There's a tricky underbelly to caregivers' intense relationship with their care receivers: A can't-always-help-it tendency to take situations too personally.
Why? Caring.com senior medical editor Ken Robbins, a geriatric psychiatrist, explains that caregivers tend to be a special personality type: Big-hearted, sensitive, responsible, well intentioned...people who are motivated by and take deep satisfaction in doing right by their loved one...and people who, when unpleasant things happen, therefore, are prone to blame themselves, even for situations beyond their control or irrelevant to what they say or do, or fail to say or do.
Consider these six situations:
When your loved one is gruff and cranky Even when cross behaviors are directed straight at you, you're not usually the underlying reason. More likely the outbursts are your loved one's expression of anger at the disease and the situation. For someone with even mild dementia, outbursts reflect disease changes at work. You're just the easy target.
When your loved one with dementia doesn't recognize you It's not because you're no longer important to him or her. It's not because you've failed to "imprint yourself" on him or her forever through the quality of your care. Failing to recognize friends and family, even primary caregivers, is an effect of the disease.
When your loved one vexes you with annoying behaviors (asking the same question over and over, leaving disrespectful messes, moving so slowly) Remember how the person "used to be." In that context, it's easier to see that illness, not an intention to be hurtful to you, can usually explain irritating actions.
When your loved one has an accident It's not because you're not managing incontinence perfectly. Accidents happen.
When no one says thank you It's not because your actions don't deserve thanks. More likely: You're so effective at what you do, it's practically invisible to family members.
When your loved one doesn't say thank you Especially if he or she has dementia, the person's ability to be aware of how much you're relied upon becomes lost. Your loved one is so dependent, he or she literally doesn't know thanks are in order.
I'm not saying feeling slighted isn't a perfectly legitimate reaction to scenarios like those above. Nobody could blame you for sulking a little. But then -- move on. Dwelling on imagined slights is energy-sucking and leaves you feeling needlessly sad. Re-framing these situations as having a bigger context helps you take them less personally. They're not about you -- they're terribly unfortunate bumps that are about the road itself.
My mother had to go to a rehab center for physical therapy. She thought a piece of rice was a bug coming at her. I told her it was rice. She kept saying it was not. I started to step on it to calm her down!!
these statements have been a big help. thanks !!!
I have been taking care of my mom for over a year now. Yesterday she told me that I was not her daughter and my dad was not my dad (who has been dead for a long time.) Since I am with her 24 hours a day, I guess I just thought that she would always know who I am. It hurts really bad, but she has offered to help me find my mother and she said that I can stay with her as long as I want to. Everyday is like a new beginning for me. I pick up the pieces and remember why I am here and that God is watching over us.
I've been trying not to take things my husband says or does personally and this post reminded me.............
WE ALL HAVE OUR TROUBLES, BUT GUESS IT HELPS TO KNOW OTHERS UNDERSTAND HAVING BEEN THERE. I STRIVE TO LOOK AT THE GOOD POINTS INSTEAD OF THE BAD, BUT AT TIMES I BLOW IT. THEN I HAVE TO GO TO THE LORD IN PRAYER FOR FORGIVENESS. HE ALWAYS COMES THRU AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HIS ANSWERS AND CARE. I AM DETERMINE TO TAKE CARE OF MY HUBBY AND NOT HAVE TO CONSIGN HIM TO A NURSING HOME. I BELIEVE GOD WILL GIVE THAT ANSWER AND GIVE ME THE ABILITY AND HELP TO DO IT.. WITHOUT HIM I WOULD REALLY BE LOST AND A MESS! THANK YOU LORD DOR ANSWERED PRAYERS!!
T-OWEN, You are not alone and never fee bad or guilty about what is happening. Sometimes it is embarrassing but just for a moment. It passes and they do feel safe when we are around. They do take most of our time now but remember; please: it is not the person, it's the disease. Imagine at times, and I'm sure it's happened to all of us. We enter a room to get something and 'ooppps' we forget what it was that we were supposed to get. Now think for a minute how it must feel and we can only image; how difficult it is for them. I too get frustrated when I have to go out and take my mom with me but then, that too passes. What I can do myself in one hour, takes me the whole morning or afternoon. It reminds me of when I had to go out with my two small daughters. Two car seats to tie them in or take them out. Double strollers, the time was never enough. Now, your husband depends on you more than ever before and it's a lot to handle but he would do the same for you. God will give you the strength, don't worry about that. Remember to take care of yourself too at least when he is taking a nap or maybe watching something on tv. We are all here for you even if it's just to vent. Prayer for you and your husband from my home to yours. Carmen
MY DARLING HUSBAND OF 62 YEARS (95) HAS BECOME THE STARTING STAGE OF DEMENTIA. HIS HEALTH IS GREAT, BUT HIS MEMORY IS GOING. HE ASKS THE SAME THINGS OVER AND IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING FOR HIM WHEN HE CAN'T REMEMBER. MY PROBLEM IS HE DOESN'T WANT ME OUT OF HIS SIGHT. IF I GO TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM HE COMES LOOKING FOR ME. HE WANTS TO GO WITH ME WHERE EVER I AM GOING. HE CONSTANTLY WORRIES ABOUT MY SAFETY. HE WANTS ME TO COME SIT BESIDE HIM WHEN HE WATCHES THE NEWS. I NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE ANY MORE, BUT IT IS HARD TO TAKE HIM WITH ME SHOPPING AND HE GETS TIRED AND I COULD GO AND COME BACK SO MUCH FASTER ALONE. HE NEVER COMPLAINS ABOUT THINGS, BUT GETS CROSS WITH HIMSELF WHEN HE CAN'T REMEMBER. HE FORGETS HE HAS HAD HIS MEALS EVEN. I PRAY EACH MORNING THAT GOD WILL LET ME BE KIND AS IF I ASK FOR PATIENCE YOU ONLY GET THAT BY BEING TRIED. (SMILE) . GOD DOES ANSWER PRAYER AND WITHOUT HIM I WOULD REALLY BE LOST!
Thanks for the reminders....I do find myself close to melt down from time to time.....how can we be comfortable making phone calls on our loved ones behalf when they are standing right next to us? I do not feel comfortable in this situation...it may anger him if I say the wrong thing. Too stressful.
reading all the comments help relieved my stress. i feel i am not alone. yes, taking care a demention love one can be overwheming. everyday is a chalenge. i pray and hope i am doing right thing.
Thank you Carmen and everyone. At time I feel like throwing in the towel. That is send my dad to a NH. On second thought, he has care for me when I was small, now is pay back time....... : )
Hello Yaw, Thank you very much for your question. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer question, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
I have a question, as I don't understand my Alz dad only like to pick on my husband. Even my hubby did not do anything my dad just like to pickk on him and scold. Or even tell me to be careful of my husband, he is no good, he steal dad things, he is an imposter. Only pick on my husband. This make my husband very piss off. What can I do?
I quite agree. We do get frustrated at times, repeating and having to explain the same things time and time again. Well, just remember that it's the disease and not the person. You are doing the best you can even if at times, you question yourself or find yourself wondering 'what else can I do'? It is not easy but hang in there and you will find the strength. Remember to look out for yourself too. Good luck and Prayers... Carmen
I like to be reminded that I am not alone in this disease. When frustration hits, and I'm having a bad day (crying), it helps to read some re-assuring words of wisdom to carry through another day.