how my life has changed, for the better, the greater good by having helped my mother live her life. This article reminds me to restart my daily celebrations of life - 5 positive entries in a journal every day. It really helps and so do good friends and neighbors.
Hugs The Caregiver's Voice
I am part-time caregiver to my 89 year old Mom (she lives alone but less than 2 miles from me and requires some assistance nearly daily). My problem is not that she doesn't say "thank you," but that she is so hypercritical about EVERYTHING I do (and don't do!). Obviously I am an incompetent, uncaring individual who, she has complained, "isn't there for her." How can I get her to understand that I am happy to provide any assistance she needs, but am unwilling to take a verbal beating each and every time we are together. It's not the "doing" that I resent but her disparaging attitude and comments on the "doing."
I am part-time caregiver to my 89 year old Mom (she lives alone but less than 2 miles from me and requires some assistance nearly daily). My problem is not that she doesn't say "thank you," but that she is so hypercritical about EVERYTHING I do (and don't do!). Obviously I am an incompetent, uncaring individual who, she has complained, "isn't there for her." How can I get her to understand that I am happy to provide any assistance she needs, but am unwilling to take a verbal beating each and every time we are together. It's not the "doing" that I resent but her disparaging attitude and comments on the "doing."
My husband deliberately took a job that requires him to travel more often than not. Even when he IS home, he doesn't feel that he should regularly contribute to chores...a `you always ask ME to do that, why can't you ever do it?' attitude, without realizing that all the times, years, he has been gone I have been mother and father, housewife and handyman. THe only good thing that comes of him never being around is that I have learned that yeah, I CAN do it all, and I can do it without help. Of course, I usually end up in the ER with chronic pain and arthritis issues (in a nutshell, my spine is disintegrating), but I can do it. It's just sooooo exhausting, right to my soul it's exhausting.
This is a grest summary of my feelings as a long time caregiver, except for one note missing. When the patient passes on (as some will) the element of guilt is not there for the caregiver and that is the best reward anyone can receive!